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Welcome The Rain

Submitted by alidzain on Sat, 2016-03-05 11:18

Curse not the rain
when you need its sustenance
to quench your thirst
and wash away your dirt.

Each droplet of heavenly tears
is a blessing for all that lives
under the endless stretch of the sky.

When it returns to you,
welcome it with a smile
for it keeps you fresh
to dance with life.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Seren

Sat, 2016-03-05 12:58

Seren's picture

I think this is a really lovely write but I have one niggle .. that end line .. circle of life .. is so overused I would love to see you come up with a different way of saying the same thing like

It keeps you fresh
as you burn in light/life

got to really have an end line that has punch that finishes it off as a poem and doesn't just leave the reader with an oft heard turn of phrase, which that is ... I've used it in the middle of poems in the past but never as an end line that I can remember lol 7000 poems I'm bound to have forgotten a few ;)

Making me want more rain haven't had much at all this summer
Love and big hugs Jayne

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

alidzain

Sat, 2016-03-05 13:07

alidzain's picture

what do you think about the edit?

lots of love and hus
Alid

author comment

Seren

Sat, 2016-03-05 13:14

Seren's picture

Much better hon !!! I really think that adds to the poem

Takes it up and away from that mundane phrase

Others might not agree but how many times have you seen or heard circle of life ?

Nice work hon let me know what.you think of my newest definitely not a sad poem lol !!! Haha

Love Jayne x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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