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Who I want to be…

I want to be a simple man
A leader where there is a need
Unlike the conduct of some groups
To boss people, once they make way
Ambition is the spur, our dreams
Sad, when you look at the pains
Riots, wars and wanton wastefulness
Waged to support impositions
Claimed to be divinely ordained
We have hydra headed monsters
Elected to serve, but out to steal
While we bleed dry for the chosen
Pension funds and subsidy probes
Baring a can full of maggots
With scandalous revelations
Of looting of our resources
I want to be, you know what
Not a thief or an armed robber
Be on the pulpit or state house
But to contribute my little
For the advancement of mankind

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

You might want to put them in different places, but the poem really needs them. See how much stronger it makes the ending?

I want to be a simple man
A leader where there is a need
Unlike the conduct of some groups
To boss people, once they make way

Ambition is the spur, our dreams
Sad, when you look at the pains
Riots, wars and wanton wastefulness
Waged to support impositions
Claimed to be divinely ordained

We have hydra headed monsters
Elected to serve, but out to steal
While we bleed dry for the chosen
Pension funds and subsidy probes
Baring a can full of maggots
With scandalous revelations
Of looting of our resources

I want to be, you know what
Not a thief or an armed robber
Be on the pulpit or state house
But to contribute my little
For the advancement of mankind

Maybe even, instead of the political sounding
For the advancement of mankind
perhaps something like
For goodness

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

This makes the work clearer. I could not brake rhe stanzas evenly , so I put everything in one block. Are there rules on stanzas? What are the effects of uneven stanzas on the structure of a poem.

The piece was inspired by the way politics and religion are played here for money, your observations are noted and well received, I will see how I can tinker with it to make it sound less political.I appreciate your contributions. Thank you and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

though it is not a rule.

In a piece like this I would just try to avoid breaking up an idea or sequence of thoughts. Just like paragraphs in prose.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I agree that the poem itself is fine but could use stanza breaks to avoid the look of a "word wall" and to help with ease of reading......................stan

These words make me look back at some of my pieces and I see "word wall" everywhere. I need a big hammer to break down the walls. Thanks for your comment, it has open up another critical eye for me, best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

"Word wall " is not a phrase I came up with (I should be so smart lol) but rather one I saw on site. Think of stanzas like they are paragraphs. They are both used to encapsulate separate thoughts..............stan

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