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You Were Gone So Long

If there was a sound,
if there was a slight breeze,
I did not notice.

If there was a familiar fragrance,
or a pleasing taste,
I was unaware.

For, mortal that I am,
what other sense could I endure
but the radiant sight of your return.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

too obscure. I feel like this is a part of a poem, not the whole thing. I love the premise of being just mortal and not being able to connect with another-worldly essence, but give us a clue, what is it?
~ Geez.
.

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Well...bummer! Hmm...I was trying to describe the moment someone experiences their lover's return after being away a long time. All senses (hearing, touching/feeling, smelling, tasting) would be mute compared to the sight (seeing) of their lover. I will rethink this.
Thanks for all your help!
L

author comment

the views of a couple of other readers to convince me of the fullness of this poem. After re-reading, [and seeing your explanation], I understand where this poem is going. I'm not sure where my head was and I am afraid that I didn't do your work justice this time. Am I forgiven? ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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all night or on the other side of the world.
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Nothing to forgive, my friend! To me, if it wasn't clear enough, then it may not be working, after all. It's certainly best to not have the need to explain, but instead have the aha! effect just from reading. The title was meant to be a major part of the poem, too. The poem seems to be on the fence, so I will think it through a bit more. I always, always appreciate your input!
Thank you!
L

author comment

that your title could be: [You Were Gone So Long]. Shorter. I really am contrite; it must have
been too early to be giving advice, I didn't fully understand the implications of the title. Duh... ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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Thank you for the title suggestion. I think it works much better.
L

author comment

hence views removed
sorry L

Hi, Lovedly!
Yes! You and Geezer are exactly correct - it is the ecstasy that is missing! Awesome help!
Thank you very much!
L

author comment

.

All good! I am pleased if it seems to work as is.
Thank you!
L

author comment

I have to disagree with my brother Gee. I think there is just enough bones to fil the body of the poem.

Loved it J x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

No no no the radiant in the last sentence gives me that sense of ecstasy. The beauty in this poem is the less is more principle. Just opinion of course.

J x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Radiant = sensual / visual ecstasy certainly was my intention. I hoped it would overwhelm any other mortal sense. I will ponder on this a bit, as I am a big fan of less is more, and, if all is good here, I shall leave it be. Thank you for reading and helping me!
Lavender

author comment

in her assessment of your poem. But Lavender, why would you flagellate yourself over the absence of--say Ecstasy? Your last line, "But the radiant sight of your return" is in itself a beautiful poem. It almost sounds operatic, even Wagnerian, as though the hero is being greeted by temptress Venus (or simply Lavender). Anyhow, that's my impression. Plenty of "Ecstasy" there, and I might steal that line and use it in one of my own poems! Jerry

>
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>Please visit my website: www.jerrykspoetry.com

You have given me a great boost about my final line which was to absolutely burst with ecstasy for certain. I definitely could learn a thing or two from Venus!
Thank you so much, Jerry!
L

author comment

Hello my dear lavender, I read this and thought it's her muse, and how Lovely too, but that's just my thought, your title could easy be (gone too long) I think it's beautifully penned and I also think that it's one of those poems where the reader really gets to imagine.

Thank you...Teddy

Not what I was going for, but still pretty satisfying to hear your interpretation of the poem. I'll think about the title - it seems therein lies the problem.
Thank you, Teddy!
L

author comment
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