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Lexicon (Complete Revision of Colloquial)
Contortion of a warped treain of thought,
vocabulary articulated with diction,
colloquial argot.
Lexicon of the abstract and abstruse,
conception of an illusion.
Manipulating consciousness.
Vociferous articulating of intense emotion,
or inaudible machinations of a warped mind.
Halcyon conversation.
Language is my passion
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Race_9togo
Thu, 2011-04-07 20:36
Hi Lou,
I like this one a lot.
Imo, if you could lose as many of the conjunctions as you can, perhaps replacing them with punctuation, this would really tighten things up, and help your little piece give that swift rap on readers' heads, heehee.
I would incluse one cuss, perhaps your favorite swear word, in the end lines as well: that would have great impact.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
lou
Thu, 2011-04-07 22:53
Jim
Thank you that's a great help
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
scribbler
Thu, 2011-04-07 22:35
greetings
kept rereading to find what seemed missing. I think it may be in last stanza. With rest of poem portraying different sides maybe something like :
One swear word can say more
than one thousand words
and one word of beauty
more than a myriad curses
ever can
Imo this might be the balance that seemed lacking .....................stan PS almost forgot to say I think this one of your best I've read
lou
Thu, 2011-04-07 22:55
Stan
Thank you. I thought that another stanza might be in order.
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Sat, 2011-04-09 05:09
Xena
I find that few swear words every now and again, releave the pressure LOL !!!
Glad that you enjoyed this one.
love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-04-12 11:26
Dear Lou,
We are like minded! I use the words "fuck" and "bitch" often, when I feel they are appropriate. Good work!
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
lou
Tue, 2011-04-12 13:57
Cat
Sometimes the only thing that you can do is swear.
Much love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Tue, 2011-04-12 13:58
Shirl
Thanks
Love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-04-12 15:37
Swear words are my favourites
but that doesn't make this a poem, it's a bit of a ramble really, isn't it?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Tue, 2011-04-12 16:58
Really ?
any chance of any constructive suggestions?
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-04-12 18:10
yes
if you take out the line breaks and read it you will find it is just prose. It needs a thorough re-write to actually encompass poetic values.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Wed, 2011-04-13 06:36
Jess
Thanks
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!