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What She Said

why put my body in a heavenly context
if you watch me shower from the bed
and think it beautiful
why disguise me in vain ritual

my name is not Eurydice
my breasts are round
my mouth a blossoming rose
my sex a secret best

veil me in poetry & I am still your beloved
why share the secret with the world
if I die will your mouth be silent
will the poet follow me into oblivion

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

why put my body in a heavenly context
if you watch me shower from the bed
and think it (is?) beautiful
why disguise me in vain ritual

Here she asks your to accept her down-to-earth being

my name is not Eurydice

Here she believes you can't raise her from the deadby your poetry, correct?

my breasts are round
my mouth a blossoming rose

Here she describes her beauty

my sex a secret best

This line I don't understand.

veil me in poetry

Here she asks for your simple not heavenly poetic words

& I am still your beloved

I don't understand why do you say still

why share the secret with the world
if I die will your mouth be silent
will the poet follow me into oblivion

I am lost here, thinking that she doesn't want your poetry to come out and wants your words to die with her?

The flow is good. The language is consistent throughout. You made a fair effort to use a female voice. It is difficult for a man.
So I wrote a version of your poem.

Here it is:

I hate to be left on the dusty shelf
among Homer, Plato
and old photographs
of your young parents.

If you watch me in the shower,
come to me.
If you have words for me,
say them.

If you think I am beautiful,
my breasts and my mouth
calling for you,
come and tell me about it.

My name is not Eurydice.
When I die you will not raise me
watever power you have.
Use your voice now.

Before we are both dead
and forgotten for good,
come to me.

I hope that is what you meant her to say.

IRiz

first of all I like your poem better but its not quite what I wanted to say. it all lies in the first lines: "why put my body in a heavenly context" she doesn't want to be seen in a poetic or romantic context but rather in a practical sense. Of course you must know this doesn't portray all women because all women just like men are different who have different personal qualities. the last line is a question will you follow me into death, or the next life whatever waits for us. again: "why disguise me in vain ritual" or in beautiful lines of poetry. why tell me I am beautiful does it really matter. a breast is a breast, a mouth is a mouth. "my sex is a secret best" take me for what I am. love me for who I am. the reference to Eurydice really is to pave the way toward the last line because Orpheus followed his beloved into the underworld to retrieve her he lost her because he could not prevent himself from looking back on her before returning to the human plane. really it is quite simple the woman portrayed in the poem wants to be seen as an ordinary human being in a practical sense. really what is missing is the moral careful for placing (her) on too high a plateaux. its wise not to do so for hearts can be broken quite easily. I realise I wasn't clear on many of these elements. thanks for your interesting points raised. and for taking the time.

John

author comment

veil me in poetry & I am still your beloved
why share the secret with the world
if I die will your mouth be silent
will the poet follow me into oblivion

this stanza is a poem by itself..
..........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

thanks you so much Mr Raj I'm glad those words spoke to you

author comment

I agree with Raj

IRiz

i think this piece is amazing . him watching you shower from the bed and you not being Eurydice and he not being orpheus gives it this work mystical feel

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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actually I was trying to see from her perspective. I'm male and heterosexual but I like to experiment by writing from different aspects thanks for your kindness

author comment

it was a joy to read

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
https://pixiblogs.blacpixi.com/

I think she's a little vixen, loves the looks and the words. Seriously I like this a lot, natural statement and flow.. Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

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