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FOR WHAT ONE ASKS
She used to fuss at him about
muddy boots and sawdust on the couch
how he forgot to take the garbage out
and hugs so strong that she'd say ouch
His hunting stuff strewn all around
(except when it was time to fish)
too oft he'd chase a baying hound
when calm and quiet was her wish
All those evenings by the fire
he'd scribble out his silly lines
about nature, loss and hot desire
when, with her, he should be sipping wines
Sweat stains on his favorite chair
watching the season's college game
the way he'd sniff her fresh washed hair
a life lived, by the most, untamed
Now she has her neat clean home
no games on and quiet as a mouse
no scraps of uncompleted tomes
not one thing about which she might grouse
Although she now has all her way
she still remembers how she cried
on that dark and dreary day
when her loving poet died
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2012-03-05 20:07
Be careful...
what you wish for. I liked everything about this one. As per usual, the rhythm and pacing were great, with just a couple of little bobbles.You know I love the themes you come up with. Title is ok, and the beginning and ending is right on the money. I think I might have done a little different with a few lines, but overall, a good work.
1] I would have written; but with her, he should be sampling wines
2] I think you forgot the [d] on the end of live[d].
I would hope that she did have the sense to tell him how much she cared about him before he was gone.
Good story as always, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Mon, 2012-03-05 21:55
Hi Gee
Thanks for such kind comment and suggestion (I'll fix typo now) ...........stan
author commentEduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-03-05 22:16
Stan, Stan,
I thinketh the workshop
did do you harm
I like this a lot,
but I tripped in the middle of lines.
the ending seem just fine.
why'd you cut off sentences,
or was to save time,
maybe it was to rhyme
don't mind me, i think i loss my mind
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
scribbler
Tue, 2012-03-06 06:53
Hi Eddie
Most shops require me to think whick strains brain and results in headache lol.I'll look back over the middle stuff and see what I can do with it. Thanks for the visit................stan
author comment