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Winning

In piss and shit and filth we grovel deep
Our masters grin so smugly at our plight
So helpless we abase ourselves in sleep
Yet knowing that there is a way to fight

On Wall Street and each other sign of wealth
Our presence can’t be lied away as mad
There is no longer any need for stealth
The fight is a political jihad

Our toys deflect us from our thoughts of truth
ipad, smartphone, facebook, ‘puters lies
in the end they mean we’re fools, our faces blank
and political action is just a bother

So kill the cunts, each CEO,
each shareholder denying blame.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
A sonnet. I have struggled all my life to write poetry with overt political content. They always come out with the subtlety and poetic values of a sledgehammer. [sighs] Time to try another tack.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I worry when you rant so.
As poetry you are the best I know.
But to bring my mind to read
This rant makes my eyes bleed

Though troubles come and smite us
All that we can do is cuss
Let us dwell in places new
Good, can happen to me and you

Can you not tell me of some place
Where creatures dwell, not race
Headlong into greed and poverty
These are for a civilisations need.

Not You or Me

Did I say that I didn't like this Rant no matter how well it was written,
Yours as always, Ian.T
PS:- Please don't curse me too much lol..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Jess you know you've my attention with this poem, it's a subject so close to my heart. An i love the poem, except for the last line second verse, and second, third and fourth line of the third verse. Would you consider, the fight is our political jihad. And in the fourth verse would you try.
our toys deflect us from the very truth,
ipad smartphone facebook, 'computor lies
in the end it means we're fools, the screens are blank,
and political action is lost in our sanguine sighs.
As i said i like the poem just needs some work on these lines i think, Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

It was a poem of desperation,

Ill try to write a good one soon
.

.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I think it is a good poem, even if it is a rant. I feel your passionate ire with every line! You keep us on our toes with this write. I like the changes that Roscoe suggested. You forgot to mention ps3 and x-box, lol!

always, Cat

ps.
right now, ps3, as an exercise, is helping me with my failing working memory.

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

cat

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I like your style, and i agree with everything, I don't believe its a "rant" and i surely do not believe it to be a desperate poem, as a matter of fact, it is voicing the current economic,political and social problems at hand.
I like the "cussing" because it shows emotion, raw anger, you feel the frustration of being part of this consumeristic world, and yes our toys do very well distract us, although they could be utilised as tools for doing good, but thats not the point..everyone lives in screens these days..its true...others, please observe everyone on ur way to work or home or whatever...everyones glued in :)
Masterminds of marketing i say.
As for poem structure yada yada...its all fine..what matters to me is content and i love your thought process.
---

Peace love and harmony light the path we must take. - MDT

I didn't expect such a positive response.
Thanks

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Nice sonnet. I guess the coming elections have a lot of us thinking of how the world Could be a lot better. Now a few ideas which might ease the flow a bit:
L-3 change in to and
L-4 try- even knowing there is a way to fight
L-5 change sign to realm
L-8 change political to economic
L-12 change just to such
L-13 and 14, I wonder if you purposely broke syllable count in order to emphasize these lines?

All above just alternatives to use or not as you see fit...........stan

and come back to do revisions
and I'm going to erase everything I wrote about you on the toilet wall [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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