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What Price Independance? (A Debate) ~ Idle Time Workshop

"What price independance?"  Confounded, ask I,
"Four years civil war!"  You proudly reply;
"Along with the death of so many brave men",

"Ah! now I follow ~ a sound bargain then.

Independance seek we,
For this land to be free;
A home to re-forge
And be rid of King George.
A war to relax
The payment of tax
Till the bitter last breath ~
So we fight to the death.

Who are you to say
Red coats  "On your way!"
Who gave you the right
To uprise and fight?
With a king at your head
No more need be said.
Return to your farms
And lay down your arms.

The king has no heart
(A sea width apart)
To favour this land
And offer his hand.
So fight you we will
For better or ill;
Each man, every town
Shall stand 'gainst the crown.

So you'll fight till you win
Alongside your kin,
Rebellion your tool
To strive for home rule.
But eighty years on
The peace will be gone
And the cost, all the more,
Must be civil war.

 

 

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
In the recent 'Titles Workshop' my friend Geezer and I talked of poems which included a prologue. Here is a poem which is a debate, in alternate stanzas, which is introduced by a prologue. Another of my friends, Mark (I have many friends), wrote a fine piece to be included in this 'Idle Time' workshop in which he leaves us with a 'What if?' question to debate. Compliments to all at Neo, Alan.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

definitely worthy of being in top posts in the workshop..

all the best..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Maybe something to think about?

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

The debate is well said and the final rebuke, is a kind of I told you so. Nice job. ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I (and others I know) consider the Civil War to be one of the worst wars in history. What a terrible time it must have been for your countrymen. I wonder if it would have happened if the revolution had failed 3 generations earlier. Now there's a question for you to think about.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

Flawless as always
wow this poem is amazing v ery stirring

Our chat room is not only there for Thursday afternoon chat 3:30-4:30
but it is there and ready for all to use at anytime of day come often and hook up in conversation to those across the globe

Just a thought so I wrote it down.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

I read it twice and although I found a few places where things could have been said differently those differences would not have made it better. In your AN I see you referenced prologues in poetry. I have but a single poem with a prologue (Laurel Creek) but I think if well thought out a prologue can bring a lot to the understanding of a poem

I may look over the poem again and look for improvements. A prologue is sometimes useful ~ if an editor wants to publish and needs the space he can drop the prologue (hopefully) without spoiling the body of the piece.
Thanks for drawing my attention to 'Laurel Creek'. I have read it and enjoyed.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

So forgive me for butting in here, after reading this poem many times and not being in this workshop,

So a fight to the death, I cannot stop thinking it would be more strong if you use we?

So we fight to the death

And your last lines
Must be civil war, but what if you try

Now comes, civil war.

Forgive my ignorance as I know very little on this subject.
In any case a fine poem and proof that
History repeats over and over.

Excellent and thought provoking.

Thank you...Teddy

Your comms are always welcome. I will change L8 as you suggest and see how it looks, so thanks for that.
I think that the ultimate line should remain unchanged though. The poem's narrative is contemporary to the Declaration of Independence and not to 1861.
The 'message' is if the colony had not gained independence would the later Civil War have been fought? or, if you like, if the allied forces had not 'triumphed' in WWI would WWII have occurred?
You can have an inner war with yourself thinking about it.

By the way Teddy there is still time to sign up for the workshop.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Inner war with myself, yes, I thought it was similar to the Spanish war, lol

Hey you are always gracious and I knew if nothing else I could learn, even from your reply which you did not disapoint. I'm not so old and have so much to learn, you sent me even to Google, I am honoured if you think my thoughts worthy of changing even one word as for my thoughts of your work sir, you are a poet to admire. Tonight I shall sleep with a smile!

If I couldn't challenge you at least how could I learn?
I hope to hold my own workshop someday on neo so I am keeping my eyes sharpened to this one.

Thank you...Teddy

Be sure to awaken tomorrow with the very same smile.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Hello, Alan,
Lots to think about, here. War seems to have a ripple effect that eventually transcends into another war - and soon we are fighting brother against brother, each side claiming to be morally correct and sound. The Civil War must have felt like the end of the world, and yet the debate lives on. Great prologue poem.
Thank you!
L

Thanks for reading and how right you are. War seems to settle nothing other than to lead to another war further down the line. Therefore each war is a cancer which grows to destroy a future generation. And yes, try to imagine fighting your own countrymen on your own soil ~ soil which your forefathers fought for so that you could be free.

There is still time for yourself, also, to join this workshop.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

I will give this workshop some thought. I recently moved, and my brain cells are a bit scattered like my belongings!
Thank you!
L

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