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My Place
We are no equals...
Definitely no identical twins...
Why did He use a rib bone?
But not one from the skull....
Did He fear I’d defeat you?
Or wanted me to be your aide
Anyway, it explains....
Why our brains don’t work the same....
And why at times you act strange....
Up there, you’ve got different cells obviously
No wonder your mind’s a complete mystery
Hence, now the best left to do
Is to stop the struggle to understand you
I’m pleased....
He didn’t use a leg bone.....
Letting you to tread on me,
Or treat me like dirt on your feet...
Adam, He used your rib bone
In creating me......
So..., a place near your heart
He expects for me....!
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
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Comments
Kailashana2
Mon, 2011-07-18 09:51
Like how you think, N.
Like how you think, N. Particularly love the ending.
the second line no, I think should be not... and the sentence that begins with hence, doesn't need the *now* , no? Other than that, I wouldn't change a word.
~A
Nilmini
Mon, 2011-07-18 11:17
Thank you, K
Yes, I definitely agree with you that no 'now' with 'hence'. I felt something was not quite right in that line, but didn't know what and where. Thank you for finding that for me. And I'm glad that you like my way of thinking.... for I have this feeling you're an Adam, too ; - )
loved
Mon, 2011-07-18 10:52
the world has changed
in its thinking
after Darwins theory...
when will youuuuuu
i wonder only???
any how ur poetry's luvely
says lovedly
loved
Nilmini
Mon, 2011-07-18 11:21
: - D I've changed too
and now thinking in 'this' old way. Thank you 'Luvd' for your luvely comment.
loved
Mon, 2011-07-18 13:40
INITIALLY I WAS SO SCARED
GLAD U BRUSH OFF MY FEAR
THANKS
AND WHAT DO U THINK OF THIS
GREED last night we were at a large gathering
and someone said
GREED IS MUST
IT MOVES HUMAN BEINGS AND ECONOMIES
AND SINCE AMERICANS R STILL FOREMOST
TILL CHINA AND INDIA FOLLOW
AND USA BECOMES THIRD
USA STILL CONTINUES TO HOLD
THE THRUST TILL 2040
IF THEY CAN ONLY MAKE GOOD
WITH THE MUCH NEEDED TRILLIONS
WHICH I DOUBT MOST
loved
Nilmini
Mon, 2011-07-18 15:24
Dear Loved,
You've surprise me with your poem, as I've just finished writing an essay on the same line. Well... the title goes as 'India and China. The Race to the Top of the World. Who will get there first?"
I love the idea in this. But let me re-read it and think about it more before I tell you what I feel...
Until then Ciao!
~ Nil
loved
Mon, 2011-07-18 18:06
Share with me your thoughts of the world we live in can you
Share with me your thoughts of the world we live in ,
can you
Help me in my mission of creating world citizens,
Without any boarders man made.
If a USA citizen can trot the world,
Without a visa,
Why deny it to others?
Who owns the world today?
Does USA or we all are those who equally inherit,
Consequent to a natural evolution…
Boundaries we make to suit our own way
loved
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-07-19 10:28
Hello,
and welcome to neopoet! I hope you will find a comfortable home here for your poetry and thoughts. You've written an interesting piece and I really like the concept. Nice ending, too!
Always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Nilmini
Wed, 2011-07-20 14:00
Thanks Cat.
Your words are real encouraging. Cheers
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-07-19 10:46
I fucking love this poem!
Now I'm almost stopped for words. It uses the imagery of a religion I despise, and yet despises it.
Fucking brilliant reclamation of power!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Nilmini
Wed, 2011-07-20 14:11
OMG Jess!
Even though I didn't really understand what you said, I guess you are complimenting my poem. Thanks my friend : )
loved
Thu, 2012-10-04 09:18
YOU TAKE addressing a nice lady like you
as fucking
a complement???
then you will love my latest one on fucking
i shall post here soonly
its al about sexing....
how old may you be
hope at least over 18
loved
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-10-05 05:00
Yes, I was complimenting it.
Excuse my language, expletives roll from my tongue when all the best words are taken, as by your poem.
Don't mind Loved's response, it shows a severe cognitive disability in language. I was using it as an adverb to describe my strong appreciation of the poem and then as an adjective describing strong reaction to content, clearly not a description of or address to you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
loved
Fri, 2012-10-05 06:26
lovely....
words emanate from the heart
why bother about the cunt loved
its all in greatness
comments we all sincerely make
give and take
no excuse needed
we admire your seriousness
as well as sincerity
that's needed by poets
like us most
loved
Dalton
Wed, 2012-10-03 15:53
Hi Nilmini
I love the ending. You have really given Eve a voice here. The voice which is obviously worthy to be heard as Adam's. He chose the rib because it was an organ or part of the body close to the heart. I really like this piece
John
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-10-05 06:39
Nilmini
I also loved this one it shone out from the norm..
Now to get some debate going RIB in the old translation of the written words handed down means CLAY/SOIL which gives the women freedom
It means that you don't owe men a thing, they probably lost their Rib in a fight some place. Clay or Soils means in it translation Of the Earth, Yours waiting for the noise, Sparrows Wife
PS I locked them all in the dark room, maybe I will let them out sometime, if only I could remember where the Key is La La..
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..