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Wishful Thinking

Submitted by alidzain on Mon, 2017-04-24 03:02

If I could rewind
the moments in my life,
I'll erase the first time
I caught her in my eyes

I'll free myself from hurt in loving
and live my life with lesser pain.
I'll make a better plan to reach
the hopes and dreams I've attained.

I won't know her, won't see her
and I won't be hurt by treachery,
the masterpiece she has woven
without remorse or a shred of pity.

Alas, I'm helpless to silence
the echoes of a bleeding heart
for she has repaid my affection
with deceit that left me scarred.

Still I refuse to take a bow
and leave the hunt for love
for my pride will not allow
this hatred to tarnish my worth.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Not sure about the ending. Need suggestions.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

jane210660

Mon, 2017-04-24 05:07

jane210660's picture
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If only we could turn the clock back.
I'm glad to see you still have your fighting spirit intact though.
Couple of grammar points that struck me. On the 4th line you write 'I've met the shameless liar'
It's just 'I met the shameless liar'
On the last quatrain you say 'and left the hunt for love' - it should be leave the hunt.
I like the honesty and raw feeling here very much. Jx

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alidzain

Mon, 2017-04-24 06:36

alidzain's picture

This is what I call "play acting" poetry. It's not really my story but it is true to someone else. I had "young love" which don't even last long and that's just about it. lol
Don't really looking forward to it with my current condition and responsibilities. I can be friends with a woman at best, not more than that. At least, not for the near future.

Alid

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jane210660

Mon, 2017-04-24 05:08

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Sorry, I managed to post the same thing twice.

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alidzain

Thu, 2017-04-27 17:55

alidzain's picture

What do you think about my current edits?

Alid

author comment

jane210660

Fri, 2017-04-28 03:44

jane210660's picture
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You say this is play acting poetry, well all credit to you, because you make it read as though it's from the heart.
Your latest edit has really tightened it up and honed it. It's a much more polished piece now.
Impressed.
Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

alidzain

Fri, 2017-04-28 03:59

alidzain's picture

Glad you liked it.

Alid

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