Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

When The Light Goes Go

When The Light Goes Go

I watched from my car, sitting outside the electric co op
At people racing to pay bill before their lights go out
A manager unlocking door to let out last customer
Is a hometown friend of my hubby and didn’t have the heart to say
We’re closed, so she let him in

As the manager lets him in, an older lady runs toward door
The manager let’s her in with a smile, suddenly as I watch this scene unfolded
Another man jumped from his car after speeding into the parking lot
This man ran toward the door as the manager lets the older lady in
With a smile she allows him in also

After letting the race car driver in  another car raced into parking space beside me
Out jumps a young man with ponytail of long dreads hanging in middle of his back
He drove up in a beautifully yellow and green painted car with Jamaica on the driver side doors
And a palm tree painted in middle of Jamaica for the “i” and number 6 on his driver side door window
This young fellow wasn’t as confident as he walked slowly toward the electric company with a concern stare hoping to pay his bill, I said no the manager won’t let him, but to my amazement
And delight she lets him in

As she locks the door again behind him another car pulls up; I said she is too late
This manager won’t let another in, sadly the manger walks away from the door
I watched the lady sit in her car not moving, soon I began to feel the sadness I’ve experience
And perceived she was feeling by not having been there on time to pay her bill before the light goes out

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

It needs some work to make it real poetry. Most importantly something to raise it above the level of straight description.

If you edited it harshly, ruthlessly eliminating all the inessential and changed the last line to make the experience reflect something larger in the human condition it could be really good.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I would really lime for this to become really good. I think ill enter it in the splash pool . what do you think

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

enter early.

you would be most welcome in my new workshop on meter. You are a complex, telented woman, flexible, you can do Splash, Olympic and Sharl Pool.

Soon I will strart a workshop on meter. It is open to every one.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.