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The Birth of Nivais (Ballade WS)
The poison from the lips of men has spread
Their gentle words are fully crafted lies,
deceiving elves who think they'll share their bread
when schemes are hatched beyond the elfin eyes
The greedy King of men is cutting ties,
he wants to cause the orcs and elves to fight,
to be the pawns he sends and then denies
Beware! The hands that strike within the night!
The seeds of doubt will cause the blood to shed.
A priest of truth, he weeps for peace that dies.
Almor, the wise, has seen the land turn red
and men will ride to fill the air with cries
of weakened fools they'll kill to feed the flies.
He sees it when his soul has taken flight
but none will heed his words and call to rise.
Beware! The hands that strike within the night!
The lords of orcs and elves begin to fade,
their lives are forced to end by human spies.
The grief and rage are spawned, they raise their blades
and then the battle starts before the sunrise.
Almor, he leaves to search for elves' allies
to save his people from the grip of blight
but all his deeds can't stop the battlecries.
Beware! The hands that strike within the night!
Almor returns with dwarves of Lorthanhise
but all is lost, the elves are stripped of rights
He wants revenge and forms the Nivais
to be the hands that strike within the night!
Comments
Rula
Fri, 2015-11-06 10:52
Salam Khalid
No wonder Wesley is always biased to your side. You both have such an imagination to create stories. It's a talent that only a few have. You are one of them.
I like the storyline, although I am not a fan of fantasy.
I also believe meter is good throughout.
and I think to put 'orc' and 'elves' in capitals. What do you think?
All in all, a very well done job here. Congratulations!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Fri, 2015-11-06 11:40
Salam, Rula
That's what my mum said when I was younger. I'm very imaginative. lol. My prob is never about finding the themes for a poem, its always about how to express them in poetry forms and of course, meter, tenses and rhymes.
Hmm about the capital letters, I think I leaves it as it is unless someone else give the same suggestion.
Glad you enjoy it.
Alid
judyanne
Fri, 2015-11-06 10:06
only three nits can I see
One grammar problem
The poison from the lips of men have spread
- has spread
One tense mix
The grief and rage are spawned, they raised their blades
- raise
One verse not quite iambic
A -MOR | he LEAVES | to SEARCH | for ELVES' | ALL -ies
A really interesting write Alid.
i really like the refrain
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
alidzain
Fri, 2015-11-06 11:16
Hi Judy
That verse 'A -MOR | he LEAVES | to SEARCH | for ELVES' | ALL -ies' is the one I don't know how to rectify.
Alid
judyanne
Fri, 2015-11-06 11:43
i wouldn't worry about it
I only pointed it out in case you didn't know.
it's hardly noticable, and we have to cheat sometimes lol
Me - I would cheat further and make it a feminine line (Wesley doesnt like them lol -) as to my ear it works better than ending an iambic verse with trochee.
al -MOR | he LEAVES | to SEARCH | for AN | -y ALL -ies
However, since the ballade has strict meter, both ways are a cheat - it just depends which way, to your ear, best hides the fault.
Hope that helps
Love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Fri, 2015-11-06 11:52
oops, just noticed
the prior verse also ends in trochee
- 'and then the battle starts before SUN -rise'
Again, it is minor, and you shouldn't sweat on it
Consider cheating again with a 'the' before 'sunrise'
(But don't tell Wes I suggested it, if you do)
:)
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
alidzain
Fri, 2015-11-06 12:11
Judy
If he reads your suggestion, I don't even have to tell him. lol.
Alid
alidzain
Fri, 2015-11-06 11:53
Thanks Judy
Alid
wesley snow
Wed, 2015-11-11 13:55
Let's be picky.
when schemes are hatched beyond the elfin eyes (this needs a period)
The greed of King of men is cutting ties, (not clear, not clear at all. Not even a grammar fix. I don't know what you said)
The seeds of doubts will cause the blood to shed. (doubt should be singular)
THE BALLADE IS FANTASTIC. I thought this was supposed to be hard and you people are popping them out like McDonald's hamburgers.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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alidzain
Wed, 2015-11-11 14:15
Wes
''The greed of King of men is cutting ties''
What I mean to say the king is slowly betraying the elves when he saw how much lands and wealth they have but he cannot attack them directly so he used the orcs to ensure there will be a war between the two races to weaken the elves. This line suggest that the humans and the two races were once close allies but their king's greed gets in the way.
So how do you think I can rectify this? Any suggestions?
Alid
wesley snow
Wed, 2015-11-11 15:51
All it needs is the article.
''The greed of (the) King of men is cutting ties'' (but of course that screws with the meter. No I don't have a suggestion).
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
judyanne
Wed, 2015-11-11 21:19
what about
The greedy king of men is cutting ties
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
alidzain
Thu, 2015-11-12 00:45
Thanks again
Judy.
Alid
Rula
Wed, 2015-11-11 23:27
Wonderful Khalid
I really like it.
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alidzain
Thu, 2015-11-12 00:47
Shukran, Rula
Alid