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When the Curtains Fall

When the day washes into the sea,
you dance all about with fire sparks
in pastures of sleepy fog minds
where twilight daisies are found
reaching for thought’s vivid actions
of pirouettes as spinning toy tops.

Visions of you are whispered, love,
do not awaken from lightless skies
but feel comfort bringing desire
and unfamiliar cravings into being.

Nighttime child, frantic, turn and moan;
solitude from daytime’s obsolete ire.
Through frenzied smoke to barefoot innocence
You become sunshine against the night.

Fall to a place above dream clouds
where forest crowns pillow you softly.
May this be the home you so deserve.

Turn once more to finally reach calm.
All the stone memories have tumbled down.
The roof has vanished and there is no house.
Your spirit sets free to wander the skies
behind the curtains of lovers and dreamers
where hearts mend, break and mend again…

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

and a belated welcome to Neopoet.
I am struck by the fact that no one has commented on this piece, because it's quite beautiful, a flowing pattern of words that are simple yet evocative. You really have captured the Muse of Dream well, sir.
My only criticism is that the cadence is a little choppy in places, making me hesitate at certain points.
But I love the feeling of this piece, it's sense of wonder and mystery and quiet smoothness. I think an edit for cadence would improve your poem...although not by very much. Try reading it out loud; you should hit the spots that break, I think.
Most excellent, thank you for posting.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Great to see you around !
The critiques are well advanced and I bet that cadence (one thing I did not concern myself with) is something I bet they thought that I knew better.
I will certainly have a good look at it and take your advice.

~Mark~

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