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In absence of love ~The Challenge
the sun burns in day skies
loyally in summertime
some cry out from its source of pain
longing peace and security
a trap into life's forge
fingernails scratching at lock doors
for entitlements enjoyed by elderly
fordone for all younger than 55
left to suffer at hands of corrupt ones
parched grass lay bare
no longer green
for those climbing fences
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-10-12 08:20
Hi Barbara, nice attempt
I can feel the compassion, pain and belief behind your words but I think they could be expressed in a more memorable way.
Remember what I said, that freeform doesn't exclude poetic devices like rhyme, meter, assonance and consonance etc, it just means they are not used in a rigid structure throughout the poem.
Would you consider trying a re-write to enhance the "musicality" of the language?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Barbara Writes
Fri, 2012-10-12 20:37
Jess
Will do. Thanks for the critique
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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