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Submitted by wellbelove on 12 October 2007 - 6:09pm.| Updated 15 October 2007 - 3:49pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
The first time
Was just a dream
The second time
Beyond belief
The third time
Wonderful
The fourth time
Incredible
The fifth time
Indescribable.
But the best time
The most amazing time
The time that can't escape my mind
That peeps into my dreams
And keeps me awake
That fills my veins
With a drug
That means
I am lost
From time.
Is that best time
That will be
Always be
A moment
Can't believe
Which is...
The next time.
Always the next time
More than the first time
You.
Touch.
Hold.
And then.
Kiss me.
Kiss me.
Kiss me.
Breath.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
(1 vote)
eck,
love the sentiment, but find the poem trite. Forgive me though because it could be the world’s greatest poem and in my drunken state I might be unfair to it…
there IS anticipation, ok that’s good!
the sequence is right… good!
hmmm, but it’s just too overwrought for my tastes, lemme check it when I’m sober.
Mark W.
Love the concept,
been ruminating a lot lately on the nature of time, expectation and memory.
Liked the ending to, was as haunting as Elvis Costello’s “I want you”.
Felt that the line “That means I am distracted” was a bit clunky, in fact maybe that whole stanza could do with a second look.
Overall, if I was drunk I might have said the same as Mark, but there is more to this than that, especially conceptually.
cheers,
Jess
Changed
as always useful feedback - and distracted has got lost ;-)
A break away from bruised poems
and into a much more pleasant touch that deserves remark,The stricken school boy as Mark said may be trite,however let me offer perspective as a stricken young adult once myself,getting over that first infatuation,you capture that well.Love Sick Puppies we can be.
In ink,
Dabbler