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A Wedding Poem

Submitted by chevyvent on Tue, 2016-10-25 19:09

A Wedding Poem

It took us both a lifetime,

This is in order to arrive at this present time...
Slowly, we both walked down that long awaited isle,
Now it's hand in hand together...
For when I look into your beautiful eyes,

Suddenly, then I see my future...

A future that's filled with both blessing and promise,
With this one solemn vow that we both had taken together...
Along with a lifetime that's filled,
With melodic happy endeavor's...

My ring for you is a symbol of everlasting love,
As if a white dove was released...
Into the heaven's above !
Let us long to recapture,

Our true love toward one another...
As if a beacon of light to a hurting world in need.
I'll gladly share a red rose
As we meet hand in hand...

Just then a tear drop fell from my cheek,
Along with a very soft love embrace...
This only a chosen few would treasure,
What will slow us from this amazing endeavor ?

From one hand to hold a heart will mend
Let us never depart !

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

themoonman

Wed, 2016-10-26 06:24

themoonman's picture
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Glad to meet you. Your poem, although great
content, seems a little over done. Love poems
are extremely hard to do with any originality, it's
all been done before and it makes most of it
cliche.

Good title, could improve poetic language by removing
some demonstratives (this,that,these, those). I could
not find a rhythm, read it twice out loud.
You seem to shift between past tense and present,
or was that just me?

These are only suggestions, this is your poem to do
with as you see fit.

Welcome to the site,
Richard

chevyvent

Wed, 2016-10-26 14:58

chevyvent's picture

Thank you kindly on your critique you made a lot of sense.
I will seek to stay on the topic instead of shifting my views on my next piece Unbelievable.
Which will be out soon thanks again,
Mario Vitale

Mario Vitale

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