Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

WE'LL BE FREE

We'll be free!
One day we'll be free!
We'll be free,
When Mississippi merges with Nile.

We'll be free!
One day we'll be free!
We'll be free,
When we grow heads,
And head ahead of Race;
As we race, and Race is grazed,
With humans replaced,
In place of 'Grace' 'Reason' replaced...

We'll be free,
When we stop searching for God,
But build on the strength of his absence.
When we stop looking at these chains,
that do not bind,
but to Religion that truly blinds,
And to Beliefs that mislead and enslave,
We'll be free!

We'll be free,
When my poems are taught in schools,
And my mind is seen with glasses,
As I project the future that
You carnival on the chars of this charade.
One day we'll be free!

We'll be free,
When Africa is extinct,
And Europe extinguished,
When America and Asia is dusted,
And the Volcano stops drifting our fragments apart,
One day we'll be free!

We'll be free,
When we die to live again,
Than we live to die with this vain hope
of a bliss paradise or in the torment of a gory furnace....

When we're raised ahead of Christ,
We'll be free!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
With hope that the world will unite looking beyond race, religion and skin color, without this we're all still slaves even without chains...
Editing stage: 

Comments

I love the way you engage the reader with passion and exclamation points. The first stanza offers us a very surrealist image to put together when all the rivers of the world become one. Symbolically this works, but in one way I am thinking this real connection is suggesting we will never be free, as those two rivers will never actually join...so a bit of a paradox.
I do not like the second stanza, as growing heads is not an image I can wrap my head around..
The third stanza begins with

We'll be free,
When we stop searching for God, rebirth, and
But build on the strength of his absence.

Bravo! Now that is one of the best lines I've read ever. It has a universe of meaning and is so elegantly stated. I will quote it forever. It is very grounded but loses its power with the follow-up explanation of the corruption of truth by religion.

The rest of the poem about your poetry, continents, rebirth, Christ... a bit too choppy for me. This is a very strong idea, and I do think you can approach it as a list poem with different takes, some surreal and others not, but it takes a lot of control to keep it under one roof. I would keep at it. as usual, you have great presence and power in your presentation.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

A work of great power, passion and scope.
The biggest crit he also made- that joining those rivers does not quite work as a metaphor.

Bloody fine work, sir.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

"When we grow heads,
And head ahead of race;
As we race, and race is grazed,
With humans replaced,
In place of Grace Reason replaced..."

Here I used puns where 'race is grazed' = racism erased & replaced with humans (as humans in my context should be 'humane'.) In place of believing the survival of humans depends on divine 'Grace' we should instead replace the mindset with 'Reason'.

Hommies

author comment

Hi Drey. This is indeed a passionate write on the many things which keep people separated in ideals. There is one thing I'd suggest. With the often repeated line of "we'll be free" perhaps having the same line as title is overkill. Maybe something like"when we're free" or some such......stan

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.