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Poewriter58

Northeast,
United States

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Chrys & Rhonda...

equal billing thats interesting… Wonder who I would write with, you two match well together, not sure who I might ask; but thanks for the idea.

Great Effort
Frost

Submitted by poewriter58 on 7 March 2008 - 4:38pm.

Thank you from Ronda and I
we would tell you who wrote the last stanza but then we would have to kill you
it just isn’t important who wrote which stanza or line
thank you again glad you liked it
Chrys

Submitted by professor on 8 March 2008 - 4:43am.

My two pence worth

Ladies this is, of course, very, very good and frankly i would expect nothing less. At the risk of having you fix me with those soul-consuming eyes Ronda (when you have finished with Gary that is!), I do have a few minor suggestions for lines that dont quite cut it for me. In the first instance leaving aside possible issues of rhythm I find the image of leather wings encasing a body a little uncomfortable and it would help the flow if there was at least an extra syllable in the line anyway. So possible “enveloping” or “enshrouding”.

“Enveloping a life
So it never sees the light”

I have a little difficulty with indigo being the color of ice although it can I agree be a very cooling color. So may be for me it could have been

“Indigo eyes as cold as ice”

Also for me the last two lines dont quite achieve the rhythm necessary for a strong finale…mainly because the last line feels too long. So may be just:

“Black heart knowing all too soon
You’ll be consumed by your desire”.

As always just potential polishing suggestions that occurred to me and of no major importance. Probably reflects a personal bias anyway. So be gentle with me please Ronda.lol….and Chrys I hope we are still writing one together too! Keith

Submitted by themoonman on 8 March 2008 - 5:13am.

Nice one...

Hey..I was reading your poem and my monitor went out..oooooh~
very good…enjoyed the read
I know ya’ll had fun writing a piece like this….

Submitted by poewriter58 on 8 March 2008 - 6:18am.

Richard

Are trying to suggest out poem may have had something to do with your monitor(lol)
thank you for your input
Chrys

Submitted by poewriter58 on 7 March 2008 - 4:37pm.

Frost

thank you from myself and Ronda
this was a great project Ronda was wonderful to work with
I hope you will find someone to write or co author with you
Chrys

Submitted by poewriter58 on 8 March 2008 - 6:17am.

Keith

I like enveloping
as for the other suggestions my partner in crime will have to discuss them
thanks you for your feedback on this
will speak to my co writer and see what we come up with
in answer to you other question Yes
Chrys

Submitted by RSScheerer on 8 March 2008 - 11:59pm.

Yeah, that was me

I was trying to get Gary and Keith. Sorry about that, Richard
;)

Submitted by professor on 9 March 2008 - 3:32am.

Envelop

Glad you liked the suggestion Chrys although may be it should be “envelop” without the “e” unless you like the idea of licking, sealing and posting him….but then again its not such a bad alternative image. lol. Keith

Submitted by poewriter58 on 9 March 2008 - 4:08am.

Keith

No stop enough lol
I have repaired the error
hey now do not make me get Ronda after you
that might work if it were a different type of poem at that but that is another time and story thanks for catching that
Chrys

Submitted by RSScheerer on 9 March 2008 - 8:34pm.

we're mailing him

All he needs is postage.
This was too funny, Keith!

Submitted by professor on 10 March 2008 - 1:53am.

Sense of humor

I am told I have a wicked sense of humour Ronda…so be prepared. Keith

Submitted by RSScheerer on 7 March 2008 - 7:01pm.

it feels sort of odd

But it turned out well. I’d be happy to give it a go - preferably without rhyme - LOL (sorry Chrys, but you know me!)

Thanks for the input, Frost.
~ Ronda

Submitted by RSScheerer on 9 March 2008 - 12:05am.

raises eybrow

Submitted by RSScheerer on 9 March 2008 - 12:15am.

thanks, Keith

I had a slight problem with “indigo” and “ice” as well. My band-aid for that is “Indigo eyes flash the color of ice.”

As for the last stanza, try this (mostly because it’s not going to get any better than this as far as revisions!:P) -

“A whisper of ebony contrasts the moon
coloring death with crimson fire
Black heart knowing all too soon
you’ll be consumed by your own desires”

I like “enveloping” as well.

Your suggestions are appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to offer them! I promised not to hurt you - much.

~ Ronda

Submitted by professor on 9 March 2008 - 3:41am.

Ouch

Ronda playing with pins like that is just not fair…although may be i could get to enjoy it in time..and as for those eyes…. lol. You might send one of those band aids over here by the way. Seriously though the last verse looks fine. So does this mean Chrys 1,3 and 5 and Ronda 2,4,6? It is quite easy to see some of your respective distinctive styles in this poem but not all the time so it does come across as almost seamless. Keith

Submitted by poewriter58 on 9 March 2008 - 4:14am.

Keith

Since you have figured that out all my yourself
only because of the corrections mind you
yes 1-3-5
are mine
the rest is the lady that threatens to do bodily harm to those that pick on us lol

it was the most fun I had thus far with my co writes
Chrys

Submitted by professor on 9 March 2008 - 4:51am.

Fun

Well that’s alot to live up to Chrys but will try. I admit to having benefited from a little help on the verse identification but whether you believe me or not it was kind of what I had figured from the beginning though i was not completely sure until I got some confirmation. I’ve managed to remove all the pins dont worry. lol. Keith

Submitted by RSScheerer on 9 March 2008 - 8:36pm.

chrys gave it away

I knew you’d figure it out after she said she had to check on some of the revisions! LOL

Submitted by calliope on 6 March 2008 - 9:22am.

this was...

…haunting and beautifully written A damn fine poem,Poet.
Lacy,

Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

Submitted by poewriter58 on 6 March 2008 - 9:45am.

Lacy

Thank you for those words
On behalf of Ronda she thanks you as w3ell she is great to work with
Chrys

Submitted by RSScheerer on 7 March 2008 - 2:28pm.

hey, Lacy

Don’t ask me how I missed thanking you for your comments, seeing as you’re the first person on the list! Sorry!!
Glad you liked the piece.
~ Ronda

Submitted by Candlewitch on 6 March 2008 - 11:54am.

Hey There

You’ve both done yourselves proud with this dark and powerful piece!

Cat

Submitted by poewriter58 on 6 March 2008 - 12:04pm.

I and Ronda thank you

hey Cat thought you might have like this one it was a pleasure having ronda working with me
Chrys

Submitted by RSScheerer on 6 March 2008 - 3:29pm.

thanks, Cat

As you know from experience, Chrys is a great poet to work with!
~ Ronda

Submitted by RSScheerer on 6 March 2008 - 3:27pm.

Notice

How Chrys picked something dark for our collaboration? I think she’s type-casting me!

Seriously, this was something very new to me. I’ve never co-conspired - oops, I mean co-written! - with anyone, and Chrys was definitely a great place to start.

It was fun, Chrys! I’m pretty happy with what we finished. I wonder, can anyone tell which of us wrote which stanza?

~ Ronda

Submitted by poewriter58 on 6 March 2008 - 3:45pm.

Thank you

I like co conspired
hey think we can use this for a new contest guess who wrote what

ah but then we would have to tell
it was a pleasure Ronda
Chrys

Submitted by Janice Pearce on 7 March 2008 - 8:18am.

I hate to comment on such a

I hate to comment on such a beautiful poem but here are my thoughts:
“You’ll not let be saved” didn’t seem to flow well
“Encase the life” didn’t seem to flow well either~ Just my meager opinion~Janice

Submitted by poewriter58 on 7 March 2008 - 9:03am.

thanks for the input

will have another look
perhaps you’ll not save
and
encase the life I would prefer it to stay
Chryas

Submitted by RSScheerer on 7 March 2008 - 2:20pm.

thanks, Janice!

This was an interesting endeavor!
~ Ronda

Submitted by pinksheep on 7 March 2008 - 10:00am.

I really

liked the last stanza-pinksheep

Submitted by poewriter58 on 7 March 2008 - 1:42pm.

thanks Pink

From both of us
we aren’t saying who wrote what though
those folks that know my writing should be able to tell right off
Chrys

Submitted by RSScheerer on 7 March 2008 - 2:22pm.

thanks, pink

Chrys is keeping me mum as well. LOL

I think that anyone who has read both of us should probably be able to recognize our writing. At least it should be fun trying!

~ Ronda

Submitted by poewriter58 on 7 March 2008 - 1:39pm.

you dare

make a comment such as that do you
lol
thanks Gary wait till you see what is coming up next
Chrys

Submitted by RSScheerer on 7 March 2008 - 2:24pm.

you see my picture?

Don’t make me hurt you, Gary….LOL
Glad you liked it!
~ Ronda

Submitted by poewriter58 on 7 March 2008 - 3:14pm.

Ronda

lol hey now don’t hurt Gary he cries easily let me be first
I needed that laugh
anyone care to try and figure out who wrote what no prizes just our heart felt thanks

Submitted by ladytheresa on 31 December 1969 - 7:00pm.

I like

Dark and powerful as you both have proved this one to be. Great work to both of you with your combined geniuses! I agree however with Janice's input about those 2 lines- you may want to rework them just a bit to improve the flow. But The visuals are great and the content enticing. Thanks for sharing! LadyTheresa

Submitted by poewriter58 on 7 March 2008 - 1:37pm.

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