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Submitted by Candlewitch on 6 February 2008 - 5:50pm.| Updated 12 February 2008 - 4:55pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
The river of life is flowing
Throughout all of time
The undercurrent in my life
Pulling on my mind
The river of life is going
To take me someday
To numerous distant places
Somewhere far away
The river of life is streaming
Taking me away
Whether of not I want to go
Taking me today
The river of life runs through here
Like a great freight train
Interrupting the darkest night
Cutting through the rain
The river of life unending
Changing everything
Banishing the dead of Winter
Bringing in the Spring
The river of life forever
Battle it in vain
Its purpose is to assist and
Take away our pain
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
(2 votes)
Oh No Here She Comes
hey cat
how about instead of the river of life flows through here make that the river of life runs through here like a great freight train, makes more sense
the last stanza just a wee bit weak
now was I gentle enough yes I was you have had me come down like a ton of bricks lol
while we were going through the book
actually cat this is a good write
Chrys
Thanks
Thank you Chrys. I changed it to your suggestion as I thought you were right. I know I can always count on you to help out and I do so appreciate your help.
Cat
Go with the flow but....
Hi Cat, yes we are all swept along inevitably by your great river of life…the secret is to make sure you keep a paddle with you at all times to help negotiate the rapids…lol. I like the form and rhythm of the poem, and of course the river running through the middle. If i was going to make a minor change then it might improve the flow of the penultimate verse if you changed it to “Bringing in the spring”…the repetition of “….ing” in the first word of 3 successive lines also nicely creates a tone of inevitable progression….re-inforcing the feel of wheels of the Freight train turning as well…just a thought. Hope you are well. Keith
Thanks
Thank you Keith! I think you are right and have employed your suggestion! I am always interested in reading your thoughts and ideas.
Cat