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windows

These are the first inlets
into gay gerunds
while the loop-holes
are gaiety green

Child, o your windows
shrewd me in crude suckt
and i burn as a star dust
gramercy gape at your gap

I pet a beckoning threnody
not enamel crack of grievance
as milk vessels crevice
in lamb dental's

Moats that mould
can afford no out-lets
and when the bricks mature
biers erect ivory like dolmen

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this poem was written on the nostalgia of seeing a baby's tooth broken, knowing that it will grow back but on the contrary for a man there is no second chance at life when he is grown
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the theme, however, you do not sufficiently explain what the poem is about in the poem itself. Explanation of what the poem is about outside of the poem itself simply doesn't work very well. At this point in your writing, i am of the opinion that you need to include a lot more details about your subject in the poem itself, and not outside of it. Concentrate more on concrete and physical events, and not the abstract. it will make your poems much easier to understand, and later, after you have improved on conveying imagery, description and meaning, you can start including abstract concepts again.

I very, very, very seldom do this, but look at Okigbo's poem "Love Apart":

"The moon has
ascended between us,
Between two pines
That bow to each other;

Love with the moon has ascended,
Has fed on our solitary stems;

And we are now shadows
That cling to each other,
But kiss the air only. "

As you can see, his poem is physically describing an event - the rising moon - and then links abstraction - love - to that physical event. (Brillant poem, isn't it.)

I cannot help feeling that the comments that you put in with your poems are being leaned on so that you don't have to work harder to convey the meaning and feeling you are trying to write into you poetry. So do this: stop putting an explanaition of the poem outside the poem, and put it inside, instead.
Also, you need to start talking back, when members comment on your poetry. Doing so is an essential part of what Neopoet is all about, and keeping silent as people urge you to respond to what they are telling you about your work simply isn't going to help you become a better poet. You don't have to reply in any detail, just thank them for their comments, and then use their criticisims to improve your writing.
I do hope that this helps you, because you're beginning to show some real talent.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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