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Acid
The words burn, acid on my toungue.
i open my mouth to scream ,
nothing will come.
Mute cries for salvation,
etched in a pained expression.
Eroding my senses.
Struggling against the tide,
drowning in you.
gulping stagnant air.
Obscure muttering, inaudible insanity.
Shadowy whispered tones
asphyxiate mortality .
In stasis, praying for the end.
Tortured psyche,
transcending hell, scant hold on reality.
All is nothingness ,
a swirling mass,
within purgatory.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
Hooded Stranger
Wed, 2010-11-10 09:54
Lou
Lou,
this is really well written and my only fault is it is too short, I could have read another ten more stanza's.
Great imagery and the silence trapping the words and emotions inside is well crafted.
If I should change anything it would simply be the order of the third stanza to:
Struggling against the tide
Drowning in you
Crumbling inside (although crumbling doesn't really go with drowning, so maybe 'suffocating')
My reason behind the order change is simply that in your version the person has drowned and then struggles against the tide, whereas, normally (although I haven't drowned recently myself), I would hav ethought you'd struggle against the tide and then drown.
Anyway, I loved this piece and would have given it 4.5 stars and nomination to spotlight.
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Wed, 2010-11-10 12:45
HS
your right it makes better sense now. ( Can i haee that half a star ?) lol
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Wed, 2010-11-10 14:14
Lou
Lou,
I have considered your request for the half a star and have to deny it. I will require at least four more stanza's first!!
Lol!
Since you made the slight change I will up my stars to 4.75...that's the best I can do!!
Lol!
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Wed, 2010-11-10 16:00
HS
you are so strict lol
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Wed, 2010-11-10 17:15
Lou
Lou,
I have learnt the art of being strict from the editor of the Neopoet Newsletter...you should meet her...she's a tough one I can tell you!
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Thu, 2010-11-11 01:49
HS
Yes get back to work !! Lol
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Thu, 2010-11-11 07:25
yeah sorry!
yeah sorry boss...was that two sugars in your coffee and do you want that foot massage now or later?
HS (your humble and terribly underpaid assistant)
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Thu, 2010-11-11 09:21
Underpaid ?
What makes you think your getting paid ?
lol
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
judyanne
Wed, 2010-11-10 12:54
awesome write lou
i really felt the helplessness and despair
and like dan - my fault that i want more....
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lou
Wed, 2010-11-10 16:06
Judy
thank you , ill give writing extra verses some thought.
love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
judyanne
Wed, 2010-11-10 16:56
i wouldn't if i were you
in this case less is best...
love
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
ziggy
Wed, 2010-11-10 12:57
hi
well lou this is a good read maybe a little short
or are you leaving us wanting more lol
what dan pointed out is good as i see it
the only other word i'd look at is the very first word
"(the) words burn like acid"
those words burn like,,,,,,,,,,,,
just a thought I might be wrong
a good strong write which I always like ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs x
I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.
lou
Wed, 2010-11-10 16:08
Zig
thank you
lou xx
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Thu, 2010-11-11 01:50
Shirl
Your making me blush lmao
love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Wed, 2010-11-10 16:18
oh
your all so demanding lol
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-10 18:55
lou
Beautiful, really beautiful, in its frustrated pain.
1st line, I would lose "like", I dislike that word, lol. maybe a comma, instead?
2nd line, 2nd stanza, I would make "into a"..."in"; it would make the cadence better, I think.
and I concur...more, please.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
lou
Thu, 2010-11-11 01:52
Jim
Thank you , I'll take a look at what you suggested.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
mand
Thu, 2010-11-11 09:42
Hello Lou
Powerful vivid images Lou! Always did like reading your work!!
Possibly a typo - did you mean " tongue"?
Everyones said it all.
Love Mand xxxxxxx
lou
Mon, 2010-11-15 20:54
Mand
Thanks
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!