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WILL

Up this rocky trail I trudge
in search of a smoother way
finding, instead, with each footfall
my path's incline increases.

Taking a slight pause to catch my breath,
looking about where I now stand,
far past half way up my hill
with winter pursuing me along the way
leaving me no time for looking back.

Building clouds and lowering sun
tell me it's time that I go on
lest I fail to gain my goal
before the final setting of the sun.

Groans escape me unintended.
Seems even I can't escape the years.
Once smooth surfaces now cracked with time
protesting decision to move on.

But gray grizzled jaw sets with determination.
My will, this time, equal to pain.
Straightening my legs and back
I slowly chase destiny once again.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
A flirt with a new form
Editing stage: 

Comments

you must have had some good lines when you were in your prime.
I always like your tales of walking in the woods and the rhythm and pace are much like when you rhyme. I almost didn't notice that you slipped into rhyming during the last couple of lines! You made nice visuals and kept the pace going. ~ Gee.
.

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Those last rhymes depend on whether againe is pronounced
agin" which is most common now days or "agane" which is the old way. thanks for dropping by for a read..........stan

author comment

At a certain point past 65 we do start to feel it; despite how much you have read about, heard about, seen endless comedy routines about it, when it all starts to break down, then you know it. So whether in the dawn of evening of old age, it is about will. I appreciate this poem. I'll read it to my 95 year old mother, like so many her age, who have their facilities but live in chronic pain, with most contemporaries dead (or worse), she is alive because of will.

I would consider the ideas of first going "down the trail" but "up the hill"...I'd stay with that more difficult direction. I would consider not repeating lowering of the sun and setting of the sun in the same stanza, keeping one and considering another metaphor. I do like the repeating of the word sun, but would prefer to see it done more than once in the poem so it doesn't stand out. Only one stanza has 5 lines, i would try to keep them all the same, for me would be a slightly more polished presentation. There are ways to join all the ideas in that stanza in 4 lines.

Other than that, the dental bridges, artificial knees and hips, the pacemakers...fuck it, let's have as much fun as we can!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I've been dealing with chronic knee pain due to an old injury for years now. But I've replaced one knee (which brought even worse pain for a few months) and will be replacing the other next year. So if pain is the scale of age I've been old since my early 40s and hope to become young again at 64 lol.

Now to the poem. The variation in stanzas is part of the form I'm beginning to explore. the unintentional repeats are not. Your idea of going up the trail is good and will be implemented in edit. Appreciate the visit........stan

author comment

I'm a bit older, and I have been putting off the knee replacement for a few years but it will happen, the arthritis has left me with a crooked leg, ...I'm still managing to be active though, I still play squash, but mostly with my crowd of older gents with artificial hips. I kiss the court every time I get off, as I take another Soma...
yes, all about will. Drugs help a little too!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

thank god for non-addictive pain killers lol

author comment

I am envious. I wish I could write poetry. Maybe someone could teach me how someday.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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You have actually gotten to one of my really recent new ones lol. This is first attempt at a really old form called "Broken rhythm" that Jess told me about. Its roots are supposed to predate rhyme and even meter. As most first attempt it likely comes up short but I hope to gradually improve. It almost seems like the cross between free verse and western classic which I've been saying for years now is the direction in which I think poetry is heading lol

author comment

Up this |rocky| trail I |trudge
in search| of a smooth|er way
finding, in|stead, with |each foot|fall
my path's| incline| increas|es.

Taking a |slight pause| to catch| my breath,
looking| about| where I| now stand,
far past| half way| up my| hill
with win|ter pursu|ing me| along| the way
leaving| me no| time for |looking| back.

Building| clouds and| lowering| sun
tell me| it's time| that I| go on
lest I| fail to| gain my| goal
before| the fin|al sett|ing of| the sun.

Groans es|cape me| unin|tended.
Seems ev|en I| can't escape| the years.
Once smooth| surfaces| now crack|ed with time
protest|ing deci|sion to| move on.

But gray| grizzled| jaw sets| with de|termin|ation.
My will|, this time|, equal| to pain.
Straightening| my legs| and back
I slow|ly chase| destiny| once a|gain.

 

Up this |rocky| trail I |trudge  [Trochee Trochee Trochee Catalexis]
in search| of a smooth|er way  [Iamb Anapaest Iamb]
finding|, instead|, with each| footfall  [Trochee Iamb Iamb Trochee]
my path's| incline| increas|es.[ Iamb Iamb Iamb Catalexis]

Taking a |slight pause| to catch| my breath,  [Trochee Spondee Iamb Iamb]
looking| about| where I| now stand,  [Trochee Iamb Trochee Iamb]
far past| half way| up my| hill  [Trochee Trochee Trochee Catalexis]
with win|ter pursu|ing me| along| the way  [Iamb Anapaest Iamb Iamb Iamb]
leaving| me no| time for |looking| back.[ Trochee Trochee Trochee Trochee Catalexis]

Building| clouds and| lowering| sun  [Trochee Trochee Dactyl Catalexis]
tell me| it's time| that I| go on  [Iamb Iamb Iamb Iamb]
lest I| fail to| gain my| goal  [Trochee Trochee Trochee Catalexis]
before| the fin|al sett|ing of| the sun.[ Iamb Iamb Iamb Iamb Iamb]

Groans es|cape me| unin|tended.  [Trochee Trochee Trochee Trochee]
Seems ev|en I| can't escape| the years.  [Iamb Iamb Anapaest Iamb]
Once smooth| surfaces| now crack|ed with time  [Trochee Dactyl Iamb Trochee]
protest|ing decis|ion to| move on.[ Iamb Anapaest Iamb Iamb]

But gray| grizzled| jaw sets| with de|termin|ation.  [Iamb Trochee Trochee Trochee Trochee Trochee]
My will|, this time|, equal| to pain.  [Iamb Iamb Trochee Iamb]
Straightening| my legs| and back  [Dactyl Iamb Iamb]
I slow|ly chase| destiny| once a|gain.[ Iamb Iamb Dactyl Trochee Catalexis]

Cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Director.
Contact the AC, Richard (themoonman) or myself with any queries or problems.

Still a bit too metrical for the form isn't it? Guess I'll try again sometime next week with a new poem. Appreciate the parse

author comment

It in no way resembles any metric form or Sprung Rhythm.
Do you read it aloud to yourself?
Fucking Suthiners.

Cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Director.
Contact the AC, Richard (themoonman) or myself with any queries or problems.

Cain't speak plane Anglish lol. Now that we're done insulting each other you might remember this is a first attempt at a form I haven't really studied yet. And yes i read it aloud

author comment

I haven't played with it for 40 years, which is odd because I seem to remember enjoying it. I was probably dreadful. Like many 20y/os I was quite proficient at having myself on in large lumps.

By some, I wasn't having a dig, it really polarises poets. For some it's like breathing, for others like self-administered root canal.

Best of luck with it mate, probable best thing would e to read a lot of Hopkins, aloud, and anyone else who uses it.

Cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Director.
Contact the AC, Richard (themoonman) or myself with any queries or problems.

I'll study the link you supplied then start over from there. and thanks for giving me a new challenge.I'll alert you when I take another stab at it and we can call each other names over it again lol

author comment

Iamb
Unstressed + Stressed
Two

Trochee
Stressed + Unstressed
Two

Spondee
Stressed + Stressed
Two

Anapaest
Unstressed + Unstressed + Stressed
Three

Dactyl
Stressed + Unstressed + Unstressed
Three

Cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Director.
Contact the AC, Richard (themoonman) or myself with any queries or problems.

I expect my next attempt at sprung rhythm is be a bit better

author comment
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