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Where was I?

Submitted by IRiz on Fri, 2018-06-01 19:02

Distant jingle of ice-cream truck
through the humming of my computer
redirects my thoughts and destructs
the walls of my solitude.

There are sweet and cold treats
waiting to be picked up,
children laugh and birds whistle
the Prince of Denmark’s March.

Yes, it’s a wedding
of day and night.
In the arching darkness
it is synchronized with fireflies
and whispering lisp
of leaves and branches.

It must be summer,
geese have stopped hissing,
leaving their long-legged offspring
to pluck weed stalks on their own.

Where was I all along, ignoring
the blinking of days, the noises
of seasonal changes, the ageing
and walls of my solitude growing
taller and taller?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Fri, 2018-06-01 21:11

Eumolpus's picture

about solitude. the solitude is abstract, but everyone has their own brand.

I would try to tie in the ice cream bells which invite us into the poem in the final part of the poem, with its many possibilities between the sound of the truck music, the bells, memories, and the great way we felt eating it. Also the title does not do justice to the poem. Or it should have a question mark as the stanza asks.

I would cut two lines from this stanza to

It must be summer
and geese have stopped hissing.
Leaving their long-legged offspring
to pluck weed stalks on their own.

The "walls of your solitude". Very Russian. Dostoevsky to the core! Nicely done.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-01 21:17

IRiz's picture
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Thank you Eumolpus,
I think you are right about the line to remove.
And yes the poem gives a bit trunkated feel.
I will sleep on it and see what I can do.
Thank you for sharing your expertise and for your time and help.

IRiz

author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2018-06-01 21:38

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I totally agree, I'm not sure that I would have been so astute as to give such crisp advice, but sure that it is right! great poem. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-01 22:22

IRiz's picture
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Thank you for reading.
It is a second meaning of the word eavedrops so heavily weights on its literal sense that I have to find a replacement for it. Any suggestions for the drops of melting snow?

IRiz

author comment

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-01 21:47

lovedly's picture

before you truncate
see the trunk is not eaten

your solitude speaks magnificently
stay within those walls
let others jump and call

like Romeo did to Juliet

take care but do not fall
I can only help mend
stories small
but the medicine can be prescribed by a poetic doc
if he is in more comfortable a position than you

Which I ain't
and you know it 2

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-01 22:22

IRiz's picture
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Thank you for your poetic comment, dear Lovedly.

IRiz

author comment

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-01 23:02

lovedly's picture

u 4 d acceptance
devuyshka

gregwa8

Sat, 2018-06-02 00:26

gregwa8's picture

I love this!

IRiz

Sat, 2018-06-02 09:48

IRiz's picture
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Thank you

IRiz

author comment

raj

Sat, 2018-06-02 04:39

To me it created a picture of verses being knit to connect stitch to stitch.. line to line craftily and creating a sweater with built in designs of an ice cream truck and kids dancing in glee...

raj (sublime_ocean)

IRiz

Sat, 2018-06-02 11:04

IRiz's picture
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Thank you, Raj.
It looks like you are about creating your own sweater. Have a nice evening.

IRiz

author comment
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