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YOU WILL FOREVER REMAIN IN MY MIND (March Contest)

Thou creature of a wizard,
Beautiful wench!
How you flick your wand
To bind the cosmic beings.

Men being a constellation
Scattered in the milky-way,
You bring to order our failings
Sticking friends and *fam to their loved.

What will I be without you old friend?
Who will run my errands overseas
And keep me company in pensive moods
When loneliness plough this mundane soul?

Oh my internet and my e-books!
My trusted ally and best friend
How you have grown weary of age!
You will forever remain in my mind.

Who will take your place?
Samsung? Apple or *Infinix?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Fam: Family, Infinix: An android phone trending in West Africa
Editing stage: 

Comments

nice poem, flick of the wand.

Reading a few times and finding the inner cadence of words, I see a problem in this stanza. The stanza itself is my favorite, strong statement- "man being a constellation scattered in the milky-way" is really good. But the last line breaks up the meter, I think has too many syllables:

Men being a constellation
Scattered in the milky-way,
You bring to order our failings
Connecting friends and family to their loved.

I don't know what Infinix is, but totally doesn't matter!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Edited and I dropped footnotes

Hommies

author comment

cool

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

POIFEKT!

Best wishes....val.

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