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Winter

Submitted by alidzain on Tue, 2014-02-11 13:54

The winter returns,
The cold wind breaks the silence
with a long, long sigh

The land lies hidden
under a sea of white snow
beauty, undenied

the reign of the night
lingers in its long embrace
shares a lover's kiss

While the day passes
so swiftly in memory
a fleeing shadow

a homeless beggar
feeling the chill in his bones
praying for its end

for in its beauty
there is the endless longing
for the absent warmth

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Tue, 2014-02-11 14:58

It is good to see you try various forms of poetry as in this Haiku. I liked the way you pieced them together and was tempted to play with this wintry spectacle just for fun..

Mama winter snoops,
the cool breeze breaks the silence
with a misty sigh

the land lies covered
beneath a snow white blanket
in a cozy warmth

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

William Saint George

Tue, 2014-02-11 16:04

William Saint George's picture

I thought this was sublime. Its the best I've read from you. And several phrases remind me of A Song of Ice and Fire.

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

alidzain

Tue, 2014-02-11 16:16

alidzain's picture

thank you, guys. I'm glad you like it..

Alid

author comment

Seren

Sat, 2014-02-15 09:08

Seren's picture

I have to agree with William on this one and I don't think it needs anything else but here it is

snow sparkled with light
and shimmered the ground with grace
light melts the wicked

don't ask me where it came from it just did if you don't like it totally ignore me I am not in my right or left mind at the moment lol

love JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

wesley snow

Sat, 2014-02-15 13:02

wesley snow's picture
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Gentle and lovely.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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alidzain

Sat, 2014-02-15 13:05

alidzain's picture

thank you, sir

Alid

author comment

Rula

Sun, 2014-02-16 03:02

Rula's picture
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I really enjoyed this one as well Khalid.
Keep on the great job!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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doomhead

Sun, 2014-02-16 23:01

doomhead's picture

I enjoy how each stanza addresses different elements of winter; the way it edges in with cold winds effecting the amount of daylight and covering the streets in its ferociousness.

Here's a few things that I think need a bit of thought. First of all, the capitalisation (or lack of in the first stanza) confused me because it was inconsistent. The third stanza's 'like a lover's kiss' I felt should be adapted to a metaphor - the whole poem is an extended metaphor comparing winter to a lover, to my eyes, and thus the use of a simile seems to break rank. Finally, I found the positivity and mystique of this poem somewhat frustrating as it seems to glaze over the more irritating aspects of the colder months. Perhaps something slight could be added to suggest it has a cruelness to it as well, thus also making an inference that lovers/people/etc can be equally beautiful as they are heart wrenching.

All over however, the mood of this poem sent me straight to the snow, which is somewhat relieving as it is hot and sticky where I live in Australia.

x Liam

alidzain

Mon, 2014-02-17 03:10

alidzain's picture

when you put it this way I can see how to improve and I have edited it. now I don't know how to change the part about a lover's kiss. keep trying to find other words but got stuck again.any ideas?? one more thing, tell me if the new verses works 'cos i'm still new with haiku.

Thanks, Liam
Alid

author comment

doomhead

Tue, 2014-02-18 00:34

doomhead's picture

Try 'shares a lovers kiss' or another single syllabic synonym.

: )

alidzain

Tue, 2014-02-18 03:11

alidzain's picture

appreciate it very much.

Alid

author comment

alidzain

Thu, 2014-03-13 12:39

alidzain's picture

how have you been, bro?

Alid

author comment

alidzain

Mon, 2014-02-17 03:12

alidzain's picture

please check on the edit I have done on this piece and tell me your honest opinions.Thank you.

Alid

author comment

wesley snow

Mon, 2014-02-17 11:47

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No poet should be without one. I suggest the Synonym Finder, but both Webster and Oxford make excellent ones. It will help you "find" the words.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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