Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

You are what I was dreaming of

I am not scared, maybe I should be
because I think you are what I have been missing
my whole life—
when I was moving with my heart full beneath the moon
pierced by the most aching of longings,
pulled towards a mystery that I could not place or touch,
I think I was dreaming of you—
and this dream bloomed
by the sea, beneath a glowing amber moon—
she was looming above the rolling waves, demanding my soul and body to open
in ecstatic dance
and oh, open I did
I was dancing like an angel on earth
hands lifted, lifting prayers into the summer sky
and throughout that night of magic,
with the sea crying at my dancing feet
I was so full,
the August night in divine expression

Then I saw your face
and you pulled me in without knowing how
or why, or from where
my eyes lingered on you with an intuitive knowing
“There you are”,
my heart whispered
what took you so long
you are who was pulling me in
unknowingly, all this time

And damn, you are
what I was dreaming of

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Has many wonderful moments, when it is "poetic", when the mood is not disrupted by telling too much. I would drop the first three lines, and the last 2.
In "confessional dialogue" poetry, a form commonly used today, we often have a tendency to state in prose what the poem has told us, in poetry. I find the best poetry is neither too vague or abstract to the point it is incomprehensible, or is too didactic or plainly stated so there is no mystery.
So i think the poem should start "when I was moving with my heart full beneath the moon" a lovely line, an engaging line, a musical non-prose like line. The poem continues from there in a very well constructed manner using the moon, the sea, August, dancing like an angel on earth (!) etc with your heart, with your dreams. The poem ends with "unknowingly, all this time" . The last two lines bring us back to earth, and break the mood from a poetic stance to a statement of journalism. We know, we feel from the body of the work what you are stating.
I believe the title does not do justice to the very stunning joy and depth within the body of the poem.
In closing, sometimes a little less is more. Let the wonderful emotions pour from the poem- they tell us all we need to know.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

And I can see how stripping the first and last lines away, as you say, lends more immediacy to the feeling I am trying to convey. I have always been not great with titles, though—joy and depth are, indeed, the feelings that describe best that very summer night that I am writing of. Will think of a new title.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

Is this poem about the yearning for God as it seemed to me?

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

It's not— it's about an actual experience and feeling I lived, it's about a man.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

Thanks Steph for clarification. Good to know it's about a "Dream Come True" experience

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

nice poem

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

A poem about Me! lmao

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.