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A ZOLA NOVEL : updated

Submitted by Geremia on Sat, 2012-05-12 17:00

INDIFFERENCE

my voice is still.
my words echo empty
and meaningless.
my heart has learned
indifference
my soul no longer cares
and I am lost
in my own wondering
of who I am.

Useless twists and turns
of the tongue
speaking my identity.
I am a Zola novel
my destiny like a clock
set genetically
I am what I was meant to be:
I am my mother's child.
I am my father's son.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-05-12 17:53

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this could be mistaken for adolescent angst, apart from the last two lines, which strike me as pre-determinist, even weak.

You strike a strong chord, but I feel it lacks content,
respectfully,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-05-14 06:01

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small changes bring the depth and meaning across more powerfully.

genetcaly genetically

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geremia

Mon, 2012-05-14 07:51

Geremia's picture

Always take your comments seriouslly. Last 2 ines: child vs son. They r different relationshipd.

I had been working on family geneaolgy since 1985. Only trcent DNA studies helped me break thru the paternal side which is illegitmate and real faily name. ALL THINGS PUT TOGRTHER I see the validity of a certain genetic dterminism. Tjhis also gives valdity to last 2 lines,It works for me, not for everyone.

keep well,

joe

author comment

Geremia

Mon, 2012-05-14 07:52

Geremia's picture

Always take your comments seriouslly. Last 2 ines: child vs son. They r different relationshipd.

I had been working on family geneaolgy since 1985. Only trcent DNA studies helped me break thru the paternal side which is illegitmate and real faily name. ALL THINGS PUT TOGRTHER I see the validity of a certain genetic dterminism. Tjhis also gives valdity to last 2 lines,It works for me, not for everyone.

keep well,

joe

author comment

Esker

Mon, 2012-05-14 20:47

Esker's picture

like a lot of poems here I read
and t hen off somewhere
cleaning house
errands for family or errands
on the Schwinn

now back to see an altered
version of this poem
and the revised version has Ooomph!!

Some people want to break away from
their family....Like Puleez i ve had enough
and others for the true dimension of
What am I like....
I met my birth mom finally and we are alike
moody much dark depth and strong
minded

But I greatly like both poems now
seeing the changes and work done

Im Impressed!!!

Thank Y ou

Geremia

Tue, 2012-05-15 02:48

Geremia's picture

A good critque really works. Glad you liked bboth steve, Not writing much lately.

joe

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