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WHEN IT RAINS IN ABA

The slender gutters gain bumper tide,
A seeming steaming rush streaming down,
With it the world's refuse in the ride,
A frumpy and dirty garbage town.

Empty bottles and cans in voyage still,
Floated bags of faeces from homeless folks,
That burst to tend the air a stenchy feel;
The show highlights this government sucks.

Clad children cue to celebrate nature's cool,
Cower in ignorance's 'bles-sed' bliss,
Some hearts so pure washing in a stinky pool,
A happy bathe when watchful eyes fall amiss.

It breaks the heart more than a cheating wife
When it rains in Aba it sheds a tattered life.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'm happy u relate. I'm glad tthat you see through my lens. My country is a shithole of excessively rich politicians while the masses can't get basic amenities

Hommies

author comment

I am happy you had a good time and thanks for the correction...

Hommies

author comment

and powerful images. The rhymes work effortlessly. I like the language, it feels natural.

Drey I just would add the meter is not consistent. It's not that it has to be sing songy, (da-Dat da Dat da Dat) but in like:

Some hearts so pure washing in a stinky pool,
A happy bathe when watchful eyes fall amiss.

i find it hard to find the beat. There are a few spots in the poem this is the case for me.

keep writing those sonnets, a great vehicle for you!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I'll rectify them...

Hommies

author comment
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