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Where Cows Chew Their Cud (ODE TO _____ April Contest)

Oh, my dearest train station, how I love you.
The things you do are all so cool for the fool
That spills into your belly and runs like cold jelly
Trying to get someplace in a race whilst I sit
At your heart and am a quiet part of your pit
The pit of my dearest train station belching
Throwing up all the people from your misery
And then there is me quietly taking it in
You wonder why your bottom takes a pounding
Why all the rush and in such a hush whispering

My dearest train station you are the scene seen
As I stop and hear your hungry gut rumble
How could you not be full by now you big fat cow
Chew your cud as the exit is a messy dung pile

Oh, my dearest train station, how I love you
You one cow zoo, where I meditate in your bowels
Only to see the art decor stuff plastered
Everywhere there for all to be distracted and compacted
For the next five O’clock run!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

a wild and exuberant ride, a Dali-esque styled portrait full of sound and fury exemplifying
an ultra-personal metaphoric sense of futility and controlled chaos, I think?

interesting bro
was this a working out of one of your epic dreams

second to last line might be more fitting as
"every where for all to be distracted and compacted
for the next five o'clock run
...unless I am missing something about using "contracted"

Al

contracted was a pop in head rhyme like pushing out or birth and may make no sense so I will be changing that.
No, this was not derived from a dream. It was from a true story when I was on my way to FL by way of train and stopped over in DC for half a day. I decided at one point to try and take in the environment by sitting on a bench in the middle of it all and just clearing my mind in relaxation.
Later,

and,
that's how I see it.

Mark L.

author comment

by the hub-bub and the rush! You are a much braver man than I, in sitting there amidst the clamor of a D.C. train station! I would not willingly put myself in that position. I do like the simile to a zoo and feel sure that you must have seen many a strange animal. Nice job, glad you fixed the [contracted/contacted. ~ Geezer.

.

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The only thing I would suggest is break it into stanzas. Give the reader a chance to breath, take it in. Starting each stanza with the "dearest train station"

Oh, my dearest train station, how I love you.
The things you do are all so cool for the fool
Trying to get someplace in a race whilst I sit
At your heart and am a quiet part of your pit
The pit of my dearest train station belching
Throwing up all the people from your misery
And then there is me quietly taking it in
You wonder why your bottom takes a pounding
Why all the rush and in such a hush whispering

My dearest train station you are the scene seen
As I stop and hear your hungry gut rumble
How could you not be full by now you big fat cow.
Chew your cud as the exit is a messy dung pile

Oh, my dearest train station, how I love you
You one cow zoo, where I meditate in your bowels
Only to see the art decor stuff plastered
Everywhere there for all to be distracted and compacted
For the next five O’clock run!

I omitted "That spills into your belly and runs like wet jelly" doesn't fit any rhyme scheme nor do see it's imagery working with the rest. I think the poem works better without it.

My ideas to suggest to this fine poem if i were an editor, which I am not.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I really want to be careful about removing the big fat people with jelly bellies lol
Really want to be careful about removing anything
But I agree to the fullest about the Stanzas just wish they didn't start with the Ode because it's just too typical, yes?
Later,

and,
that's how I see it.

Mark L.

author comment

i mean we use the term "still life" or "portrait" etc. Personally I don't think anythings bad with using Ode to...
Glad you agree about the stanza break ups. Good poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I only wish that it didn't need to come back to the top of the stream for the removal of a period that got by me.
Oh well..
Later,

and,
that's how I see it.

Mark L.

author comment
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