About workshops

Workshops on Neopoet are groups that meet for a certain period of time to focus on a certain aspect of poetry. Each workshop participant is asked to critique all the other poems submitted into a workshop. A workshop leader helps coordinate -- they set the agenda, give participants feedback on whether their submissions and critique are at they level expected of them, and after the workshop is over, give feedback to participants. 

To join a workshop, first find one that is of interest to you. Once you have found the right workshop (and verified that it is open -- you can find this out in the description below), you can apply to join the workshop.


Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Splash Pool (initial workshop)

Status: 
Program description/goal: 

Description:

Workshop for beginners. Here new poets and those just beginning to learn poetry can interact with each other and receive light feedback and ideas from each other and from the Moderators/Leaders. Main purpose of workshop is to help the attendees improve their own poetry and helping them with offering critique.

Eddie (Eduardo Cruz) (Leader)
Louise (lou) (moderator)
Barbara (Barbara Writes) (Moderator)
Peter (whitescatter) (Moderator)
Stan (scribbler) (Co-Leader)

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WORKSHOP - Critique Skills:

Workshop commences - 16 May 2011.

To apply you must Private Message: Eddie Cruz

Once you're accepted, you are required to attend, although please let me know if there are exceptional circumstances that prevent you from attending. If there is a problem with computer time, please contact: Eddie Cruz or Hooded Stranger (Dan)

If the workshop is full for those 14 days your name will be held for the next workshop
You will be contacted by Eddie Cruz or by one of the moderators when the next workshop begins.
.
Workshop Description:
To learn the process on how to critique poetry for beginners.
Skills to be learned:
Content
Style; Freeform, Western classic, and Haiku’s
Recognizing if logic is carried through the poem.
Spelling and grammar in critiques will be subject to correction.

Participants: not more than 10
All participants must enter a rough draft poem.
One poem at a time will be critiqued and we will move to the next poem, once we are satisfied with the results or while we wait on an edit.
Participants must write a critique, to the best of their knowledge and skill and explain why the poem works or not, and explain what it is they see in the poem or what they would like to see.
The writer of the poem will have a chance to explain why it was written that way. This is not a debate workshop, it’s a learning workshop so please no personal attacks. You must adhere to Neopoet regulations.
Please keep in mind we only have 14 days. Hopefully we will get to cover all 10 poems. The idea is to learn how to look at a poem and to offer constructive critique.

Length: 
14 days
Number of participants (limit): 
10 people
Skill level: 
Date: 
Monday, May 16, 2011 to Monday, May 30, 2011

Comments

I eagerly look forward to have a "splash"...please take me on board...

raj (sublime_ocean)

I am happy to have you as my first victim. Hahaha!
Thank you, I welcome you with open arms
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Thank you Eddie...

I am ready to be your first kill..hahahaha...

raj (sublime_ocean)

If you would like to join in the first stage of workshop critic pools, please PM me. (Eddie Cruz)
Welcome and thank you to all participates
Splash Pool Leader,
Eddie Cruz

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Bring shark bate with you to keep them occupy. Hahaha!
Ed.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Good luck with your new post, I know you will do a really good job.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Thanks for the support
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I am looking forward to splash in the pool.. Thanks Eddie for adding me.

Cheers
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Bathing suits are required. Hahaha!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I just bought a new one!
<GIGGLE>

Keep smiling, keep shining.

You better not look better than me on it, because. I'll have to kick you out into the scorching sun, without tanning lotion. LMAO

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Lou's position as moderator has been changed to Co-leader.
Per: Eddie Cruz -workshop Leader
thanks Lou for accepting and all the help
and to all moderators without your help none of this would be possible!
I appreciate your help!

Eddie Cruz

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I will be your lifeguard and you will learn to swim so that you may later swim amongst the sharks. Hahaha!!

Thanks for joining in!
Your bud Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

to the splash pool Rosina.. You are not the only non swimmer here.. I cannot swim either :-)
lets hit the pool !

Cheers
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

and that's the perfect reason for *us* to be in the splash pool...

I am all set to splash some water around..

Cheers
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Dear Rosina, I have revised my poem as per your suggestions, but I haven’t changed some of the things like “they” which is not very common …..in place of “people” which is very ordinary and lacks in interest and originality.
Now, “Barking like a gun”….indeed I am very happy with the invention of this expression and I really did not want to use the word “dog” or the expression of a “dog” with my personality, so I used “gun” whose thunder is much louder than a dog’s bark. And it apparently means that I am in passion and power and royalty that is why I am a figurative gun or I would be a literal dog.
Thank you so much for your nice and informative suggestions and I really respect your time and energy wasted on this verse-writer (but not a poet).

Regards

Ayaz

Just so you know when you write like this, it is more than just verse it is "Prose Poetry" so to say you are not a poet of sorts is incorrect my friend.
if you have a question on Prose please feel free to ask Stan he just most recently found the answer and in turn has found himself in the beauty of poetic Prose . Which is how the Prussian write Poetry I have been to the Poetry cafe's in Terrain Iran, so do know how you are trying to write, But there is a certain meter to it.
but please do continue with your comments
Thank you
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Before I begin my "critique" on comments, I will take this opportunity to reiterate that I am far from being an expert at this and will likely learn more than I will teach. So please bear with me and here goes :

Xena,
It is always good to start with something positive as you have done here. I also like that you gave specific suggestions for change. The only fault I find is that you appear to be holding back. If this is so, you should feel free to list ALL areas in which you think the poem could be improved. Don't take this as an affront, just encouragement............stan

I thank you for what you have already done. And completely understand where you are coming from...........stan

I think that your critique is well balanced.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

i thought your critique was very constructive and clear. Some may find lengthy critiques of the whole poem to be a bit much to follow :) I say this because I tend to not get all the suggestions in because I must go back constantly to make sure I got all the suggestions and didn't leave out anything. Your is very good. I would like to say if you will some people take issue being told what to do. for me I don't take issue, but have experience some that do. May you can say something like this with this line; Stanza 1 / L-2 … I don’t think it a good idea to use `that` twice.

Stanza 1/L-2... I suggest using that once because.... It has a softer tone to it. this may not work on everybody but those that honestly wanna do better may accept it more.
:)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

This poem is deeply emotional, conveying a sense of loss and regret. On a second read, however, I found I was struggling to make sense of the imagery used. I believe the multi - layering of rather convoluted constructions tends to hide the trueexpression of the obvious emotional involvement of the writer. I suppose I am trying to say, rather badly, that this poem could do with some pruning to expose a trimmed, lissom appearance
Kindest Regards
Ian
My tears show that I am without you
They curse me for the attitude that I showed
I was ignorant of the ruin of our love
And so live in a trenchof deep regret
Throw on me heaps of shame and disgrace
I have no morals that might shield me
So even if I don't write how I feel
You are now as you were then

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

Thank you very much, Ian, for your comment and time. I don’t know what to write in response to your instructive comment on this poem since I don’t see any errors you have mentioned, but I truly respect your time and counsel.
Thank you so very much
Regards

Ayaz

You have done well in pointing out general shortcomings you found in this poem. I think to have also suggested a few specific changes in a few lines or stanzas would have been helpful in "pointing" Ayaz in the direction of improvement for his poem though. But, again, the overview was excellent..............stan

Ayaz Is correct you must clarify what it is that you would have him do to make his poem better in your opinion.
Thanks Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

It is easy to say change something but the author may need a few pointers to spark off thier inspiration.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

do you see what Ian did, he did not change the poem He just fix the lines so that the sentences sound like sentence giving the poem or verse as you call it, a better flow That is all I'm saying it does not take a major change. you just rearange the words you have to give it flow, so that the imagery can dance with life in our minds.

good job Ian for laborating, that is all that is asked in a critique

Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Honest critique is well accepted when it is constructive and I can see you did just that. My suggestion is this.

"I suppose I am trying to say, rather badly, that this poem could do with some pruning to expose a trimmed, lissom appearance" maybe something like;
it is unclear to me because of my limited use of certain words. I feel words that are common to all will be easier on the writer because they will get your meaning immediately.

"I found I was struggling to make sense of the imagery used." maybe you can say something like;
Your imagery is unclear to me because.....

these are just some suggestions i have benefited from in my writing. It made it easier for me understand where the critiques are coming from :)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I found the poem to be very emotional, for it is about a feeling that all of us experience sometime. It talks of love, lost love, guilt and regret. Ayaz has successfully conveyed these feelings to the reader. It starts with the events that caused the differences and then flows on what impact it had. There are a few things that I wish to say:

Stanza 1 , L2 : the last word-'that' could be omitted, it seems over used in the same sentence.

Stanza 2 : I think the first two lines can be interchanged .. I tried reading it that way and to me it read better.
But if you start the second stanza with 'change' in a person, then the ending of the first stanza saying that 'the person hasn't changed' seems contradicting. Perhaps the last line of the first stanza was intended to mock.
Stanza 2, L5: 'with breath' could be changed to 'with each breath'
Stanza 2 , L10: Somehow the term 'dearth' conveys a quantitative feeling (shortage of something).. Wouldn't a more qualitative word convey the meaning better? (fault/flaw/insufficiency/lacking... etc)

Stanza 3, L1 : I didn't get the meaning of this sentence. Can machines be made to undo the days? I would suggest something else to convey the "I cannot go back in time and mend/amend" feeling.
Stanza 3, L3: Also for this sentence, I am unable to grasp the meaning. What does the word 'paradigm' mean in context to the poem? To me, it read as "Everyday is an< EXAMPLE/PROTOTYPE> with tears and smiles". I would like to know if I am interpreting it wrong?
Stanza 3, L4,5 : Ending both the lines with 'among them' seems unnecessary. I assume that 'with them' refers to 'tears and smiles' and atleast one of the 'among them' could be omitted.
Stanza 3, L8 : 'barking like a gun' Again, I could not understand the meaning. Does it mean a futile cry?
Stanza 3, L9 : 'no listeners to see' doesn't sound right. Listeners listen, viewers/spectators see. Maybe there is some scope of refining this sentence.

Overall, I liked the poem for conveying the torment of the affected heart. However, I had trouble grasping in a few sentences where simpler words could have made the understanding better. But it might because of my limited knowledge of English. One question for Ayaz: Does the poem end with a sense of 'longing' or 'hoping that the lost love returns'?

I hope I haven't offended you, Ayaz. I just wrote my perspective. Thank you for this wonderful experience, and I hope to read many more of your poems.

Cheers,
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

I think this is excellent feed back. You pointed out general ideas and gave specific alternatives also. I am far from being a good enough critic to find need of more............stan

Thank you. I am happy that I could contribute.
But there is still a lot that I need to know and learn. The presence and feedback of good writers around would only do good to me.

Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

No, you haven’t offended me, instead you are simple and straight. I really thank you so much for your kind help and counsel…your comment is beautiful and informative and your knowledge of English is not limited, Sam.
I have corrected my poem also as per your suggestions but I think I cannot interchange 1st and 2nd lines because it (doing so) will affect the 3rd and 4th ones and so on…and you are right that the last line of the 1st stanza is nothing but a sarcasm…yes in 2nd stanza L5 I have deleted “But” and inserted “each” between ‘with’ and ‘breath’ and I feel this really sounds good…actually I didn’t like the word “dearth” and I wanted some better option and moreover it seems incorrect grammatically when I use ‘shortage’ or ‘lack’ and I think I should change this sentence, I am not altogether satisfied. But just to fill up the place I have chosen the word “lacking” but I don’t think it is going to serve my purpose.
Of course machines do not undo one’s life or days, but here I wish my days ( which of course is my life) have all ‘electronic gizmos applications’ with the help of which I could undo the things like I do with my electronic gadgets…My data of unhappy days cannot be deleted from the hard disk of my life… Alas my life is not a mechanical device!
One “among them” is deleted and it gives a good sense.
“Barking like a gun” please see my reply on Rosina’s comment.

“I know there are no listeners to see but you
You know this story is ours and not others’.”

is the heart of my poem and are the most beautiful lines in so far I can see, Sam. I know listeners listen and seers see, but I am not always technical or grammatical in my verse writing and sometimes I do not wish to parse (a word or words in a sentence) grammatically, considering the part of speech, inflectional structure or syntactic function…that is why “listeners see” in my poems as “love was bitter-sweet” in someone else’s expression, though we know love can be either sweet or bitter, but not both at one time.

Answer to your question, Sam. When I wrote this poem I didn’t know whether or not there was hope, but today, at this time when I am reading it again, I notice some rays of hope are beaming in a particular direction of the horizon of life.

Thank you so very much for your read and comments, Sam.

Regards

Ayaz

You critique was very good because Ayaz as a good writer could see the value of critique and overlook what some might consider offensive. Your critique certainly was very informative, constructive, and unoffensive.
I'm only using this line as an example for suggestions through out your critique if you will;

Stanza 1 , L2 : the last word-'that' could be omitted, it seems over used in the same sentence.
maybe something softer like in Stanza 1, L2: the word "that" may only be needed once to make the beauty of the sentence stand out because... .:)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Firstly I found your poem very emotive. I was really able to identify your feelings and I was able to relate to them.
I think that this is a wonderful poem. I agree with most of the above comments and I think you should consider all of the ideas that have been brought forward.

Here are some minor alterations for your consideration:

St 1, L's 1+2:

If tears say that you are not here with me
And curse me for the uneasiness that

St 3, L 1:

I cannot undo the days like a machine

St 3, L 5:

And I die in a new shroud around them

St 3, L 6:

These words are not in the guise of vent

St 3, L 10:

You know the story is for us and not for others

Kind Regards,

Joel

Kind of hard to follow up on all the good ideas already given isn't it? lol But it is always a good idea to give examples of specific changes as you have done here. I expect if you had gotten here sooner you would have also pointed out other things already covered. Good job!............stan

Yes it is hard to follow up after so many great ideas. I did have more ideas but yes they were all already mentioned and I think even some of the ideas I did post were already mentioned too!

It's the first proper critique I have ever given to anyone so thank you for your support.

Joel

Thank you so much, Joel, for this kind advice. Some of your suggestions are same as others’, but in the 4th one you suggest me to delete “look”, right? But I want to ‘address the person’ or ‘attract the attention of the person’ I am talking to by incorporating ‘look’, hope you understand.
Your last suggestion is JUST CONTRARY to what I say is my intended expression. Here the story is NOT for us but it is ours.
But I thank you very much for your time, Joel.
Regards
Ayaz

Hi Ayaz,

Thank you for your feedback on my comments. I totally understand where you are coming from.

It was hard to give any more suggestions because they had already been taken, but I hope that my comments have helped in some way. It was the first critique I have done so I am learning how to do this.

Many thanks,

Joel

I can say I enjoyed this critique. Scribbler said it already so many good critiques to follow. you did well just as all the others have.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I like what you've done here and the fact of porviding a stanza, to show the rymthm of it is excellent.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Dear Joe, nice to hear from you and I welcome your comment but
it is really difficult for me to change the body of my poem.

Regards

Ayaz

A very succinct summation with a following specific alternative. As expected it is I who am learning from all of you.Thanks to all..............stan

I found that the poem is conveying strong feelings, But the use of so much imagery is confusing, I feel that you must show an image then let the reader create they're own picture's in the screen of they're brain. Sort of making them use they're own imagination.
I hpoe you can see what i'm saying, too much imagery detract from the point of the story we are trying to convey.
I hope this helped my friend.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

First of all let me thank you for what you are doing for your poet-friends. This is really an extraordinary step you have taken towards the general interest of everyone who writes.

Now, come to business.

Let me see what you are saying, Eddie. Okay, I feel your suggestion is good, but working on it requires a huge amount of patience and perseverance, which I reckon as a verse-writer I lack, but I shall try.

I don’t know why I see that your suggestion is very very different from others’ and I wish others to not copy you. Because it is really difficult to make this poem smaller in size, reduce the extent of thought, and decrease the degree and intensity of feeling shown in imagery.

I respect your suggestions, time and counsel, my friend.

Regards
Ayaz

I will have Stan re-write it and pm it to you then you look at his then with all the suggestion I ask that you make am attempt at it,. I feel with a re-write this can be something impactful as you have tryed to do. Let me say this I also write poetry in Spanish., but I find that the a lot is lost in the translation. spainsh is a passionet language and hard to convey the thoughts into english. I ask as I have over the year to give it an attempt you will find it rewarding and satisfing.

thank you
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I am very aware that I am not an expert on all different forms and types of poetry. So I hope you make allowances for my shortcomings. I agree with all above as to the potential for this to become an excellent poem. I also think it could be improved by parring down some of the lines and making a few changes in wording. I will not give specifics yet, though. I will await seeing what you do with suggestions already given. I know how well you are capable of writing and look forward to seeing your changes which will likely nullify any suggestions I have in mind................stan

Reading your comment I feel that there are a lot many things you are going to suggest and also I am ready as long as they are not going to tire me nor divert my intention (change the meaning of my poem).
Now let me see what edifying information you are going to provide me.
Thank you so much, Stan.
Regards
Ayaz

when you have made your changes please PM me the revision
thank you
in the end it must be yours
we write for other to read, it is important to be able to paint the pictures in the colors that all eyes can see.

Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Avery honest statement of your not being able to understand the author's intent. I know when I receive such feed back, it always gives me pause to wonder in what manner I have failed in writing......Will be interesting to see what Joe has to say in this instance............stan

Rosi my love you can leave your comment and pm your version to the poet so they can comment on it. I truly want you to say what you feel humble or not your honesty will always help weather they accept or not. It is only your opinion it is not concrete my love.
I think that expressing your true feeling is always the best way to go, because if we do not say what we feel, how will they know. Remember that it is your truth of the write.
Their picture were not clear to you. For me if everyone can not understand what I wrote, then I failed in conveying the story to them

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I am so sorry I didn't realise that I am posting the entire poem on the stream while writing my comment. And also if I changed the intent of the write in anyway.

Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Nobody Should ever expect all suggestions to be used. But this should not keep you from giving the. It only takes 1 right suggestion to sometimes turn a good poem into excellent...........stan

I think that the fact that you explained why you were making suggestions, was very helpful . Also wad good that you informed Joe of what you liked, that makes a construcive crit.

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I have felt that way many a times and still do today. the training I got here has helped me lot.
I know I sound like a know it all expert, but I am far from it. I am still learning how to critique and hope to get better at it myself. I speak from my experience of critique and how it make me feel as well as how much I understand what the critiques are trying to tell me.
i wish you all the best as we learn together.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

The poem beautifully expresses the perspective of an old carnivore. I imagined that I am an old tigress while reading the poem. The use of appropriate words convey the strength and ferocity of the animal. The reader gets the clear picture that the old animal is in captivity. The animal knows that it is weaker than before, but at the same time it is still capable to fend off any attack on it. I could completely relate to each word as I read it. The logic is very clear.

However, there are a few things I wish to discuss.

Firstly, I wish to know if the structure of the poem follows a pattern. For example- Stanza 1 and stanza 2 have 3 lines each, while stanza 3 has 5 lines and stanza 6 has 7 lines.

Secondly, if we read stanza 3, the L1 says 'I'm easy to find' and hence it conveys a weakness. The next line says 'my will is strong' which is a strength. The two lines would balance better if they are read as

I'm easy to find
but my will is strong

Another thing, the line 4 of stanza 3 and line 2 of stanza 1 seem repetitive.

May I offer an alternate version of the same poem, only by rearranging the lines a bit and not changing the meaning of the poem at all:

I pace my cage from side to side
I've lost my speed
my agility is gone
my reactions slow to come
my wounds festering

I smell of death
I'm easy to find
but my will is strong
I am ruthless and cunning
and to stay alive
I strike

My teeth are sharper
than razor's edge
with no mercy I tear the flesh
sink deep through bone and sinew
to the soul and won't let go
until I know I'm safe again.

In this version, the first stanza tells the reader that the animal has grown old and weaker than before and his faculties are compromised. The second stanza conveys the will of the animal and the fact that it is still capable of defending an attack and the third stanza indicate the ferocity of the attack which is the same as it was when the animal was young and stronger.

This is the first poem that I have read which is about animals. I learnt a lot of things in this write. Thank you Geremia (Joe). My poems have so far been based on human feelings and emotions. It was a pleasure to read your work.

Regards
Samaira.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

All valid questions. And I have often thought that showing suggested changes in a total recopy of poem with suggestions made is about all a writer could ask for. ...............stan

I just noticed that I made a typo in my comment above. I wrote 'Stanza 6' instead of 'Stanza 4' in the first observation.

Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

I think you have good approach , it is very detailed and asks some relivent and useful questions.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

It is good to learn from such good writers here.

Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Your critique was very refreshing and I thought your rewritten version helps the writer to see clearly what you see in his work. Very constructive and very encouraging critique. the tone of the critique was well balanced and constructive.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Your all doing fine, and I see with each poem your comments are more unsworn
I just hope that at the end we would have learned together

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

should always feel free to give suggestions. The writer is not obligated to take any that he/she does not feel in keeping with poem

I am cognizant of the fact that I am not a skilled verse writer, and there is no question of being a professional critic, and hence I request you to excuse me for my shortcomings.

This poem is a Modern Free Verse Form which does not go with any specific rhyme, regular metrical feet or musical pattern, but I can see that it entails all that is required to form a free verse poem. T. S. Eliot once said that "No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job." But let me say that this is a good job, otherwise I (we) wouldn’t understand and applaud Whitman, Emily Dickinson, Matthew Arnold and Robert Louis Belford Stevenson.

Here in this case I see what Joe is trying to convey, but I am unable to make out which animal his poetic binoculars are trained on to deliver his implication, hummmm…perhaps some animal from feline family, right? But it should be clear with some more of its traits if you don’t take its name for art’s sake.
I reckon this poem is very short and its protagonist should have said something more, I cannot say that this is intentionally done to incorporate succinctness, since there is no concision either.
But let me tell you that this poem has inspired me a lot…in so much that I composed two stanzas, but with rhyme scheme.

"And there I creep stealthily
My whiskers sense my way
My paws - soft as cotton balls
My territory where I spray.

By nature I am carnivorous
But at times like you I flood
I don’t know if you might know
I love milk more than blood."..............Ayaz Warith

Thank you so much for sharing this piece, Joe.

Regards

Ayaz

I feel considering, accepting, confessing our limitations are a valuable quality I find very beneficial.. Your critique was very good because it expressed everything you saw dear in writer's poetry. I often get inspired to write stanzas and even whole poems from the inspiration i get from the writing of others also.

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To be weak and sick, while others think they can prey on you because of it.
What they do not see is your will to live, and you will still protected yourself
Of any attack that might come your way. When it does, it is they who will pay
with their own lives.
I find because I knew you it was clear to me what you're conveying here.
I think though that the poem to others is open to interpretation, I also believe that the beast in this
Is different to the individual who reads it, because we all have are own beast that protects us when
we are vulnerable.
I think with a little clarity in one or two of the stanza your point can come across stronger and give the poem
greater impact to its message that the protagonist is a survivor

Good job Joe in penning your inner feeling!
Eddie C

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IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
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author comment

:)

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To critique a poem does not mean that you will try and change the jest of the poem,
but rather to explain how you think by changing something in it
the poem might deliver it's message,
that in your opinion will help others see it,
and understand where the writer was going.
We can not change a poems center because it is the poets story.
We only in our critique try to enhance what we have seen.
In our comment we hope that the writer sees what we have tried to convey.
This is in turn as important as the poem. How can the writer accept our critique if we're not clear,
Moreover some poems have loads of hidden meaning that we might not see at first glance.
So I am of the habit of reading poems a few times,
then looking at what was being expressed in the poems metaphors.
That is just the way I approach a write.

Eddie
I hope this help.

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:)

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I think that you made some valid points, but I feel that you did'nt need to refer to so many famous poets, this caused you to ramble a little, you need to be a little more to the point i feel. But in general I felt it was a helpful critique.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou, I truly wish him (Joe) to stand in the line of Whitman, Emily Dickinson, Matthew Arnold and Robert Louis Stevenson, and his poem reminded me of those of these English dignitaries and that is why I mentioned their names.

Thanks Lou

Ayaz

i understand that, just felt that it would be more helpful for the person you are critiquing if you stuck more closely to what they could do to improve the poem, rarher than what their style is like.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

:)

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All good suggestions and to put them in a rewrite makes for easy comparison.............stan

All your suggestions are perfectly valid, but i've learnt to my cost recently, that some people don't like it when someone re-writes there poem, no matter how slightly. It is safer to just list your suggestions.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

No need to take offence I am just doing what has been asked me as a volunteer on this workshop, it was just a suggestion, if you don't agree that's fine.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

lou I expect that there are some who would take offense at a rewrite, but I doubt those who would do so are not likely to be found in a workshop. And Rose, lou was only relating an experience she has had, not condemning your rewrite...............stan

I really didn't mean to offend you I was only relating an experience ive had with a few people, it was not meant as an insult, I just thought I was being helpful.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I had the best of intentions, I was not hinting that Sam was offended. I merely tried to do what i'm supposed to do, as a volunteer on this work shop, which is help.

I am sorry that there was a misunderstanding.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I appreciate both lines of thoughts & I am not offended at all. I understand that this workshop is about learning and looking at the same poem with different perspectives. I guess that some people might not appreciate when others rewrite their poem but I am very open to suggestions as I believe that I have a lot to learn. At the end, it will be the writer's decision but it is good to have suggestions from other writers. So thanks Rosi, I will wait for a few more hours for others to comment and then I will look at my poem again.
Cheers
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Don't do anything to your poem until all comments are in
Thanks Sam

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Glad we sorted everything out hon,

Much love

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou was just making a general assessment from her experience she was not suggesting you were wrong. There is not a double standard , the people in charge of the site do not subscribe to either. There are many opinions here, but none are nessarily "the standard". I think that you voiced your opinion of the poem and that was all that I asked. I am glad that you have opened your mind to be honest in what you feel about the poem. I just ask now to please not take anything in this pool as an attack. We are all (participants and moderators working as a team. Rosi you're doing a great job opening up to new idea. So let's not revert to the thing that almost start a civil war. Just keep going the way you are, and I thank you for your incredible afford.

Your bud Eddie

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I am glad, because you are truly doing a bang up job understating what this pool is about and I commend you for that.
Eddie

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Many thanks for the constructive critique on my poem. I read your version carefully, and I decided to make some amendments in my write. I will change the L3 and 4 as per your suggestion- they read better in your version. Also for L11 and 12, I will replace 'I' with 'you' as you indicate. And for the last line, I will reword it.

Best regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

You are one beautiful soul Rosie... (may I call you by this name?)
Ofcourse you have helped me to improve.

Much love
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

"descriptions a little awkward" maybe this could be expressed more positively said with a softer tone such as " i feel the description would flow even better if it reads this way. just my suggestion

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I really enjoyed reading both "Animals" and "You, My Love"

I don't think I can really add any more advice than what has already been mentioned before me.

Well done to both of you for good writes!!

Joel

The bad thing about the word "critique" is that it tends to make people think it is all about criticism. It can also be to tell a writer about specific reasons a person likes a poem..............stan

You say you like them both, can you explain why you like Samaira poem?
Stan is right maybe through your comment the poet has found their style of writing and does not even realize it
That in this type of poem is where we can hear the poets voice. But how is the poet to know,
Should the poet think, it feel good when I write this way or should it be that the poet says to themselves they understood me clearly? That's why we tell the poet what we thought of their write.
We are how the poet gauges if they're reaching our mind and emotions.
So look at the poem again please and explain why you like it?

Eddie C.

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when all the good suggestions has been said expressing positive feedback is a wonderful way to add to the writers constructive view of the writing. here you have done that superbly

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Shall I wait for all the participants to give comments?
Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Yes, going ahead and begin to ask question of the critiques
Eddie

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A sad, poignant, poem of loss and failure of faculties. A brave attempt to see life through the eyes of an old widow as she remembers her husband. I would change the poem by dropping the fourth stanza, which is superfluous as far as I can see.
Regards

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

when you say superfluous, in what context

thanks Ian
Eddie

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I am happy that the poem was able to convey the context. I would really appreciate if you tell me why you find the fourth stanza superfluous. Is it because it seems like a cliché? or is it too general? I rarely use complicated words in my poems so I probably would need a deeper insight from you on this.

Thanks and regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Sam, I got to the fourth stanza and stopped . It was over-indulgent in misery, the poor old girl was just beyond believability. Then I realised that if this stanza was removed, it changed nothing in the poem, but lifted the list of ailments to a more manageable scale.
Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

Please read and comment on Xena (Rosi) poem I PM you, your poem is up after Rosi's

thank you!
Eddie

PS. Please try and elaborate on the things that you think makes the poem work, or do not work for you, like tempo, grammar, or context. also if the imagery and metaphors paint the picture clearly

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Weii, I'm glad that's sorted. You were probably at a protective stance and I don't blame you at all. But it has made my day that we are still pals

Love

Ian xxxx

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

often less IS more.............stan

the line here; . "I would change the poem by dropping the fourth stanza, which is superfluous as far as I can see."
when words like "superfluous " is use I tend to look the word up to get the full meaning of why you want the writer to drop the last stanza. Some may just overlook that part if the words is not a word they have full knowledge of. Also dropping whole stanza at least for me makes me feel I must change the whole poem and I tend to let it stay, not because i may disagree with what is said, but because i don't feel like rewriting the whole meaning i had in mind. I hope this helps.

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Sam, this is just a beautiful poem and see what Stan has pointed out, some technical things are to be taken care of......the rest if just great.......from my side "WELL DONE"

Regards

Ayaz

Please explain what of the poem makes it beautiful and great to you?

thank you,
Eddie

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IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
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author comment

Thanks for the appreciation. You are very good at writing emotions in your poems so your comment really boosts my spirit.

:-)

Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

As Eddie has said, giving a picture of what about the poem makes it a beautiful poem is heartwarming. Example a poet here described my latest poem and "giving a feel of ripples in the ocean when a pebble has been dropped" stood out to me and is still with me making a vivid picture in my mind and heart as to why the poem is beautiful. I hope this helps you

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these are the things that I saw in this poem.The reflection on the years of loneliness. now the protagonist reaches their end, and is hoping to be with their love one again. I found that some of it was off tempo and not conveying the love that was carried for so many years. I do love, what you do convey over all.
this is just my opinion. it's your poem in the end. but I feel the poem must carry you to it's end without word hitches. and the end should be the culmination of the whole poem.

You, my Love
By Samaira

As I take my last steps
before my final rest - (I changed it for tempo)
I see and reflect - (here less words & still clear)
on what you meant to me

Through my faulty ears
I can hear you say:
"you still look beautiful
with your lovely grey"- (again tempo Grey covers it).
(Also she hears his voice in her head, so that's why the quotation marks)

Years have gone by
since you left me here alone
Of all the things that remain with me
I cherish your memories the most - ("like" seems weak for Love)

Eddie C.

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author comment

A lovely write of enduring love. I've a few alternative for you to consider :
l-1 change last to 2 syllable word such as final,ending,dying, ect. to help flow
l-5 try through my cloudy cataract
l-6 insert still after I again to help flow
l-8 change old to 2 syllable word such as aging flow again
l-13 use of word Parkinsonism might be rethought
l-17 start line with "so many"
I am confident you can come up with even better ways to accomplish these changes and give these only as examples...............stan

Thanks to both of you. I reconsidered the poem with the inclusion of some of the changes that you have suggested and I am happily surprised that the poem indeed reads better now. I will PM the revised version to Eddie very soon. It would have been nice to hear from Joel (poetree) and Geremia as well. It is always good to know the perspective of all the people in the workshop.

Nevertheless, I wish to thank all the participants for their very constructive feedback.

Cheers
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

:)

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Dearest Samaira,
this is the most beautiful poem I read today and the whole thing brought tears to my eyes…I can see that Stan has done what was to be done, and apart from that I don’t feel like critiquing unnecessarily since there is no serious violation of anything, nor do I want to contravene her thoughts, nor to infringe on her personal views. So there is no question of critiquing this beautiful poem.
I appreciate her efforts and love this poem.
Thanks for sharing, Sam
Regards
Ayaz

Again why do you love the poem what is it in the poem that evokes that emotion.
Critique is not just whats wrong but what the reader finds right in it. your comment is vague.
nothing for Sam to understand why you feel this way about it.

thank you!
Eddie

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IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
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Eddie,
I love this poem because it is a lovely recollection by an old widow or a woman who does not have her husband in her ripe old age. Her entreaty (which is not like any common request) in her poem depicts how strong her love is even in this brittle old age, and I wish my love would say the same thing I have read in her poem but in my presence and not after I am gone. And ultimately, what else will I pine for in my old age? Hence I love this poem so much.
I overlook teeny-weeny things for its intrinsic beauty.
Regards
Ayaz

Beautiful portrait of why you love this poem. could not ask for better

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Dearest Rosina,
this poem is sweet, written in somebody’s sweet memory, but unlike Samaira’s poem on love ‘You, My Love’ (which really influenced me a lot and cast a very deep impact on my life), this doesn’t portray acute melancholy nor agony. I like this poem for its light crafting and simplicity and not ostentatious and pretentious wording, and Rosina, you never do this. This is great, friend, but there are certain things that, I think, should be taken care of, like,
Stanza 5, L 17 is too long and it poses difficulty to say what is intended, so I think “You would say “We’re oceans apart” sounds shorter than what is there is the original line.
Stanza 5, L 18, I don’t think “and” is making extra sense to this line, and instead elongates this line unnecessarily.
Same is the case with Stanza 6, L 23. It is dragging me out of an arranged metre (pattern of rhythm) in this line. So I think, Rosina, you can shorten this, if you think it merits this poem.
The rest is just fine in so far my knowledge goes and I really appreciate your effort, Rosina.
Thanks a lot for sharing this lovely piece.
Regards
Ayaz

I'm sorry, Rosie , but I keep on sending these critiques to some post box in the sky, where they disappear into the ether.
I liked your poem as I found it intriguing - why did they part?The visualisation I had of the girl on the cliff fwent a bit wonky when she "tossed" a stone into the sea which then skimmed. A really minor thing but I thought it could be amended by "At water's edge I throw a stone
It skims the surface making tiny waves."

I hope that is some help, The rhythm is a bit disjointed in places but easily fixed - read it out loud and you will find out where , nothing serious, a good write

Love

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

please be so kind as to point to where "The rhythm is a bit disjointed" specifically.
we're only trying to help the poet by pointing directly to what we see in our view of the poem,
the poet decide's what to use and what not to. but we must be clear.
thank you!

Eddie

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author comment

I think that your critique, provides some useful suggestions, and good explanations for why that is your opinion.

much improved .

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I like the fact that you are clear in your view of the poem. your suggestion are good and honest. Respect to you my friend. Now you have captured what I've been saying all along. I am truly happy. Still it is in the eye of the poet at the end. A very good critique from your view.

Eddie C.

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Dear Eddie,
I am more than happy to know you appreciate my effort and do not rebuke me or the people like me who are no more than novices and this shows how generous you have been, not because you know more than anyone else does and even if you do know more than others, your attempts and intentions are purely selfless and meant only to teach people like me. I liked how you asked me to be clear in my critique though you know I am not that good at critiquing and pointing out differences and subtleties, but your comments helped me do all that seemed difficult for me. I respect the way you teach me (and others) with your literary sword totally sheathed and that you don’t brandish in any case.
I must acknowledge that I have learnt many things from you people and I really owe my improvement to you; and ultimately I am satisfied to realize that I am refining.
Thank you so much, Eddie.
Respects to you too, my friend.
Ayaz

A very well thought out critique...............stan

Thank you so much, Stan, I realize I am improving my talent of writing verses and critiquing poems with kind help from people like you, I am trying to learn and I can only learn from people whose intentions are just teaching and I am proud to say that your guidance has helped me a lot, and what else do I wish for in here on Neopoet, Stan?
Regards
Ayaz

I think all here, including myself, are beginning to realize that being able to spot and articulate shortcomings in other people's works make it easier to do the same in our own writing. This 2 way street can not help but benefit all.............stan

In my opinion, the words in the poem are coming from a mature and sensible lady who has accepted the fact that she cannot unite with her love. This poem also conveys the strength she has, for she knows that her love won't return, but she is contented with his thoughts and dreams where she sees her as his wife. To me, the structure of the poem seems alright., I don't have any structural changes to suggest. However, there are a few things I wish to say:

Stanza 3, L3 : 'I go over and over your parting words'- even after reading the poem, I am unable to figure out what the parting words were about? were they about a lack of future together? Why does the future fill with dread (next line) when the parting words are brought in context? There is a line later (stanza5, L1) that says 'You used to say "We're just an ocean apart"' Does this give some kind of hope to the lady? Did the man suggest that they will meet?

Stanza 4, L2 : Again the words 'now my love we can never be' seem ambiguous because I am still unable to know if the parting words were a promise to return or were they a blunt end to the relationship. The use of 'now' confused me a bit.
Stanza 4, L4 : When I read the poem for the first time, this line somehow conveyed to me that the person drowned and died in the ocean.

Stanza 5, L4 : 'romance can never begin' I believe the romance had already begun.

Stanza 6, L4 : The words 'husband' and 'wife' already indicate a matrimonial alliance. The use of the word 'matrimony' again seems redundant.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys the feelings of the affected heart. There were only a few lines which made me read them again to grasp the intended meaning. I found the poem to flow very smoothly.
This was yet another emotional piece from you Rosie. Thank you very much for this.

And again, I know that you know the critique was just my opinion, and you don't have to make changes unless you feel that the suggestions are justified.

Thanks and regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Your becoming an old hand at this, I am proud of you. I hope that you realize that when you critique like this, it sharpens your own perception when you write. So good for you, a very good critique.

Eddie C.

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author comment

Yes indeed I realised that this workshop has sharpened my perception about writing. I can easily compare myself before and during this workshop. I feel that I have started on my very first steps towards a great writing journey.
Thanks to everybody on this website, and especially my dear Splash pool swimmers. Wouldn't have been possible without you all.

Best regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

OK, admit that you do this for a living LOL. By the time it comes my turn, everybody has already covered my concerns. I think this is great as is your feed back..............stan

LOL
Stan, this is the best line of the day for me. I am not even remotely associated with literature and writing but your words made me smile. Thank you.

As I already said before, this workshop has sharpened my own perception and I hope to include it in my future work.

Many thanks and best regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

I can't really add anything else except to say, you seem to be getting the hang of, how to crituque.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

This was exactly what I wanted to learn in the workshop. I am glad I have evolved a bit. But there is still a long way to go. Thank you for your encouraging words.

Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Please do not make chages to your poem until "ALL" the critiques are in.
Thank you Love.
Eddie

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author comment

That's my girl!
thank you Darling
Eddie

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Please when you are done with your re-visions, please PM it to me.
I have asked Samaira, to post her re-vision after I read it. Now it is in the hands of the site.
Please remember that the site is a plethora of opinions, so please don't be discourged.

Eddie

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I am sorry for having been gone today. Up to my neck in AEC business. Will review and comment on recent stuff tomorrow..................stan

I found to many past present terms that conflicted with each other

Stanza ! L 2 memories- past
Same stanza L3 We have - Prensent

the next two stanza make me believe the person sailed away on a ship, it's just the reference to the sea.
then in stanza 4 it sounds like your waiting for your loves return, but the sea takes him as if his ship sunk also sinking you too. Is he a saiior it's unclear?

the last two lines are kind of cliche, for me it's a let down. I know how you write, the feeling of lost and a possible future of love do not seem to come through for me.
I know this is not your voice in this write, but i feel you can pull the tears out of me, in a re-write because the keys to the heart strings are there, just play them as only you know how.

Eddie.

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author comment

I like this poem because it expresses the memory of a love that never bonded, but the memories they did share is remembered and cherished. My question at this point is in these two lines;
"I think of the life we have ahead
and oceans of love seep within."

then in these lines;
"Still, I look and curse the water
the deep took you away from me."

In the first two lines above I get the feel that the person you speak of is alive. Then in the next two lines I see he has died. getting the feel of suicide.

I like the poem a lot because it expresses memories of a lost love that is cherished and cared for in your heart.

PS thanks to the patient of Eddie I am finally on board here.

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you,ve made it, I'll call the search party back in.
I am happy to see you my friend!

Eddie

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author comment

we're on a fourth Page, amazing!

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author comment

Great poem I enjoyed reading it

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I like this poem it. One thing I would like to see is a little more description of who The Handsome one is. You described well the love between the two of your before his death. and that is great.

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I Identify with the sense of lonliness in this one, and I feel that the poem flows quite well. Aceept for line in the fith Stanza line three ' Even now, I stand here waiting,' to me it needs a little tweek, i think that it would aid the flow if you said something like 'Even now, I scan the horizon,' of course this is only a suggestion, feel free to ignore it.

Really liked the poem, heart renchingly romantic.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

LOL !! you know me i'm the master of the under statement, when I say a little tweak i a mean huge hehe

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I really like the sense of loss and longing. A few things you might consider. I wrote these down when poem 1st appeared so some might be repeats:
s-1,l-1 change cliff to shore(can't skip stones from a cliff late)
.......l-3 change have to had(can't have a life with a dead person
s-3,l-3 need an adjective in front of parting(cold,warm,heated,whatever you think best describes it)
s-4,l-1 lose the parentheses
......l-3 what type water?(cold,gray,silent,....)
last line try something like : joined as one in matrimony.....maintains rhyme without redundancy
I am sure you can use some of these and other suggestions to come up with an edited version you will be pleased with.............stan

Always glad to lend my limited help..........stan

You guys are great and I can see the change in everyone!
thanks

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VIVIAN GREENE

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Wow what a story. I was engrossed in this poem eagerly waiting to get to the next stanza. The only suggestion I have is in this line
"I tried to hide from killer, "
it may flow better if you said from the killer. I tried to hide from killer seems to stop short of a perfect flow.
I enjoyed reading this story.
It seems to me that the skipper, which is you and the old man the killer are ghosts sailing the ship alone.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Thanks for the detailed critique, Rosina, your suggestions all make sense if this had been a free verse poem, but because it is structured it needs the extra syllables to maintain the rhythm. You were also right to pick out stanza 6 line 1 as being clumsy, I'm trying to find a replacement. The other suggestions are as good as the original but may not add to it, however I'll see when all the crits are in and I am recuperating from the literati's booting of my backside.
Glad you enjoyed it .

Ian xxx

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

I know there are many forms where vowel count is important. If this is such maybe you could tell us what form and what count...........................stan

Its all just a case of reading it out loud and keeping to the rhythm. Don't count vowels but keep to the beat you've established at the start, the old "di dum di dum " stuff.

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

Rosina,

try this for syllable counting:

http://www.howmanysyllables.com/hms/words/

love,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

I remember toiling a bit with this line. I will change it , but its not just a case of adding "the" as it gains a syllable that way. I'll need to think about it ... Thanks for enjoying it .

ps I think of it as "Pirates of the Caribbean meet the Flying Dutchman"

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

I really enjoyed reading the poem. It was an unusual poem in the sense that it was serious and funny at the same time. Ian has this exceptional writing talent that conveys thoughts effortlessly. I have no structural changes to suggest, nor any word replacements. It feels good to read something with no apparent grammatical error or even a typo :-)

As I could grasp in the poem- there are three people who stole the yacht of an old couple whom they have to get rid of. But the old man fights back and kills them all. I think that the old man died as well. Now the ghosts of the two are sailing in want of the old lady (lady ghost). The poem flowed very smoothly and then suddenly there came a sentence that amused me the most. 'I'm skipper now, for life' The dead man is a skipper for 'life'. I loved it.

The only things I can suggest is a reduction in the number of dots in the last line, and changing the L1 in Stanza6 'I tried to hide from killer' sounds a bit odd. I read your response to Barbara's comment and I think you are the best judge of what to amend to keep the syllable count same.

In Stanza3, L2, why the ( - ) at the end ?
Perhaps you could also tell me one general thing. I noticed in your poem that all lines begin with capital letters. Does capitalisation of alphabets mean a new sentence? I see that some lines end with a ( , ) and still the next one begins with a capital letter. Maybe it is just my lack of knowledge so I thought that you are the right person to clarify my doubt.

Well written and appreciated. Thanks Ian for this lovely piece.

Regards
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Storyline; Old couple have yacht with three crewmen. The cew intend to steal the yacht and leave the old couple stranded in a lifeboat. The plan goes wrong when the old man has a gun, leading to being beaten up by the crew. Now the crew are guilty of assault as well as theft, so the old couple must "disappear". They are turned loose in a lifeboat which is damaged by the crew so that it will sink and the old couple wil drown. The crew sail the yacht to a desert island but have been followed by the drowned old man who is slowly rotting away, he kills two of the crew on deck and the narrator is left alone with the old man, condemned to sail the seas with the zombie - like rotting corpse of the old man.
I believe there is a convention in classical western poetry to start every line with a capital letter

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

I found it interesting that it all sounded like a Limerick without, the five lines or the open sentence "there once was a man who killed..."
it carried very well, even though the story was a violent one. There was a softness to it. Truly I don't see a re-write for this and your grammar is good in the context of the rhythm.
Well done!
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I wrote these suggestions as soon as poem came up.So some of this may be repeats or not work but here goes:
S-1,l-4 line seems too short.Maybe something like: the place of which we all had dreamed
S-2,l-1 maybe "....plans made from the start" unless plans were spur of the moment
.....l-4 insert then after but( gives better feel of sudden change in plans)
s-3,l-4 sprung? sprang? just check to see which is correct
s-4,l-4 change in to to
s-5,l-4 change were to then
s-7,l-1 change place to occurred for flow

A spooky visit aboard a Flying Dutchman...................stan

I felt that your critique was detailed and constructive.

Much improved.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I have deliberately not made any comments here, becasue I am not part of this workshop.
But, since Sunday is the workshop's last day, I wanted to say something.

Well done, all of you, well done.
Ed, you've done one hell of a job, leading this workshop, and as far as I'm concerned that leadership role is automatically yours for as long as you want to do it.

I've read everything that all of you have posted here, and I wish to tell you that if we could only have one reason why workshops are a good idea, your participation in this one is that reason. I have watched excellent criticism unfold before me here, criticsm that is inciteful, professional, honext and constructive, and I have seen some members who have never given a good criticsm before giving very very good ones now.

These workshops are designed to raise the level of criticism and professional discourse on our site. You members of the Splash Pool have proved their value beyond a shadow of doubt, as far as I'm concerned.

Well done, indeed.

With enormous respect,

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

let me be honest, I don't feel as if I lead anything, it was the free open minds to suggestions by the Moderators and participants.
I just listen and learned and tried to keep it in the vein of the workshop.

I do thank you for the offer, I will continue to do it with these great moderators for as long as life does not intrude.

Again, thank you for commenting on the "Splash Pool Page" for all to read. I'm not good with compliments when other are more deserving.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Eddie,

I see Jim has given you the job forever...he took the words right out of my month.

You had to battle with some technical issues at the beginning, some difficulties getting all participants to be active and some other issues. You took it all in your stride and even managed to run a very successful workshop.

I have visited the workshop everyday and can honestly say the participation, advice and rapport with everybody was most obvious. You all had fun as well as getting down to some hard work.

Great job Eddie, the Mods and the participants.

You have all helped make the whole workshop project a major success.

Kind regards,

HS

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http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

I appreciated you posting your comment here. All of that is good and fine, bur when do I get paid? Hahaha
It was a great pleasure to work with all these fine people. That's what made this rewarding experience, and as I said to Jim as long as life does not intrude I will continue. Hopefully the moderators will also stay on. What a great bunch of truly hard working people.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Eddie,

I told you in PM where we negotiating your salary and package and I promised you I would double your pay if you successfully managedyour first workshop...which you have done.

So I will make it public here so people can see I am a man of my word:

Current Package - Zero salary and no benefits
Double Package - Zero X 2 =.........?

LOL!

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

leaders and moderators SHOULD be paid what they're worth and you pay scale seems generous lol...............stan

I think your cheating yourself, that's just to much, I'll donate the difference to Neopoet. tax break Sweet! Hahaha!

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

You have done a fantastic job running the workshop.

Well done to everyone, you have all worked hard and improved so much.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

without you and everyone else it would not have been a success.
Thank You Buddy!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

This has been a great example of synergy where the results were greater than the sum of the individual efforts.Perhaps the greatest thanks should be directed to the participants whose presence and open mindedness made this possible....................thanks to all................stan

Before I submit my revised poem I would like to thank everyone involved in the Splashpool. I found it all invaluable, educational and entertaining. I would especially like to thank Ed for his encouragement to me and the others, so I dedicate "The Cruise" to "The Cruz" with many thanks.
Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

I humblily thank you from us all.
Please place your revised poem on the stream.also please be around today for the final act of Splash Pool. We are all going to do a Co-write and submitted it to the Stream one stanza per participant four lines freeform. On your exp. in Splash pool this will Include moderators also. We will do it on the fly, off the cuff.
Thank you so much!

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Awaiting co-write topic. Ayaz might be running out of daylight..............stan

Since I won't be able to access the internet for the rest of the day, may I please start the co-write out of my turn? I don't want to leave any activity of the workshop. Hope you guys will understand.

Splash Pool Experience.

The perfect place for me to start
To splash, to kick, to learn
Oh I'm so glad, much fun we had
The journey has just begun.

Love and regards to all
Sam.

Keep smiling, keep shining.

Thank you for everything,
Look for the finish produt on the Stream!

Eddie,Stan & lou

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Thank you for everything,
Look for the finish product on the Stream!

Eddie,Stan & lou

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Samaira & Rosi

Splash Pool Experience.

The perfect place for me to start
To splash, to kick, to learn
Oh I'm so glad, much fun we had
The journey has just begun.

Dipping in the pool was stimulating
Although unsure of getting wet
However, an exhilarating experience
One, I won’t easily forget.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Those helpful hints, without reserve,
Our stanzas improved flow,
Though Eddie wants no special praise
Stand up and take a bow !!

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

If rosi is going next when do you want me ton write my stanza ?

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I guess you must wait on Tam then I will wait on you...............stan

Worked as a group
Each helping the other,
A fabulous team,
All equal one and all.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

It seems the sum of all our work
exceeded all the parts
result from refusing to shirk
by both the young and the old farts

a true community of poets, young and older
came together to refine each other
team effort, equality, and experiences
made the Splash Pool workshop excel

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Now we'll await Eddie's stanza and combine all to see how it comes together

A union of minds
Thoughts sparkling 
Like the sun on a splash  pool
Creating unforgettable rhymes  

Guys this was a pleasure for me to work with all your great minds
Eddie
PS Where"s Ayaz? We have to wait a little longer for his turn
We will wait till 7:30 tonight. Eastern standard time

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I leave it to you guys my editors, to put this together as you see fit and post it on the stream
Thanks guys you were great!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I'm on my IPhone so I can't do much, I"ll be on my computer tonight at around midnight

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

One more thing, if you need to get in touch Lou as my skype text name.
See you later, or not

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

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