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When Nightingales Sing

Submitted by Geremia on Thu, 2015-10-01 23:07

When Nightingales Sing

Tear my heart apart
let my soul languish
in loneliness.
Let my words die
in the making
as they fade into
nothingness,

I am the nightingale
who sings its melancholy
at twilight
unheard, unseen
hidden in the morning mist
mesmerized
by the Beauty of its
Music
deaf to a voice
grown old
grown weak
and dying

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-10-02 19:25

Sparrow's picture
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This could be really good there are some flow problems in there:-
who sings its melancholy
at twilight
Past present words flow yes but they need to be in the same time.
Take care young man, Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Geremia

Sat, 2015-10-03 09:07

Geremia's picture

Thanks , Ian. I don't see where I used he present perfect. I think was consistent with present tense. I will take another look/

Thank you for reading me, Ian.

Joe

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lovedly

Fri, 2015-10-02 20:01

lovedly's picture

sings but is amiss
death is not
yet 'tisn't yet
it
the nightingales voice
does fit

Geremia

Sat, 2015-10-03 09:00

Geremia's picture

Thank you. my friend ..Beieve me there are far worse things than death, But I will keep singing, if not for all to hear, but a few or non
[ you understand the message of the poem? ]

joe

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lovedly

Sat, 2015-10-03 12:05

lovedly's picture

yes by now i do
as so much time
I give to you

your endurance shall be an example
for ordinary folks like me and you
so all I say give
me time too
To pray for folks
poetic
magnetic
sympathetic
empathatic
(empathy ie)
like you
give me time

Geremia

Sat, 2015-10-03 12:09

Geremia's picture

insightful observation.

joe

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lovedly

Mon, 2015-10-05 00:55

lovedly's picture

hope u will read gems
converted as germs
by Jess
poetry is not for all
some appreciate many fall
that's what poetry is
about after all
ain't it Joe!

Geremia

Mon, 2015-10-05 07:07

Geremia's picture

Dear friend,
of course you are right. NEOPOET may not be the venue for me. You know that I had made a decision not to write, BUT I need to keep my mind sharp I am already showing signs of a dementia due to my disease, and writing is a good mental exercise, Having said that, my poetry doesn't appeal to most and I need to accept that It is always nice to receive validation from fellow poets;. you know that. It is discouraging to be passed over; yet I am fighting other battles which I am losing. So validation of my poetry is last on my list.

Jess and I don't necessarily agree what ''poetry"" should be; but I respect his critiques; I may not always agree with him, but I do see his point of view. I have also learned so much from him as well.

Thank you for reading me. keep well.

joe

P.S. I have unpublished what ""lngers"" too long on the sjte.

author comment

Sparrow

Mon, 2015-10-05 18:29

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Whatever you have done to his piece it now reads great and is a tribute to your understandings,
Yours, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Geremia

Mon, 2015-10-05 18:35

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Thanks, Ian. I like this one.

joe

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