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Witches Pride (Reckoning of the Adversary) eddy styx (updated)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Mon, 2012-03-12 11:45

Witches Pride
(Reckoning of the Adversary

darkest heart
black as pitch
lying there
I saw you twitch

seeming still
playing dead
the scent of fear
'round your cowardly head

but I see you
you lying hag
pretending to be
a heap of rag

a hank of hair
a piece of bone
the only claim left
your fallen throne

you dirty thing
tattered and worn
wishing now
you'd never been born

many years ago
a thorn in my side
you slandered me
to soothe your pride

now you're down
and I'm on top
and all your lies
a failed crop

yet I pitty you
your fallen state
as mercy of mine
wipes the slate

I wish for you
the peace of mind
you begruged me
I hope you find

forgiveness
some day
before you pass
your weary way

it's not my wish
nor my desire
a painful existance
of life expire

so go we now
our seperate ways
til end of time
as the hound bays

into setting orb
when course has run
bid you farewell
this day is done

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

China Blue

Tue, 2012-03-13 03:31

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All I am going to say about this one , since I read it before it was posted is
well done
I think the stanza that stands out for me would have to be

seeming still
playing dead
the scent of fear
'round your cowardly head

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-03-17 12:10

Candlewitch's picture
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Thank you for reading and sharing with me what you liked about my poem.

always, eddy (& cat)

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author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-03-17 12:20

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Thank you for catching that typo! (and for your unfailing support!) You are a faithful reader of my work and I appreciate you.

always, eddy (& cat)

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Willy

Sun, 2012-03-18 20:54

Willy's picture

Hey candlewitch,

i loved that piece. There is a serious side to it but there is also this humorous side to it which is what i enjoyed. I like the idea of this loser trying so hard to set traps but which we all know ultimately will end in failure. The line that did it for me is:
seeming still
playing dead
the scent of fear
'round your cowardly head

Imagery: pretence, clever, craftiness, in vain, imminent doom. This individual is clutching at straws not in the spirit of humility but of low deeds. Such an individual you can't pity. i also have a problem relating the title to the work. Maybe you explain what you mean when you say "Witches pride".

until next time
willy

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-03-19 10:58

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Thanks for reading my poem on settleing old scores between foes. Witche's Pride refers to me. My name is Candlewitch and Witch is just a shortening of my name. (but to my friends and fellow poets I am known as Cat.

This was a very personal poem and I am glad to get your opinion on how it reads and its content. Thank you so very much for reading and commenting!

always, Cat (& eddy, my male alter ego)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Willy

Mon, 2012-03-19 19:28

Willy's picture

be rest assured it was my pleasure to read and comment.......

understood............i now see the piece in a whole different light. The title now makes sense although i bemoan the idea of losing the integrity of the humour that idea of the witch brought to it. This is not to say the integrity of the piece was reduced in any way. Your adversary could be seen as a witch and this is how i now see him/her.

Willy

Esker

Mon, 2012-03-19 15:22

Esker's picture

last official recorded spot where they burned a witch in the german city
(back before Wiki or facebook people were mysterious and had powers)
no its easy to see the real people and fakeness
Witchs were to be feared back in the day as they did study the dark
arts and commerce with spirits
and anyone with false egos would be led into the pits by the secuctive
witch....but the populace said to hell with Thou Shalt Not Kill commandment
and went on a killing spree for saving their souls and providing entertainment
in the city square or river bank (They drowned them naked too) for the
general populace... Evil still finds its blind followers (they may even
be amongst us today) there are always times for a good cleansing
and this poem is an apt description of such riddance

a great lively poem that kept me entranced from beginning to end

Thank You!

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