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After the shipwreck

Submitted by Debarghya Mitra on Thu, 2012-05-17 09:15

Near the sea shore I stood alone,
with no one within a mile or more,
Looking at the sun sinking down,
Trying to hide in the depths of the sea.

The golden sand and the reddish sea,
Appeared to me quite heavenly.

Then I can hear the sea murmurs,
Calling me towards her.

Her tides crawl near the shore
To swallow the land more and more.

Now I walk alone to find a home,
Somewhere in this sandy sea shore.

I don't know whether I will live anymore,

But I too wait for the waves to come,
To wash away the sins I have ever done.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

[This option has been removed]

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Thu, 2012-05-17 10:50

hello deb

hello deb
welcome to the site

I really like the concept behind this write

there are a few places need looking at
but I stress that this is all my own opinion
art is subjective

‘Near the sea shore I stood alone,
with no one within a mile or more,’
- I’d lose the ‘with’ at the beginning of the line
just imho I think it reads better than repeating it immediately as ‘within’..

' Looking at the sun sinking down,
Trying to hide in the depths of the sea'. – I love the kind of analogy with personification in these two lines

'I don't know whether I will live anymore ?' -- you really don’t need the question mark – you are making a statement

'But I too wait for the waves to come,
To wash away the sins I have ever done.'
– this last line is a bit awkward – imo I stress - . I think it could do with a little work on making it more succinct – maybe just ‘to wash the sins I have done’ ?

i love the expression - your uniqueness of speech, an accent of words of sort
- the bit that tells me your native tongue is not english - or at least not western english
do please excuse me if i am incorrect here

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

judyanne

Thu, 2012-05-17 10:56

oh - btw

i forgot to say
i really, really, like the title
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Debarghya Mitra

Fri, 2012-05-18 00:13

thanks Judy,

thanks Judy,
Actually my native tongue is not English but still it comes from the core of my heart.Thanks for your openion and I would welcome such help from you.

author comment

raj

Thu, 2012-05-17 14:42

Hello Deb

Welcome to Neopoet...i will look forward to read more of your writes...i enjoyed this one...a nice way to emote and relate state of the mind to the sea...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Debarghya Mitra

Fri, 2012-05-18 00:15