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The Final Version of Loved//// Neo's (maiden)Sonnet
Let’s Sonetize our Love
O beautiful woman I see every day
striding about the Garden of Eden
Singing a song of our maiden foreplay
like two sincere hearts honest and even.
But then your smiles of hallelujah, lullaby
bring to my deaf ears a sound for a while
You seem to say Dear Lover let’s fly
into the darkest corners where only heavens smile.
My desires you seem to know in advance
as I sing about you and then hold on.
Sincerely you love dance and romance
I have to render a hand before you are gone
The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.
THIS IS FINALE
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
lovedly
Thu, 2020-07-23 10:06
.
.
Rula
Sun, 2017-04-16 15:26
Hello loved
This is really beautiful. It doesn't necessarily meet the sonnet's requirements, yet it is still well written. I athought you should write more structured poetry.
Bravo!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Rula
Sun, 2017-04-16 15:29
Brings
shouldn't it be "bring"
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
lovedly
Sun, 2017-04-16 16:19
brings is okay
I think
I'll ask Snowman also
wesley snow
Sun, 2017-04-16 15:56
NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!
Troubles with meter. Some forced rhymes.
They say the greatest compliment is the ability to criticize.
This kicks structured western ass.
Lover, this is possibly the finest poem you have ever written. It is surely the best I have read.
Well done my lover. Well, so very well done.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
lovedly
Sun, 2017-04-16 16:15
thanks less syllables its a lovers
sonnetized comment
a sonnet
abab cdcd efef gg kind
syllables are out of my mind
yes forced rhymes 'tis a crime?
Keith Logan
Mon, 2017-04-17 07:21
Some thoughts
This is generally a fine sonnet but all works can be improved. The first three lines are classic. The fourth lets it down somewhat. Maybe something like two hearts honest and even. Next verse could read Into the darkest corners where only heaven smiles.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
lovedly
Mon, 2017-04-17 08:29
you sure draw
my attention and appreciation Keith
jane210660
Mon, 2017-04-17 10:24
Lovedly
It is one of the best things you've written and has massive potential.
Of course it would improve with fine tuning, most poems do.
In the penultimate line, you say 'off of'- some would argue that this isn't grammatically incorrect, but it's poor language at best. It doesn't read smoothly either.
'The sweeping off of your feet from the floor
Makes me confident to lead you to my door'
Perhaps a better line and keeping the 10 syllable count would be
'The sweeping you off your feet from the floor'
'The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.'
Lovedly, these are just suggestions, I'm sure you can come up with your own.
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
lovedly
Mon, 2017-04-17 12:12
kindness ma'am Jane
I am open to all suggestions
and
I appreciate your assistance
I am still learning
since decades
Learning doesn't end
at any stage
Keith Logan
Mon, 2017-04-17 16:43
Very good Loved
Now, if you showed two versions of the final couplet for a vote, I would go for the first one.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
lovedly
Mon, 2017-04-17 16:54
sad
I erased it
how did you remember Keith
I may in my archives
the older version seek
I don't keep the original on my docu's
I shall in future I promise you
Still I will search
once from my friends post
in HOPES
lovedly
Mon, 2017-04-17 16:55
FOUND IT FROM MY FRIENDS PAGE
The sweeping off of your feet from the floor
Makes me confident to lead you to my door
Sparrow
Tue, 2017-04-18 04:18
Loved
I think that this one is very good and if true to form with some small edits would make an excellent piece.
Sonnets are to me too much of messing about with syllables and lines, I am glad it was not me to attempt this task.
Messages from the poets pen need to me to be more fun and not held by a strict rule of words.
Well done young Bard for pushing the limits.
I may feel to write a sonnet one day ??
You take care, Yours, Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
lovedly
Tue, 2017-04-18 07:27
Thank you Ian...
I was wondering how you had missed it thanks a million
do try ts fun syllables are beyond me
take itv as freestyle SONNETRY
as if coming from a cemetery
good and happy read
bard me
Sparrow
Tue, 2017-04-18 19:25
Loved
I tried as you can see on my last post but some problem with stressed silly bulls,
Oh well I tried--
Take care young Bard,
All my best thoughts,
Yours Ian
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
lovedly
Tue, 2017-04-18 23:50
great
be well Ian
Keith Logan
Wed, 2017-04-19 05:06
You asked for it
The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.
The reason I prefer this one is that the other talks of being confident. Not at all the way I would try to win favours.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
jane210660
Wed, 2017-04-19 05:10
You know which I prefer
You know which I prefer Lovedly, if only for the reason 'off, of' is clumsy. Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
lovedly
Wed, 2017-04-19 11:57
thanks to both of you
I stand confused
jane210660
Wed, 2017-04-19 13:04
Why
Both keith and I prefer the same one. Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
lovedly
Wed, 2017-04-19 13:55
sorry ma'am
was very tired today
so I made the mistake
shall finalise after another comment or two
perhaps you two will win
I now agree
regards to both ===
equally
wesley snow
Wed, 2017-04-19 18:05
Never unpublish!
What you post should remain. Change if you will, but leave the original alone.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
lovedly
Thu, 2017-04-20 01:03
Thanks now I learn
MY ORIGINAL STAYS
EDIT ONES
I shall post afresh
thanks Mr SNOW MAN
Keith Logan
Wed, 2017-04-19 19:54
Hello again
Second verse, lines one and two, either smiles or brings should be singular (not both).
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
wesley snow
Fri, 2017-04-21 19:05
Hello Keith.
You're a hard man to get hold of.
I'll get straight to the point. I'm going to run a workshop on basic meter (with Jess' permission) and I would like very much for you to moderate. What say you? Have you the time and the inclination?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Keith Logan
Sat, 2017-04-22 00:00
I have both the time and inclination
but I cannot guarantee to be fully available all the time. I have several physical problems which can effect my ability to concentrate. Having said that I have already written something of an introduction to rhyme concentrating mainly on couplets, that may make a good starting point.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
lovedly
Sat, 2017-04-22 01:07
Thanks to all
Who have helped me
in polishing this maiden
Love sonnet
lovedly
Sat, 2017-04-22 11:52
grateful kindness and thanks
glad your refreshed
jess has not read it yet
wesley snow
Sat, 2017-04-22 17:27
A beautiful poem,
but still not a sonnet. There are rules to follow and you did not. Still and all a "lovely" poem.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
lovedly
Sat, 2017-04-22 22:43
lovely free verse sonnetery poem
syllables without/beyond
my limitations
weirdelf
Sat, 2017-07-08 02:06
I may give you hell, my dear
but I honour your achievements.
I hope I have not done you a dis-service with my reading-
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/lets-sonetize-our-love
may I have your permission to post it to our Neopoet Facebook page?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lovedly
Sat, 2017-07-08 11:41
it will be the highest honour
jess coming out from you
thank you
I bow master !
my maker
lovedly
Sun, 2020-05-31 10:53
Let’s Sonetize our Love
Let’s Sonetize our Love
O beautiful woman I see every day
striding about the Garden of Eden
Singing a song of our maiden foreplay
like two sincere hearts honest and even.
But then your smiles of hallelujah, lullaby
bring to my deaf ears a sound for a while
You seem to say Dear Lover let’s fly
into the darkest corners where only heavens smile.
My desires you seem to know in advance
as I sing about you and then hold on.
Sincerely you love dance and romance
I have to render a hand before you are gone
The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.
Naked Autumn Trees
Seeds- Root-Trunk-Branches –
soft feathery leaves
raindrops
small still
Spell bound nudity,
I am the autumn tree
lanky trunk
in cold winters breeze
I freeze...
My bark -like thin skin
tightens---
the warmth within me
I ought to contain
Autumns will come again and again
but for many years
I have to sustain...
My multi colorful leaves
strewn across the fields
still remember me as a mother tree
now stark bare and nude
but still lovely
why has it, its kids now abandoned.
lonely isolated leaves do wonder.
Out in the whiteness of snow
now I stand naked all alone
hoping spring will spring- soon enough
to re-clothe me
I will face many more autumns similarly
so friends abide with me
I stand stark naked
nude yet so lovely
all come to admire me
not birds only...
lovedly
Thu, 2020-07-23 10:08
.
,
lovedly
Thu, 2020-07-23 10:04
..
,