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When I am Hurt

I wish I could go back to the day
(way of loving so pure and true)
day when it was an innocent way
(true that it was so long ago with you)

I wish to hear sweetness in your voice
(choice about life was not then ours)
voice from gut feelings never a choice
(ours was passing like velvet flowers)

I wish to forget how you hurt me today
(do anything for you in the here and now)
today when I knew no more to say
(now I could only face in hands bow)

I wish that love meant never to be hurt
(flirt I see took the seat of age)
hurt from the voice that was once silly flirt
(age that brought us to this sad, sad stage)

I wish just once you could feel confused inside
(inside feel the punch from your very own pride)

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

some kind of rhyming pattern here or is it just coincidence that I see the same words in different positions in previous lines?
At any rate, I like the theme and understand where it comes from; having been there myself. I think that in true love, it will generally work itself out. I do think that you could use a couple of commas to give the proper pauses to some lines, but overall, a good solid poem. ~ Geez.
.

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Yes I did overlook the punctuation for a later date. The rhyme is intentional and was moved later to every other line. I called it a rough draft.
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Later,

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

author comment

Hi, Mark,
This poem seems painful, even more so as I see it is for the Seeing Things Differently contest. Looking back on the past does bring different feelings and points of view. Very nice. Good luck!
Thank you,
L

I believe over time that attitudes change because we do.
Later,

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

author comment

Hello Mark, nice to meet you.

I admire the ambition of what you have done with the repetitive rhyme words.
But it seems to sometimes result in ungrammatical or confusing phrasing. Maybe, it's a constraint too far.
The capitalisation of each line and the lack of punctuation add to the confusion.

just my thoughts.................PJ

Yes, I went too far with the confusion at the moment of the hurting feeling.
I will be cleaning it up but will keep as much confusion as my logic allows.
Sorry for the edit but I tried to give it more logic. The overuse of rhyme will stay though, it's a pattern.

Thanks and nice to see you,

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

author comment

The pain in this poem bleeds through and I have been there a time or two

Chrys

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The worst is
when nearest one's
directly or indirectly hurt
no tears can wipe off the dirt
even wiping strikingly hurts

But then
we all are genetic beings,
in a linear fashion
genes are transformed
from father to son
thus hurts by anyone
matters

sad but good verse

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