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Winter Rhymes

Submitted by raj on Fri, 2018-10-26 15:10

lips go brrrrrr
tummies grrrrr
bout of sneezing
a bit of wheezing
crackle of firewood
good time to brood

tricks and treats
Halloween greets
golf clubs are gone
skiing season is on
who'll shovel snow
not for me to know

covered in layers
atop thermal wears
dressed head to toe
undressing is a chore
Joe makes it just in time
hop skipping the bee line

scary sounds of winter roar
upon the wash room door

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2018-10-26 15:32

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and undressing is a chore, are two lines that could be done without, and although the line: hop skipping the bee-line, doesn't make sense to me, it may have some significance in your neck of the woods, and it is an almost rhyme. Not bad, I get the idea even without those lines.
~ Geezer.
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raj

Fri, 2018-10-26 15:38

Thanks for reading Geezer

hop skipping the bee line outside the wash room is to indicate the rush

dressed head to toe making undressing a chore is to indicate how tough it is when one is in a rush to answer nature's call...

noted that it didn't make sense to you..

moreover, i wrote this also to practice rhyme which is distinctly not my comfort zone so trying ways to get around it..

gotta go now to watch "The Lead with Jack Tapper" and see what's happening on the reality show :)
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raj (sublime_ocean)

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Geezer

Sat, 2018-10-27 16:36

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have said; " I got the idea of what you were saying; but the line doesn't really make sense? I really did understand that you meant that it is hard to get undressed to go to the bathroom, it's just that the line didn't seem to fit. I really can appreciate the effort to get out of your comfort zone and practice some rhyme. You did very well and I would love to see you doing more and become proficient in it. It is not an easy thing to find lines to match rhymes and still have the story sound right. Keep at it. expand your
efforts a little at a time. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

raj

Sun, 2018-10-28 14:03

thanks Geezer about your encouraging words about my attempts at rhyme...hope none here appeared forced...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

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