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When we were (REVISED )

Submitted by lovedly on Tue, 2018-05-29 15:47

Reminiscences of the past
come like rivers in a dream
overwhelming and drowning

the past is just time lapsed
the lost petals and leaves
remind one of the hollowness
of days we had to grieve

passed by in isolation
as time bailed on
the roses
the apples
the dry potato chips
lady fingers
wine of sweet grape vine
all did remind
as time merged into oblivion

and

now time has come
to become
a painted picture
on the wall of Time

come from anywhere
Rome Moscow Washington or Sydney
come see the world pass by
alongside with me

don’t question from where we came
where shall one day
we all may be
in Time’s oblivion
simply a sweet
indelible memory

you will cherish it
just wait and see

the clock will continue to click
but perhaps now not for me

no sooner or later also for you
let the newer progeny
of its own make do

once were we

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-05-29 22:08

Eumolpus's picture

and certainly has moments of clarity on the theme of life, death, and passing of time,

For me the poem works best when it has imagery to lead us like the 3rd stanza. I would drop "the
past is awesome" as that implies joyous wonder and the follow up of what the past is in the poem is hardly that. I would not use garland as a verb, as how can one garland a picture on the wall? it's confusing. I'm personally not fond of archaic language of thee and ye unless it's used for irony, which it is not here. The poem is written in modern language and these words feel to me that you are trying to hard to be poetic. Lastly I would either punctuate or not, and drop the comma, as well as the "..." which as I have stated before in your work detracts from the poem. I think a different title would also add some punch to the poem.
but the poem is on to something. It reminds me of the wonderful song "the way we were" sung by
Barbara Streisand.

Mem'ries light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored mem'ries of the way we were
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another for the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we
Mem'ries may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter we will remember
Whenever we remember the way we were
The way we were

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

lovedly

Tue, 2018-05-29 23:00

lovedly's picture

You give me a vast canvas
to re-brush paints
not dried up yet

but it will be an honor still
tomorrow shall do it .
The comparison of this work
by you and Iriz
appears to be an eye opener
and it is
Thanks o noble poet for your invaluable time
Lovedly shall abide
just wait another morrow still
it's past midnite
And name well would need your help may be

REMINISCES

author comment

IRiz

Tue, 2018-05-29 22:34

IRiz's picture
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Sweet lines, your stream of consciousness smells like young apples and first thunderstorms.
Write on!
The last stanza reminded me of the Sonnet 12
Listen to the first line
It is so gorgeous
https://youtu.be/YTCpcarOcDA

IRiz

lovedly

Tue, 2018-05-29 23:07

lovedly's picture

I am deaf you know
but read the words
of the sonnet 12
A Shakespeare I feel I am
as his incarnation could be

Some of my earlier poetry was akin
when I hardly knew him

This world is a stage
we all are men and his toys
he is like a child playing games
like we did in a doll house
when we were young ..

or such a similar one
I composed when I was just 7
that would make it over 7 decades since
Good Night Irene
Goodnight...

Haven't you heard that song
DOBRI NOCHE
DEBYUSKHA

author comment

IRiz

Thu, 2018-05-31 22:08

IRiz's picture
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Gorgeous write, my friend.
Simply beautiful.
I have one more suggestion for the opening stanza

Reminiscences of the past
come like rivers in a dream
overwhelming and drowning

By replacing the last line that way you make the image stronger and you don't need to say that we feel, it is implied that you feel that reminiscence feels like a river and dream and could be overwhelming and powerful

IRiz

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-01 10:53

lovedly's picture

you are ONE 222222 good
done it

author comment

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-01 12:04

IRiz's picture
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hugs hugs hugs

IRiz

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-01 12:22

lovedly's picture

will say w/o ur help
I couldn't write any poetry
let em be
you are the only poet friend
so friendly
how many can be ?
Thanks Irene

author comment

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-01 13:23

IRiz's picture
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There is no ground to say the words.
The wording comes second after the thought.

IRiz

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-01 13:54

lovedly's picture

me
lovedly
emotion is just an inner feeling
thoughts are an issuance
while the words are the kids
born out of such an amalgamation
so said poets before
If I say
yore
many of neo will say
O what a bore
the archaicness is for sure
lovedly yours

Let us not forget
our roots and parentage
our initial seeds
as we cannot forget the basics of our genes
so all neo's you may sprinkle with
thee ye and thou
some how many will finally to thee bow

somehow ego 's clash
for a while after a clash is cast
all subside
egoists in their bareness
as Barons hide

so with lovedly
enjoy a joyous ride
side beside
Why deride

author comment

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-01 14:48

IRiz's picture
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Thank you

IRiz

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-01 15:22

lovedly's picture

a pleasure interacting with a poet like u
free and frank
I have also posted this modified
for the neo poets

who oftenly spill.....
at times arouse

author comment
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