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WHEN WE WERE ALIVE

Between the western hills a glaring eye peered
Leaving a shimmer that lit the golden seas
Between those coconut trees our castle stood
As ignorant as childhood, we honed the world.

Here gigantic ambitions took baby steps
Just like roses, we watched our pollen dreams bloom
In sacred embrace, mushrooms grew in our hearts
True love left her footprints upon the sands of time.

I heard your laughter from the distant future,
Tolling bells called attests to matrimony.
We had a boy, that had my eyes but ya smile
Woke from dreams, we fell in love and skinned our knees.

You had the sun in your eyes in crimson hue
And home was nowhere but those consoling arms
Home; where the feet might leave, but not the heart,
That was yesterday when we were stil alive.

Editing stage: 

Comments

I enjoyed this poem of sweet recollection. Stanza 3 line 2...attests seem the wrong word for some reason, maybe testaments? Last stanza line 2 should be "those consoling arms". But as I said before a most enjoyable poem.......stan

Edited 'those' 'attests' is a deliberate use for witnesses.

Hommies

author comment

as scribbler says. I think the word that you are looking for when you say [simmer] is shimmer. I think that simmer could work if you were talking about the horizon cooking.
~ Geezer.
.

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I'm grateful. I learn a lot of words everyday aand mmost times I'm cconfused wwhich is wwhich 'shimmer' edited

Hommies

author comment

this advice to many people that wish to have a better grasp of English, even those to whom it is their mother language. Get a dictionary! It doesn't have to be brand new. The best ones are probably found at a used book store near a college or school. Then when you are thinking of using an unfamiliar word or one where you are not sure of the spelling, look the word up and then, while you are there, look up all the other words that are connected with it. Example: Abandon - drop, quit, ditch, leave, waive, desert
vacate, discard, forsake, abdicate. You won't remember all of them, but you will have an idea of how to use the word or even if you should use the word the next time it pops up. I am impressed with your ambition an I hope that anything I say or comment on, will be of some help. Keep writing. ~ Geezer.
.

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spoken by a ghost, very strange, imaginative. There's a lot of very good stuff in there, especially the way you connect the title to the closing.
All in all a very unique and haunting poem.

a few distractions for me: honed the world, (feels a bit forced) mushrooms grew in our hearts, (feels a bit to surrealist painting) skinned our knees,(just don't understand that)
and grammar (ya for you)

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I never knew it was poetic injustice to slang despite hhaving the freedom to use words anyhow I want in as much I keep gramartical rules intact

Hommies

author comment

My opinion is no. Unless a whole poem is in slang, or the use of it serves a purpose (satire, irony, humor) , slang will cheapen a poem when the language of the poem is elevated. Your poem is written in poetic imagery and proper grammatical approach, why cheapen it, lower its intensity, with slang.
When I see words like "Coz" or "ya" in a poem they stick out as distractions. They show lack of polish. They are for amateurs. You are not an amateur, Drey.
I am not opposed to slang, I use it...but only where it counts and adds to the logic of a poem. Here it does not.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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