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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RANDOMLY SEARCHING THRU MY METHODICAL RAMBLING
IN HOPES TO FIND THE CREATOR OF ALL THAT IS
I START TO NOTICE MY SURROUNDINGS
WITH A SUDDEN URGENCY
THAT HOLDS THE ABILITY
TO DRASTICALLY CONTAMINATE
THE SESS POOL OF HUMANITY

GIVING OFF THE ALL CONSUMING FEELING
OF BEING SWALLOWED
ALIVE
MY CLAUSTROPHOBIC ANXIETIES CHURNING DEEP WITHIN BEGIN ITS RACE FROM MY CORE
TRAVELING AT FULL THROTTLE
UNTIL RELEASED WITHOUT REMORSE
ONTO MY CONCIOUSNESS

EVAPORATING THE WILL TO WRESTLE THE TALONS CLENCHED AROUND MY THROAT
PARALYSIS TAKES CONTROL
WHILE MY STOMACHE CONTRACTS WITH FEAR
OF ALL THAT IS UNKNOWN TO ME

DEMANDING TO BE HEARD
MY INNER SELVES COMBINE
ALL THEIR INDIVIDUAL STRENGTHS
TO BETTER THE CONSPIRACY
BEING PLOTTED AGAINST ME
AS WE SPEAK

LEFT HOPELESSLY HELPLESS
I HAVE NO DEFENSIVE CAPABILITIES
NO HOPE FOR SURVIVAL OF MY SANITY IS EXPECTED

HAVING TO GREET THIS SITUATION I DIVIDE
DEEPER INTO THE CATASTROPHY
THAT LAYS IN WAIT
DEVISE A STRATEGICALLY INEPT VERSION
OF THE MECHANISMS I AM CURRENTLY LACKING

TRUDGING FOR THE 1ST TIME IN MY LIFE
MY HEAD HANGS LOW
THE REALIZATION OF THE SERIOUSNESS
IN MY UNIQUE SITUATION IS FULLY PROCESSED

MY EYES GLAZE OVER
MY VISION TURNS RED

DEMONS FIGHTING
OVER MY BARELY BREATHING BODY
SO CONSUMED IN THEIR ARGUMENT
LOOSEN THE GRIP
OF THEIR TALONS FROM AROUND MY THROAT
JUST ENOUGH FOR ME TO

INHA--------LE

A BREATH SO DEEP IT AWAKENS IN ME
WHAT I THOUGHT
WAS EXECUTED FROM THE INTRODUCTION
TO THIS PARALLEL UNIVERSE
{ THAT EERILY REMINDS ME OF ** THE TWILIGHT ZONE ** }
ROUSING IN ME THE AVID LOVE
FROM THE FIGHT I SO ENJOY

MY OWN STRENGTH BEGINS TO GATHER
FROM THE HIDING PLACES THAT WERE SOUGHT
AS I REGAIN MORE CONTROL
SILENTLY

THERE IS NO TRACE OF THE
ALL-CONSUMING PARALYSIS
THAT ONCE HELD ME PRISONER

MOBILITY IS AN OPTION AGAIN
ATTACK IS INEVITABLE
DEFEAT IS GUARANTEED
I AM LEFT BUT TO WONDER
WHICH IS GOING TO WIN ?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
In need of guidance on form for this one it was written in a continuing thought so I did the best I could with what little I know on the subject of form
Editing stage: 

Comments

I would like to come back to this to read it again. First of all it is all in caps. Did you mean to shout it? Secondly you can do away with some of the filler words. I do not have the time tonight to try and work on this as it does need some work. See what you can do and try to eliminate some of it without losing thoughts. If you like I can come back and see what I can do with it. I always like to leave food for thought and let the poet try to work on it first.

By the I am an old past timer here:) Nice to meet you. I like how you get your feelings out here and you can say less and still get your message across. Do away with the caps. In my opinions only:)

Just saying... I will be back

Mona

I did a quick retake and hope you can see some of my suggests. I put them in lower caps and some in question brackets..

This is a long prose poem and need some work. I will try to get back to it. I wish we could highlight the area where I made suggestions or omits. You tell me what you think. I know you need to work on the format and that will come with time as well. Practice Practice Practice and do not give up. It will get easier as you focus on your writing and get your point across.

Mona

RANDOMLY SEARCHING THRough MY METHODICAL RAMBLING
IN HOPES TO FIND THE CREATOR OF ALL THAT IS
I START TO NOTICE MY SURROUNDINGS
WITH A SUDDEN URGENCY
THAT HOLDS my ABILITY
TO DRASTICALLY CONTAMINATE
THE cess POOL OF HUMANITY
GIVING OFF THE ALL CONSUMING FEELING
OF BEING SWALLOWED
ALIVE

MY CLAUSTROPHOBIC ANXIETIES CHURN DEEPer WITHIN me
BEGINning it's RACE FROM MY CORE
TRAVELING AT FULL THROTTLE
UNTIL the RELEASE WITHOUT REMORSE
ONTO MY CONCIOUSNESS
EVAPORATING THE WILL TO WRESTLE THE TALONS
CLENCHED AROUND MY THROAT
PARALYSIS TAKES it's CONTROL
WHILE MY STOMACHE CONTRACTS WITH FEAR
OF ALL THAT IS UNKNOWN TO ME

DEMANDING TO BE HEARD
MY INNER-SELVES COMBINE (inner self?)
ALL THEIR INDIVIDUAL STRENGTHS
TO BETTER THE CONSPIRACY
BEING PLOTTED AGAINST ME
_____omit this line here? AS WE SPEAK
LEFT HOPELESSLY HELPLESS
Having no DEFENSIVE CAPABILITIES
NO HOPE FOR SURVIVAL
MY SANITY IS EXPECTED
HAVING TO GREET THIS SITUATION
I DIVIDE
DEEPER INTO THE CATASTROPHY
THAT LAYS IN WAIT

DEVISE A STRATEGICALLY INEPT VERSION
OF THE MECHANISMS I AM CURRENTLY LACKING
TRUDGING FOR THE (first) 1ST TIME IN MY LIFE
MY HEAD HANGing low
THE REALIZATION OF THE SERIOUSNESS
IN MY UNIQUE SITUATION IS FULLY PROCESSED
MY EYES GLAZE OVER
MY VISION TURNS RED

DEMONS FIGHTING
OVER MY BARELY BREATHING BODY
SO CONSUMED IN THEIR ARGUMENT
LOOSEN THE GRIP
OF THEIR TALONS FROM AROUND MY THROAT
JUST ENOUGH FOR ME TO
INHALE
A BREATH SO DEEP IT AWAKENS IN ME
WHAT I THOUGHT
WAS EXECUTED FROM THE INTRODUCTION
TO THIS PARALLEL UNIVERSE
{ THAT EERILY REMINDS ME OF ** THE TWILIGHT ZONE ** } (omit this line?)

ROUSING IN ME THE AVID LOVE
FROM THE FIGHT I SO ENJOY
MY OWN STRENGTH BEGINS TO GATHER
FROM THE HIDING PLACES THAT WERE SOUGHT
AS I REGAIN MORE CONTROL
SILENTLY
THERE IS NO TRACE OF THE
ALL-CONSUMING PARALYSIS
THAT ONCE HELD ME PRISONER
MOBILITY IS AN OPTION AGAIN
ATTACK IS INEVITABLE
DEFEAT IS GUARANTEED

I AM LEFT BUT TO WONDER
WHICH IS GOING TO WIN ?

A fight with your inner selves or self? The battle of you and IT? I will read again and wait to see you work this out some.

Blessings

Thank you!! I wrote this more recently
and didn't expect to put it out so soon. it actually was me writing to myself.
The reason for INNER SELVES is that I am bi-polar with
multiple personality
I accepted that at a young age and have come to DEPEND
on them to always be there
My kids(2 16yr boys n 1 23month old boy) also accept all of me.
As for the all caps .. I copied it from my comp. notebook and didn't have the time to rewrite the whole thing but will most definitly do that. I concentrated on where to break at the most and became stuck in an internal debate on the right places
I appreciate the advise/help ur giving me ! I will work on it tonite while the little ones are sleeping
THANK YOU again

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

author comment

I understand, thank you. Sounds like you have a full plate as well. It is great therapy to write. Do you keep a journal? It is good to look back on your older works as you learn ahead.

I did not know if this was quite a poem, as it is really long. I had said earlier you may want to break it up in smaller doses. I do not take the liberty to tell you what to do here at Neopoet or anyone else. I will only make suggestions. I never force any poet to change anything as I only try to assist with this process.

Other than that I will be back. I will be checking on your work, so don't think I am too picky.
Mona

I will not read a poem in caps. Don't shout at me!

So I decided to help you out. Here it is in lower case with spelling fixed. Feel free to copy and paste it in as an edit. I also made some small changes. [ ] brackets indicate where I did it.

Randomly searching [through]my methodical rambling
in hopes to find the creator of all that is
I start to notice my surroundings
with a sudden urgency
that holds the ability
to drastically contaminate
the cesspool of humanity

Giving off the all consuming feeling
of being swallowed
alive
my claustrophobic anxieties churning deep within begin [their] race from my core
traveling at full throttle
until released without remorse
onto my consciousness

Evaporating the will to wrestle the talons clenched around my throat
paralysis takes control
while my stomach contracts with fear
of all that is unknown to me

Demanding to be heard
my inner selves combine
all their individual strengths
to better the conspiracy
being plotted against me
as we speak

Left hopelessly helpless
i have no defensive capabilities
no hope for survival of my sanity is expected

Having to greet this situation I divide
deeper into the catastrophe
that lays in wait
devise a strategically inept version
of the mechanisms I am currently lacking

Trudging for the first time in my life
my head hangs low
the realization of the seriousness
in my unique situation is fully processed

My eyes glaze over
my vision turns red

Demons fighting
over my barely breathing body
so consumed in their argument
loosen the grip
of their talons from around my throat
just enough for me to

[Inhaaaaale]

A breath so deep it awakens in me
what I thought
was executed from the introduction
to this parallel universe
{ that eerily reminds me of ** the twilight zone ** } [change the { to ( and ** to "]
rousing in me the avid love
[for] the fight I so enjoy

My own strength begins to gather
from the hiding places that were sought
as I regain more control
silently

There is no trace of the
all-consuming paralysis
that once held me prisoner

Mobility is an option again
attack is inevitable
defeat is guaranteed
i am left but to wonder
which is going to win ?

[if defeat is guaranteed where is the wonder of which wins?]
perhaps

Mobility is an option again
attack is inevitable
defeat is possible
i have no question
which is going to win.

[question endings are weak,
a strong ending fits the spirit of the poem]

.
.
.
Thanks again, love the poem

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I have a problem with writing things in all caps and not realising that people take it as yelling .. I didn't have the time to change it when I copied it .. apologies .. Thanx for taking time to do this .. I may seem like a dope but I JUST learned how to copy and paste a few days ago .. I know sad but true lol .. I've been trying to refuse this technological world I am stuck in .. I would be perfectly happy with living in a world where tv is watching the kids play dress-up and put on a show, where communication is writing on paper instead of this contraption .. I could go on but why bother .. Thanx for the NO FUCKING WAY!! Most ppl take it as insults but in MY WORLD FUCK U means I LOVE U .. Ask my kids lol ..

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

author comment

type all in caps if you want. Then select all text and hold Shift and hit F3, once for all lowercase, twice to Cap sentence starts.
The do a Search and Replace
Search [space] i [space]
Replace [space] I [space]
That capitalises your 'I's

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

ps .. The line I am left but to wonder which is going to win?
I fight with internal debates more than anyone or anything else .. I stand divided between what I SHOULD be thinking and what I WANT to think .. never really know which will win til my mouth opens and someone speaks

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

author comment

that's a good start.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

There is a word for people who have inner conflicts.....................humans.........stan

Completely! The dizzying quality of my internal debates leaves me feeling .. Well to simplify .. I am frequent in INTERNAL MEDIATION ..
When everyone within decides to combine forces against me I
more often than not, lose the deciding vote .. I occassionaly am forced into hibernation while they fight over whos in control .. but I would't change a thing

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

author comment
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