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The Bit (more meter)
The theatre has men who like to pretend
Some force themselves to crack funny short jokes
Others are natural in what they do
I stepped in pretending to be a wolf
An unknown Tiger came to eat me up
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-01-28 03:46
Let's have a go at parsing this
The thea/tre has men/ who like/ to pretend
Some force/ themselves/ to crack/ funny/ short jokes
Others are/ natur/al in/ what they/ do
I stepped/ in pre/tending/ to be/ a wolf
An un/known Tig/er came/ to ate/ me up
For starters I really love this poem, the whimsy with a sense of seriousness.
I found it very difficult to parse. It feels like a real mixture of meters. I'd like others to have a go and see if it comes out differently.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
t. reflexion
Sun, 2012-01-29 23:44
I think you are right...
Honestly, I am learning this thing for the first time. I must have brought a mixture of stressed and unstressed in the piece. From the inputs and comments I have seen the area I need to work on. thank you
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
t. reflexion
Thu, 2012-02-02 23:55
Thank you
I have taken off the error and more than that I am still struggling with the things about meter, parsing and the inconsistency in my arrangement. Best wishes.
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
Bloodstone
Sat, 2012-01-28 19:00
well, I won't break the trend
let me have a go:)
The thea/ tre has men/ who like/ to pre tend
Some force/ them selves/ to crack fun/ny short jokes
Others are/ natural in /what they /do
I stepped/ in pretend/ ing to be/ a wolf
An un/ known Ti/ ger came/ to ate/ me up
This seems right to me, it is my spoken dialect at least. I'm sorry, I'm one of those who pronounces 'na-tchu-ral' as 'na-tchrul', honestly, is that lazy of me? To me, with 3 syllables that line read as weirdelf pointed out:P
after reading this the many times I have, I find it really enjoyable. Personally, it speaks about ones place in the social hierachy of the world stage.
_____________
If I had it my way I'd be up on a mountain. Playing my guitar,
until my calluses grew calluses, my arse a chair and my smile into a halo
scribbler
Sat, 2012-01-28 20:50
hello
Enjoyed the poem. Laste line I think you mean eat not ate
As far as parsing goes I think jess got it right except 2nd line which I read as trochaic instead of iabic. But as alway it depends on how any individual reads it.........stan
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-01-28 20:53
T., I would like you to edit this
to try and make it conform to regular iambic pentameter, just for the sake of the exercise.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry