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You need a lover who can set you free (Poets first poems)

You say you’re honest and made of razor-sharp truth.
You take pride in being the real thing, a man with hot blood in his veins.
You claim to be an open book, ready to be yourself
and no one other than your passionate fierce self.

You’ve got your arms like steel, ready to hold and embrace
the body of a goddess. But not her soul.
Steel is cold, and a goddess needs to be consumed in fire.
You’ve got your whispers like honey, confessions that can set a woman’s heart in flames.
You promise a whole new world of passion that can only be discovered in two.
But you can’t take it all the way to the end, your game of seduction is only halfway done.
No, your fire and your soul are dimmed in the mist of your masculine ego.
You’re like a raging ocean wave that suddenly breaks against the cliffs that have been there since the beginning of time.
These cliffs are the walls to your invisible cage.

There’s a universe inside you that a wild woman can invade,
what you need is an untamed soul to tame your self-pride.
A lover to melt together with, interweave and come out restored
to your unalterable wild nature, with your soul alive.
The goddess that can dishevel all your erroneous notions of truth,
compromise your long-cultivated, well-sustained character of a macho male
and protect the integrity of your spirit.
Set your heart on fire.

You claim to be an open book, ready to be yourself
and no one other than your passionate fierce self.
But darling, you have the real open book lying down right in front of you
telling the story of passion, ecstasy, abandon, trust and love.
And you cannot lay your guard down low enough to read it.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
The first poem that I ever wrote specifically with the intention of... writing a poem. 2 years ago.
Editing stage: 

Comments

this work could very easily be put into prose as a letter, or a prose poem. What is most important is that you approach the page without cliche, triteness, or vague imagery which "feels" poetic but is phony. This is certainly evident in my earliest poems, so I personally feel you were off to a good start.

It is clear that in the two years since you have taken the poetry vows you have understood the craft of words, images mostly the inner "music" that makes a poem a poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I never really knew what a prose poem should look/sound/flow like. Do you have any suggestions on that, or resources I could look into? Would love to maybe experiment with that.
And yes, to hear the music - that's what I feel has changed in my poetry, especially in the last year. I do hope you enjoyed this read.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

I'm not an academic, these ideas are my own. As I see it, poetry was very specific before the mid-nineteenth century- everything was in rhyme. That set the pace of the lines, and allowed the reader to read the line in relation to the rhyme, or just read right though it to the next line so that the rhyme became an internal aspect. Enter Whitman and Rimbaud- free verse and "prose poems" , a whole new approach.

It seems to me that blank (or free) verse, which is what you seem to be writing at this time, does demand an inner meter/pulse/music which creates the poem, gives the poem its inner life. To achieve this is no easy task. I do not feel that in this early work. The work is filled with good ideas and images, but can be written like this, in prose, and still work.

You say you’re honest and made of razor-sharp truth. You take pride in being the real thing, a man with hot blood in his veins. You claim to be an open book, ready to be yourself and no one other than your passionate fierce self.

In the other works you have posted we can see the development of the music, of the sound as in:

Let me touch you like a flowing river (pause)
so we may remember what it feels like (pause)
to be alive (pause)
I will dip my toes first
into your mind (pause)
play with it and splash the world
with the colours that result
from our togetherness (pause)
then (pause)
I will get familiar with your currents

This reads like a poem, the lines create their inner music.

As a poet just a few years into it, I would suggest that you occasionally write in rhyme. Try a sonnet or other form. This will help you in free verse, it's like learning scales to be able to play an instrument better. It will also help you get a little more color in your words to embroider the images you create.

It seems to me you are remarkably bi-lingual, you write as if English was a first language. I often use a thesaurus to help open my mind to possibilities of words. For example "flowing river"- this is a common adjective there are so many ways to say "flowing" - there's nothing "wrong" with using flowing but its that slight touch of avoiding common adjectives or metaphors which make each poet special, unique. So I comb over my work constantly asking myself if I am using common/cliche words and try to find things that work (without forcing it so it appears phony or pretentious) Also helps to find words with the right "sound"- alliteration or cacophony of words to create that special "music".

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I really appreciate the time you put into this reply. I do write in rhyme quite often, and will upload one of those poems just now - thank you for the idea. I find that it has really helped with the inner music and rhythm, just as you are saying. I use a thesaurus myself, quite often - but sometimes, it feels like using the simplest words with a renewed power and voice can give them a whole other life and force. Of course, the example "flowing river" is not such a case. Indeed, the biggest difficulty is finding the words that are special, that stand out and hit the reader, but also fit in with the overall melody of the verse. that's my own view.

Thank you again, and take care.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

you speak of fire
a passion
but guy's are out
for modern fashion

//But darling,
you have the real open book
lying down
right in front of you
telling the story
of passion, ecstasy, abandon, trust and love.
And
you cannot lay
your guard down
low enough
to read it.///

This is the bestest briefest
silent erotica I have read ever

MA R V E LO U S LADY
poetess are thee...

Thank you - I think I might have blushed upon reading the last few lines of your comment. Briefest silent erotica, I never look at it that way, but I can certainly grasp the feeling now.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

as open books ly/lay
and
u do well that display
ask any one not gay
glad you perceive the poetry
now suitably
do feel happy
to ask any Qs
please be free

thank you.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

As a first poem it is great in there is the emotion of the ages held by a steel trap against the will of an open universe.
You could see clearly that there in your eyes was just a view not a feeling of two.
Keep writing and use that clarity in your future works and way of life this will protect both, as the lessons were there in plain site..
Take care out there, Yours as always Ian.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thank you for an insightful review, as always. The lessons are really always there in plain sight, the challenge is to make sense of them, to learn and to grow...

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

Your lines:-
"When I could see beyond my sight,
when I could see beyond my sight.
There in the moons light as you dance away with the freedoms of feelings.
Look inward, there in a setting that only our perceived Angels could make, is the real you!
Take care, I should do as I say to others and let my feeling really flow but Maybe just Maybe..
Yours Ian . x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

so true. In that empty space beyond words is who we really are.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment
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