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You're Not a god

Don't despise me fellow man for we
both wear the cloth of humanity.

We're both made up of dirty clay
that shall eventually decay.

I'm flesh and blood, I breathe the air
you breathe; we have much to share.

I grieve, and then my tears show
like yours, when your sorrows grow.

On my bed and yours shall be lying
the syndromes of aging and dying.

Or do you think you're better than I?
Order the sky then as not to cry.

Tell the flowers what colors to wear,
tell the birds what to sing and where,

make the sun rise if you can,
tell her where and when to span,

but you can't...
You're not better than I
for we're both humans and shall die,
so don't disdain me fellow man for we
both wear the skin of humanity.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Rula this is a brilliant poem! Love your line of reasoning and the rhythm and rhym is spot on.

My husband read it and agrees.

Love Mand xxxxxx

Here's something you both (you and hubby) agree upon. Glad to see it's not really an 'Opposite attraction' :-P

Cheers

you are right Nilmini.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

What can I say?
You've simply made my day :)

Thank you dear.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

This is the truth as it should be taught throughout the world, that we are all the same.
Thank you for this Truth and its presentation..
Lovely,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Appreciate your appreciation.
Still looking for any suggestions or thoughts.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I thought this was a wonderful piece there are some beautiful lines in this poem its a shame that the rest of humanity didn't think along the same lines.
There were a couple of places that felt a little stilted, read it out loud and you will see where I meen, I think the ending is a little weak it just didn't have the punch that the rest of the poem had, I will keep an eye on the edits and see what you do with this one I really took to it and enjoyed the read

hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks for reading and the invaluable thoughts.
I think I am not happy with the end very much either
I have already revised it even before getting any comment.
Many thanks again.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I like the idea in this as it's the simple truth every human being should understand. Some people look down upon the fellow mankind as if they're the Gods.
But I like the sound of your meaningful poem more. Your efforts to rhyme each line and to maintain the rhythm, have made it so enjoyable. In short, it's a my kind of poem.

I'd prefer if the 2nd line of the 4th stanza goes as "like yours, when your sorrows grow", instead of "like you, when your sorrows grow".

Cheers

~ Nilmini

Thank you dear for your kind visit. I'll keep your suggestion in my mind when I decide to edit.
I think I should find another ending too as Jayne thinks it a bit weak.
Many thanks for your kind dropping by.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

but I didn't like it because Adam messes with the meter.
Otherwise, I liked this one.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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were much like the first two, just with very slight difference. Do you suggest a re-change?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

May we All be saved from those who think they know what's best for us. Your poem could well be aimed at our present excuse for a president I think lol. I enjoyed the form and the message except stanza 5 which reads a bit awkward in my opinion. But you are the one to change it not I, because you are the one who knows exactly what you are trying to convey...................stan

Thanks for your patience and really sorry for not being active the last few weeks. It has been a busy month here. Hope the workshop would help me to decide what I need to change in this piece as for improvement especially the lines you've pointed out.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I like this piece very much. There are people out there who clings to hatred for the stupidest reasons. Its hard to reason with them because they don't want to listen. While we cannot control what they think of us, we can still control how to react to them.

To me, your poem is the voice of the people who have been wronged by them.Its a beautiful display of emotion.

Yours sincerely,
Alid

by the way Khalid is an Arabic name. Do you have any Arabic origins. I am from Palestine.
Back to the poem
I think I'm fortunate enough that I've never been wronged by anyone-Alhamdulilah, (thanks Allah) but still I know about many people around who are badly abused.
I am happy you've found something worthy here to read and enjoy.
Thanks for your visit.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

No. I am a malay. Most malays in singapore are muslims and we have adapted the Arabic names as a part of our identity and islamic culture.

You could experiment with layout here. This is my second read as I'm going through everything again with new eyes. Give that phrase it's own line perhaps. Maybe separate the last two. That sort of thing.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

for your second thoughts. Please let me know if it works this way.
I am happy you've pointed out that line. I thought it is a brilliant idea to separate that line to shed more light on the theme of the piece.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

The message you have brought out in this write is very true of the times we are living in, especially for those who have bloated egos and consider themselves larger than life. Besides, this also has sounds of indignation which resonate while one reads through. Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I have to say that your comments always intrigue me positively. I really appreciate your thoughtful reading and understanding of my and other's poetry as well.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

but the maker of clay
nature
you ordain as God
so ipso facto you have lived by my thinking
and
man created god
others dislike my vision though

loved

and thanks for your thoughts. I don't know why I used the word "dirty" for clay, but I always thought it is so.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
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