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Submitted by weirdelf on 31 July 2007 - 7:12am.| Updated 26 August 2008 - 8:19pm.
friends heroin
protagonists obnoxiousness
amigos laziness
comrades geographicals
lovers kids
antagonists breakup
rivals old age
associates differences
mates indifference
they swirl around, near and further,
blown by desires
once shared
and finally,
alone.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
(8 votes)
everything
does end up alone in itself, pretty much. even heroin, i suppose. i fear i’m missing something in my reading of this poem. is this just you having fun with words and commenting on existence’s essential isolation, or am i stupider than even i think am? in either case, it made me think!
you pretty much got it right on.
words on the left types of relationships, words on the right ways of losing them, at one point I had “mix’n’match” after the two lists, before the final verse. Think I should put it back?
cheers,
Jess
i
actually don’t think that would be a good idea–there’s no reason a reader should not, if the poem is intriguing enough (which this is), take the time to figure out the form and message themselves.
ta
cheers,
Jess
I really like this one! I
I really like this one! I get it through and through in the end alone, through it all maybe you thought you weren’t but in the end your alone. If I’ve got this right..
Brittany Rae
Quite different for you
It almost makes me want to draw connecting lines to the right opposite. Very interesting Jess. I need to digest it a little more.
K. Mulroney
damn!
if it weren’t for you having “kids” in the right hand column you’d have perfectly kept people on the left and things / concepts on the write. This is a sexy little mood poem, despite your not intending it to be. You finish this surrealism off in elegant sadness that I would love to read while slightly buzzed.
Mark
Where they have gone
They’ve swirled around and hidden in the crevices of our memories, the darker corners where we tried to block them out, lodge themselves in the soles of our feet….damned things that we cannot lose and damned things that we cannot keep. Either way we find ourselves alone to contemplate both.
My best,
Ronda
Jess
Very creative piece
Very interesting
Smiles:)
Barbara
A rather different poetic style, after reading the comments, I reread and understood what you were portraying. Many circumstances causes the lost of friendships as I understand how friends were lost in your poem.
really good writing
thanks Ronda, Linda, Barbara
Barbara’s recent poem inspired me to come back to this and do some fine tuning.
cheers,
Jess
basin pool
loved this poem
the style and
content
alone yes seperated
and yet collected all
at once
This property Is Protected
This property Is Protected By
Rott and Weiler
Nice to read you again. I get notices on your writing now and again. On this one?
They are all right behind you, under the concrete.
Nice stuff as usual.
mmm
this just aah rolls right
I need some lessons
I have read the poem and the comments. I like it and I must admit, this is new to me. I have also learnt one or two things. Does this style have a name? I need some lessons. Thanks and best wishes.
no this poem doesn't have a style name
I made it up between poetry and subset logic theory (mathematics/logic).
My best suggestion, if you can get it, is “The poets Manual and Rhyming Dictionary” by Frances Stillman. Or something similar. I use it all the time to refer to metre, rhythm, alliteration and rhyming schemes. Not afraid to admit it, poery is too big for any one of us and I recommend it to anyone who asks. The big drawback is that it is heavily English based, while drawing on classical Greek and Roman forms and references to Scandinese and Japanese… not much Chinese and we haven’t even covered a quarter of the world.
Well, being linguisitcly challenge I can only really write and converse in in English. Sorrry for my ignorance.
If you can’t get a copy and want one PM me and I can get one and send it to you. Try www.amazon.com first.
cheers,
Jess
Jess
Thank you. I will do as suggested. Cheers!
You've breached here ...
a new high for me as reader of a write of yours. Sorry … I feel helpless, powerless, quite compelled, in fact, to plaster my top vote upside your head on this one.
Thanx,
Chuck
PS: A brilliant—exceptionally so!—write. Matches up well with the best poetry I’ve seen anywhere I’ve chosen to look.
that is the best reply I have ever had
ah Chuck cannot say thanks enough
cheers,
Jess
Jess You questioned whether to change.........
Hi Jess,
From the first comments, you question whether to change, Why, although
it was replied in support of staying the way you have written it,
But to have changed, would have taken away the magic to which makes this work,
I am some-what surprised that you would even question/consider,
as that would undersell yourself,
I won’t begin to lecture you on controversy, as you have some-what mastered this
quite well,
I can only add my support, although somewhat cleverly simplistic, yet deep and stirring,
10/10………
Best regards…Peter
~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
thanks Peter
that queston to change was before I did the revision, which was just a formatting revision, before it made the relationships left to right look more connected. The revision did help, didn’t change a word.
Thank you
cheers,
Jess