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when the trees will disappear

wide awake in front of open windows
agitating for a breath,
we will run barefoot up until the forest to watch
to our surprise
that the trees aren’t disappeared

but that they have conspired
not to give ever again breath to humans,
especially to the ones who never understood
where life ends and where death begins,
to the ones who have been losing the tree for the forest.

for now, we are losing them both.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

where life ends and where death begins,

Great line, meaningful

Welcome!

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Thank you!

author comment

I am not warming up to the title, because I can't make a connection between the word "tress" and the rest of the poem. I believe you mean "trees" and for someone with your education, that alone was enough to turn me off.
I can appreciate that english may not be your first language, but there are a couple lines that use words that confuse the intent of what you are saying. The words do not complement each other.
I appreciate your effort and hope to see your writing in the english language improve, but it takes careful study and examination of words and their meanings.
I am no english scholar, but I just offer my opinion. Hope it helps.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

Yes, it was a typo! Thank you !

author comment

Arjiris,

I like the concept of this piece. The first stanza captured me as I was scrolling through the stream. I found some of the phrasing and word choices a little awkward but mostly I feel that moving into the second stanza was too hasty. The first stanza opened up with momentum, almost in media res, but it was all over in one breath while the second stanza felt like a resolution or turn. I feel like there might be some exploring to be done between the two.

Enjoyed!

raffy

Thank you!!

author comment
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