Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Words of the Sage

In my search, the sage told me:
When rails sparkle their brightest,
The stars in my abode shall descend,
And pleasant air the sacred oak shall blow,

Then shall I meet her.
Then shall I unlock my gated artery of love
And allow her in to sit on the elevated place,
Wherefrom with me, she deals softly.

From then forward I gazed to the stars
Every night, deep nights, even days,
Kneeling like mantis to pray the stars to descend,
But unheard was my prayer.

Then, down the street,
where rails crisscross towns,
I walked to catch the brightest of their sparkles,
but in vain were my feet beat against stones.

Further down,
In the gathering of oaks, I sat,
That the sacred oak might blow its air,
But not one oak twinkle a leaf.

Then I let up, for the words of the sage were as water upon a stone.
But as the daylight slumbered, through town,
Darkness in riotous revel swept,
And echoes of fear rose like owls' hoots.

Suddenly, water of sparkles lifted around me,
My abode became as starry heaven,
While the gentle wind of a sacred oak blew mints of rose.
Then I looked around, there you were, my love.

Your face lit with sparkles of smiles,
Your eyes in the radiation of glowing stars,
And your embrace, a rapture of refreshing air,
Quickly I realized the words of the sage to be true.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

reading this Chima. Of a nice length to get into.
Excellent choice of title.
The language used is good (too much use of the word 'sparkles' I think)
Pacing etc. is fine although I think stanza 5 needs to say a little more ~ stay with us a little longer.
The theme of this piece certainly appeals to me, I think good.
The beginning and end is also good (all's well that ends well!)
The internal logic of the narrator is good once you get into it (which is what you are supposed to do isn't it?)
So overall not much of a problem with this for me ~ well done.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

You're absolutely right, more perhaps needed to be said on stanza 5. Thanks for your inspiring words.

chimaono

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.