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When Autumn Leaves (october contest)

One of my wishes still vivid in mind
Is of Autumn nights with your hands so kind
And kisses among musty leaves
Return from beyond choppy seas

Clear as ringing from the schoolhouse bell
Wondrous you as a southern ...'belle'..
We rolled within windbreakers blue
It was only our existence that we knew

We didn’t know time an Impale stake
Would kill it all for another’s sake
Your tears rolled down that innocent face
There was anger in our 'hood - loss of grace

Now I only have, for us, one wish left:
Our Autumn color gone by theft
Come back full blossom in our end
To deal with hardships evil did send

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

I like the theme and have copied and pasted this for another look.
The flow is near fine but if you don't mind I would like to play,
but no time at this moment.
To me it has a couple of things to talk about.
Yours Ian

Words can build a nation

Have fun.
I'm still looking at the meter.
Just don't enter it in the contest lol
Later,

~Mark~

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author comment

I will play and send to you only lol.
Take care and have a great day every day.
Yours Ian ..

PS:- I will stream my entry for second place as always lol

Words can build a nation

Your re-write has made this a very good piece,
I will try and find time to put my impression on this theme,
Take care, I wish more poets would start to comment.
It helps the author and it also helps the reader,
Just can't understand why others are like this seems rather self centred.
Take care, Yours as always, Ian

Words can build a nation

That's great to know.
Later,

~Mark~

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author comment

I am on similar lines

can you guide please
NO ONE HERE CAN EVER BEAT
THY POETRY

'''our third one should
by next October be due
what a lovely autumn it will be
can you imagine like me'''

I liked this but in a few places the rhyme seems a bit forced

lol ok

~Mark~

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author comment

I think rhyming "bell" with "belle" is a bit of a cop-out, don't you?

Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

it worked..

~Mark~

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author comment

No, it didn't work.

Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Why?

~Mark~

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author comment

Because you can't have two words which are the same as rhymes.

Look how silly this would look:-

I sat with my mother in the hall
It was a funny kind of hall
I was sitting on a chair
It was a very comfy sort of chair.

And since we are talking of rhymes.... "leaves" not NOT rhyme with "seas " - unless you have a very serious and rather unusual speech impediment.

Yeeha.

Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

It was a good lesson.
Would you like the 25 dollar gift certificate? I would be more than happy to send you what you like from Amazon.
Let me know please.
On the poetry though, Jesus said decide. I made my choice and sometimes I do wish I could have more opportunity to be a poet but I do the best that I can.
Thanks and do let me know,

~Mark~

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author comment

But it's nearly always in vain.

Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

I enjoy good rhyme (some time). Sometimes to make a word work you have to use the same.......word. To find a word to rhyme with 'write' you may need to use.......right (All right?)
I'll give you an ample........example!

Clear as ringing from the schoolhouse bell
Wondrous you as a southern........belle.

My dotty artwork tells the reader that you have thought carefully about what you are saying and, yes, that's what you intend to say. Also it tells the narrator to pause after 'southern' (maybe shrug his shoulders) then hit you with 'belle'.

Of course you (and Edna) may not agree with me as it's just a thought from an old man who is.......old.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

But it being a true story 'belle' was accurate even though as end rhymes they are not so good.
It did pretty good in the competition.
Both you and Edna need to compete as well in our monthly contests.
Thanks Alan,

~Mark~

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author comment
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