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More Doors
I must sit down and turn around
be mindful as I sit,
the reason you can't see my face
is it's covered with your spit!
This gravy-train is quite insane
I chew my food real good;
I have a way of saying things
but I'm so, misunderstood!
It's alright, I'll be polite
and say what's on my mind;
if negatives breed negatives
I'll be the other kind.
With borrowed soap, I can't lose hope
and air my cares outside;
if the time's not right and at this height,
it'll be impossible to hide!
Tweedle-dee, and tweedle-dum
no worries in the rain;
all my good and bad times
end up going down the drain.
Seems to me my final plea
won't say as much as yours;
my journey's almost over
while you've still a lot more doors!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-07-25 00:27
Well written, reads with flow and entertainment,
I would try re-writing it in the first person, I think it would have more impact.
Just as an example-
I sit down and turn around
mindful as I sit,
the reason you can't see my face
is it's covered with your spit!
This gravy-train is quite insane
but, I chew my food real good;
It's my usual argument with your work, but can you see my point? We convey our power by owning it, not telling others what to do.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
docmaverick
Wed, 2012-07-25 04:29
Of course, you're right....
...I found a long forgotten notebook where I "sketched", for a time or two.
Thanx, for that;
doc.
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