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XX

Submitted by IRiz on Sat, 2018-02-17 15:44

cobwebs
quieted steps
and muffled voices

portraits
hang sideways
death came alone

spring cries
it is wrong
to harvest early

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

Comments

raj

Sat, 2018-02-17 16:16

Aaah!

raj (sublime_ocean)

weirdelf

Wed, 2018-05-30 00:02

weirdelf's picture
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Deceptively simple but ineffable depth.
Superb Sunku!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

IRiz

Wed, 2018-05-30 01:02

IRiz's picture
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Thank you, Jess.
I thought about these sort of images that just make you feel present and involved in the story, that tilted painting was haunting me for many years as a symbol of a grief in the house.
Sometimes I think I made up the form for it and for my ginger hare. They do not need more words.

IRiz

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2018-05-30 17:37

lovedly's picture

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! 3rd one to repeat

how we all wish
we had deadly company

we won't have to make it alone
couples on earth keep company
why in heaven be bereft
can someone throw kindly light
galaxies are too far
for a sunku to
brief me
do you read me

IRiz

Wed, 2018-05-30 18:03

IRiz's picture
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Yes I do read you, we all miss somebody.
Sometimes not even knowing that they are walking amonst us.

IRiz

author comment

Sparrow

Wed, 2018-05-30 19:13

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The one that walks the halls
never to disturb a cobweb
or make a footfall..
Seeing without eyes,
A presence felt,
grief of loneliness,
A thought
There in the shadow
they walk with us,
always..
Lovely picture, Yours Ian..x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

IRiz

Wed, 2018-05-30 23:55

IRiz's picture
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Thank you for your kind comment

IRiz

author comment
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