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why not?- a question to the big guy (rhyme patterns exercise - singsong)

Submitted by judyanne on Thu, 2012-08-09 02:55

why can't I have them - what I want?
You say to ask and I'll receive
requesting perky breasts to flaunt
I get ones hanging past my knees

why can't I have them when I ask?
You say all comes to those who wait
but I have boobs all long and gaunt
I'm not impressed, I'll tell You straight

I shouldn't place such store in them
they're really just appendages
but it's Your fault, 'cause You made men
with one-track minds throughout the ages

why can't I have them? You're so mean
it's such a simple thing to give
instead, each one looks like a bean
no hope of keeping young men captive
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2012-08-09 07:17

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after the first Q too.

The third line of the 2nd Q. should end with rhyming word for the first line:
Maybe something like: For you, it should be no great task.

2] The last line of the 3d Q needs to drop the [out] from throughout], which would bring it into sync with the matching line.

3] The last line of the last Q could do without the [of] replacing it with a comma.

Loved the theme though! ~ Gee

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judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 08:30

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– I did not flub it (if 'flub' means 'stuffed')

I originally had the first line repeated there at the second stanza – but decided to sacrifice rhyme for a different way to write the question ... and anyway it rhymes with the first verse's 'flaunt' :)

- there is no rule in the workshop that says they all have to rhyme
this stanza has a rhyme scheme of abcb …. did you find it less sing-songy?
the shop wants us to comment on sing-songyness of the writes I think

as for the ‘out’ and ‘of’ – I think I’ll keep them - for the iambic
thanks anyway
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 00:00

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this was just for fun for the shop... i don't know if i want to work on it any lol
a couple of your suggestions take away the iambic… but if at any time I decide I need it for anything I will take your thoughts under consideration
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

loved

Thu, 2012-08-09 13:51

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''''You made men
with one-track minds
throughout the ages...

men have two heads
but they only think with the lower one
and except
impos
there are no exceptions..

loved

judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 00:00

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true loved
i'll think on it
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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loved

Fri, 2012-08-10 04:13

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thanks and must................

also compose a fresh one

loved

scribbler

Thu, 2012-08-09 14:26

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I request SS and you used near rhyme which kinda defeats that. Of course it might just be you are incapable of writing badly lol. But come on. If you need examples just read some of my stuff . But the subject was hilarious. I heard of an old lady who in her youth was extremely well endowed. Alas came age. She stepped out of the shower one day and thought she was having a heart attack. Pain and pressure leaped through ker chest region. Then she let a sigh of relief. She had merely stepped on her own boobs..............................................................................................................................stan

judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 00:08

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I wasn’t aware that you wanted us to purposely write bad poetry

if that is the case then I’m afraid that this shop is not for me – I refuse to purposely try to write bad stuff – lol – I do enough of that unpurposely….

imo sing-song is not bad poetry per se, and sing-song (also imo) is the style of choice when writing fun writes

shoot me down if you like lol – but ‘bad’ poetry is a different thing altogether I think

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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scribbler

Fri, 2012-08-10 08:13

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I guess bad is the wrong word. But I did prefer something easily improved upon by others. I'll let the one who has to improve upon this curse under his/her breath lol.............stan

judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 08:38

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i obviously didn't get the instructions clear
and lol - if you're going to ask us to make someone's write less sing-songy don't give me eph's

actually i wonder if making a write less sing-songy will 'improve' it, or will it make it lose the feel of the text intended... i guess we'll see

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2012-08-10 08:49

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Check the shop thread and you'll see who's write you got. I figured since enrollment was random, this might be a good random way to place assignments...................stan

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-08-10 03:10

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But having a down on men it's the fault of those celeb's that flaunt their silicon effigies that makes the others feel strange and out of proportion.
Now for a solution to this is to be able to turn ones head 180 degrees and throw one over each shoulder then you would be a high breasted biddy, I shall change the word biddy if it is read up as offensive lol.
I loved the write but just couldn't resist the ramble into the state of things,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 03:55

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i just love your solution
trouble is then i'd have to walk backwards ,,, and the mind boggles at the thought of how i'd eat

and biddy is fine lol
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-08-10 04:19

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I did say about tuning the head 180 degrees it will stop you walking into something lol, Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 04:24

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think about it ian
even turning the head 180 degrees i still have to walk backwards ... knee and foot placement being as they are...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Rula

Fri, 2012-08-10 08:07

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nothing to crit.

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judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-10 08:31

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thanks you
glad you enjoyed it
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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