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WITH WHOM I STROLL
I seldom walk these woods alone,
matters not the time of year,
when I forsake both town and phone
others stroll here at my side
often loved ones I held dear.
As autumn rolls in like a tide
I hear my brother laugh with me
at flying squirrels as they glide
beneath a silent hickory
as some deer snorts derisively.
When hound song floats on winter breeze
dad yells "Don't shoot yet, let them run!"
those bays bring back such memories
of him and uncles passed away
like geese into the setting sun.
And on deer season's opening day
as I sit among the oaks and pines
old friends and cousins moved away
distract me from my chosen quest
of scanning trees and brush and vines.
So on days when my legs won't rest
while wandering on some wild hillside
as sun sinks slowly in the west
I've company aplenty there
as memories walk at my side.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Mon, 2012-08-06 15:30
lol mm here
and i have not one complaint rotflmao
not perfect iambic or trochiac or anything ... but good meter - the scansion is perhaps slightly out in a couple of places, but so slightly it doesn't matter....
love the poem and the memories of my own it brings me
and the rhyme scheme's great
now -sf (no, not sci-fi - spell freak) here
'when I foresake both town and phone' - 'forsake'
thanks for sharing stan
love judy xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-06 16:20
To judyanne
You may now contact scribbler at the Anderson Memorial Hospital where he is recovering from a heart attack brought on by the shock of having been told his meter was OK by MM. LMAO..............I'll get that spell error fixed pronto and will try to go back to bad meter just to keep you from being bored . The rhyme scheme is a variation of one I've bben playing with a bit. Glad you liked it and thanks for dropping by............stan
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-11-16 04:58
well - you've not really changed much
mm here ((((smile))))
i don't think i said perfect did i? lol
why don't you do a tiny little more edit and it might then be
scansion is slightly out to my ear with
‘of -ten loved ones I held dear’
‘like geese into the setting sun’
‘So on days when my legs won't rest’
‘as mem – or -ies walk here at my side’
‘those bays bring back such memories’ – lol I love the trouble my mouth gives me with the ‘b’ alliteration here
i still enjoyed the sentiments of the poem
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-11-16 09:49
Hi Judith
No, not too much changed although I just read your comment and did another change in last line. I think the other lines you pointed out, the message takes precedence over the meter{{{.}}} That's he hiding from the coming volley lol.................stan PS thanks for revisiting this
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-11-16 09:52
lol judith
wow i am in the doghouse
lol
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-11-16 05:01
Stan
We had a new Meter put in on the electric, but I still work in Feet and Inches.
As with your feet they will inch their way down memory lane and to rest would be a shame as to walk around the woods you can never be alone.
A great write and you kep those friends with you always they will enjoy your thoughts as we do, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Fri, 2012-11-16 09:52
Hi Ian
Thanks for dropping by. I've reached the age when too many of my friends have crossed the fence and the only time I get to spend with them is in reruns...................stan
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2012-11-16 09:52
Hi Ian
Thanks for dropping by. I've reached the age when too many of my friends have crossed the fence and the only time I get to spend with them is in reruns...................stan
author comment